In the past couple of months, I have mentioned several times that our D/s is at the lowest level ever. I might even have mentioned that it’s close to non-existent.
Last week, totally unexpectedly, it became the subject of a conversation between Master T and me.
Because in the past months, I barely ever mentioned the subject to him. He just doesn’t have the mental energy to discuss it. To discuss anything, really. I do broach some subjects with him — like I did when I decided it was time to hire help in the household — but I keep heavy subjects to the minimum because of his energy levels.
Our default and adopted personalities
Master T is naturally dominant, and I am naturally submissive. Those are part of our blueprints. He’s a natural leader; I’m a natural follower.
Nothing will ever change what we are at the core, but circumstances have forced us to take on different roles. Master T is incapable of leading at the moment. It came to an abrupt stop when he had the stroke almost a year ago.
Just like I instinctively took control when my mom fell ill five years ago, I did the same at twenty minutes past four on the afternoon of the fourteenth day of March in 2021.
In those terrifying seconds I realized he was having a stroke, the cloak of control enveloped my shoulders, and it has been there ever since.
It’s not only the past year
Honesty commands me to say that the decline in our D/s hasn’t only started a year ago. It gradually got less when pain became one of Master T’s daily companions in September 2016. Infections in the stump had him in pain 24/7.
The original problem finally disappeared somewhere in 2020, only to be replaced with infections on the side of the stump, and that is still ongoing.
Being in pain constantly is physically and mentally tiring, and a good way to kill all desires for any kind of intimacy or kink.
Add to that the side effects of the cancer treatment and the thyroid meds… well, you get it.
Our unexpected conversation
I said something to Master T about the decluttering journey I’m on, clearing out all things in the attic we haven’t touched for years. The energy in those boxes weighs heavily on me, and I am converting them to digital memories instead of physical ones.
I remember trying to explain to Master T (who is an absolute realist) the emotional weight those boxes have, and that I need to declutter and get back to minimalistic proportions in order to get room in my mind.
I believe it was then that he said: “I think you agree our D/s days lie behind us.”
I just looked at him, but not in shock.
More like… understanding?
I think it’s because I already knew. I just needed him to speak the words, and I believe my talking of decluttering and ‘cleaning my head’ gave him the opening. He also needed to get this out of his head. Maybe he wanted to manage my expectations? He knows I need conclusion; need to know where I stand.
Memories and photo albums
Our conversation continued in a relaxed manner. Had you told me years ago I would be this calm when we ended the D/s part of our relationship, I would’ve called you a liar.
But… it was time.
I had years to prepare myself for this moment.
Master T then made a valid point: over the years, we have taken thousands of photos, sorted into different digital photo albums, and many of those shared on this website.
And you know what? He’s right.
Of course, I still have the tattoo on my leg, with the BDSM symbol, and which is symbol of my love, commitment and submission to Master T.
I remember a conversation with Master T some years ago (this might have been when our D/s started declining) whee I was in tears and said I am afraid I might come to resent the tattoo and consequently him if ever we decide to end our D/s.
My mindset, however, now that we have put a stop to that part of our life, is different. I don’t resent my tattoo.
No, I treasure it.
It still is the symbol of my love, commitment and submission to Master T. He is the love of my life, my rock, my everything, and he always will be. Being sick and needing to lean on me hasn’t changed any of that.
In fact, I look at my tattoo and fond memories flood my mind of all those wonderful times we had.
That’s all folks!
My mind is at peace, my heart grateful for the exciting times we had. He’s not less dominant and I’m not less submissive because we are not in an official D/s anymore. Kinky sex has been part of our lives before our formal commitment, and might be part of our lives again when both of us are on one line again with our sex drives.
As for our D/s… that’s all folks!
This is the end.