Sexy is not really on my mind these days, because so much has changed in our lives. But, I do have my moments when I think of sexy things, mostly just before I drift off to sleep.
Time is also on my mind. It seems I never have enough time to do all I want to do, or even to do all I was used to doing. I always managed to pack so much into one hour, and now frequently I wonder where the time has gone. I know why… the past year has been hard, mentally hard. Seeing Master T suffering and improving so little despite the treatments he already had — that’s hard. It takes up space in my mind, and it settles stress in my body. I can fight this, fight to still do all I did before, but I prefer to just do what I can, and not push myself too hard.
Day 59 – 28 February: “Time spent in self-reflection is never wasted; it is an intimate date with yourself.” – Paul JP Wong
I should make more time for self-reflection, for really looking at myself, my motivations, the things I do. The reason I say this is a recent conversation with my coach. She asked me how I was, and I answered her. After five minutes she stopped me, saying I was talking only about what I do for others, but she wanted to know how I was. Through talking with her, I realized I was going back to taking care of others and their feelings and forgetting to take care of myself. Maybe taking time for self-reflection will help me see this and make me focus more on myself.
And then again, taking care of others and seeing smiles on their faces tend to make me feel good too.
Day 60 – 1 March: Write about how you and your partner (or past partner) first met. Or simply consider what you hope for in a first meeting. An added or alternate question might be: Do you believe in love at first sight?
Master T and I met online, but not on a dating site. That was back in the time when copying software was still a thing, and that’s what he did. I bought it from him, as I didn’t have the money to buy the original thing. Back then I was still with my former husband, and no, I didn’t leave him because of Master T.
Once settled in my own place, I ordered software from Master T again, and mentioned he should send it to a new address. He made a remark: “I thought I read something between the lines.”
I wanted to know what he meant, and that’s how we started mailing to each other, then moved to chat rooms, and then phone calls. And the rest, as they say, is history!
Day 61 – 2 March: Journal about your first impressions of a current or past lover. What attracted you to this person?
By the time Master T and I talked on the phone, I was already smitten with him. Then I fell in love with his voice. Only four months after we first exchanged personal mails, we met in person.
Honesty commands me to say that had I met him in person first, Master T and I might never have been together. He didn’t take good care of himself back then. Oh, he was clean, but he needed a haircut, needed to trim his beard and the suit he wore was old and faded, and too big for him. I later learned the suit was almost fifteen years old. He didn’t have the physique of the kind of man that drew my attention up to then.
But, I was already so in love with him, all I wanted was to be with him. And I soon learned he was more man than any of those I had fallen for in the past.
Day 62 – 3 March: List the first 20 words that come to mind when you hear the word “sexy”.
Eyes — Hands — Kindness — Manners — Hygiene — Touch — Intelligence — Acceptance — Companionship — Laughter
Day 63 – 4 March: Write about a sexual experience you would like to have. Why would you enjoy it?
I have written about my fucket list before and one of the items on there is to be part of a gangbang. This is something I would still like to do, but if there were only two men, it would be good too. Why I would enjoy it? There’s just something about the idea of more than one person using my body for their pleasure — and of course give me pleasure at the same time — that excites me.
Day 64 – 5 March: How do you define intimacy, and how do you enjoy being intimate with your partner? What importance does intimacy have in your relationships?
I have written about intimacy before, that it doesn’t necessarily mean sex. In fact, I can feel very intimate with Master T when we just are together, whether at home, each doing their own thing, or sitting next to each other at the bar at our place, and talking about whatever comes up. Spending time with him, and being with him, mostly feel much more intimate than sex. Sex is just like a crown on those moments.
And honestly, I can’t go without the intimate moments we have together, but I can go without sex.
Day 65 – 6 March: List 10 things you enjoy about spending time with a/your partner.
Companionship — Laughter — Deep talks — Just being — Touching — Stealing a kiss
I just love spending time with him. If I look back on the past two years, where I worked from home 99% of the time, one of the highlights was being with Master T every day. As from this week, I will be in the office on Mondays, and already yesterday I missed him immensely!