We have seen the last of the first month of 2022. Can you believe it? Time seems to fly, or at least, that’s how it feels to me, despite much of the month being about learning.
Over here every day looks the same as the previous one, and maybe that’s why time seems to go by quicker than normal. We are experiencing no new things, something that tends to ‘slow down’ time.
When I reflect on January, looking at my bullet journal, it was a pleasant month. The days in my mood tracker were mostly orange, the color I had chosen to reflect a good day. Only the beginning of the month had sad days, which wasn’t surprising, as since 2017 — the year my mom passed away — my mood dropped during the festive season.
But it’s onwards and upwards now!
Days are getting longer., I have spotted the first daffodils on my daily walks. Mentally I’m feeling stronger, and to top it all, February 2022 is the month I turn 55.
Day 24 – 24 January: Choose a quote or phrase that embodies you in some way.
I don’t know from who this quote comes, but found it on Pinterest:
Stop feeling like you have to justify to everyone. You are who you are, and if it’s not enough for some people, that’s their problem – not yours.~ Unknown
If you search my words on this website, you will find I have said many times before: I am who I am.
I accept people for who they are, no matter their religion, race, gender or whatever. People are people, which doesn’t mean I don’t understand or try to understand the struggle some groups have.
That said, despite saying I am who I am I still fall into the trap to justify myself to people. This is behavior I am in the process of unlearning, as I learn to take my rightful place.
Day 25 – 25 January: If you could select a famous piece of art to be your “call sign” or to represent you in some way, which would it be, and why?
The first painting that came to mind is The Threatened Swan by Jan Asselijn (image above). I love this painting, and every time we visited the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam in the past, I stood in front of the painting for many minutes, studying it. It intrigues me.
What’s the appeal of this painting? I love swans, but it’s the swan’s fighting spirit that draws me in every time. It won’t go down without a fight, and that’s something I won’t do either. But, I also choose my battles. I will never fight one I know beforehand I won’t win, or one I feel is senseless.
The second painting is the most famous one of Mondriaan, with the blocks in primary colors. Why? Because I love things to be organized, but also to do things your way. Those blocks are all squares, which to me resembles organization. Then they are not all the same size, and not all of them are colored, and that is where the ‘do things your own way’ bit comes in.
Day 26 – 26 January: Reflect on the resource(s) that have taught you something important about your sex life, erotic/sensual self, or relationship(s). How have these resources helped, challenged, or changed you?
The only resources I have ever ‘used’ are the blog of others. Reading about their experiences prompted (and still does) me to reflect on my own situation, and that might have changed me, or the way I think about some things. I can’t think of any examples right now. I very much just do my things my way (see: Mondriaan), together with Master T of course. What works for us doesn’t have to work for someone else, which is why I am not big on resources.
Day 27 – 27 January: What kind of lover are you? The good, the bad, and the ugly.
That’s a simple question to answer… the submissive kind. I never take the lead, and when I give myself, I do so fully and with enthusiasm.
Day 28 – 28 January: What would you like to improve about yourself (especially relating to your sex/love life)?
Currently? Just to have an interest in sex again. I don’t even masturbate anymore. I know: shocking! but I just don’t have the urge.
However, when Master T has the urge, I am as ready as can be!
Day 29 – 29 January: Reflect on the month. What have you learned about yourself this month?
My sessions with the coach are ongoing, although we are now in the last phase. Learning about how my past self has always influenced my current self, and how I can change it to be my authentic self, has been an eye opener. I learned about the how things from my childhood had always kept me in its grip, about the pain and coping mechanisms of my inner child, about grief, about forgiveness. Too much to write about here, but valuable lessons that will help me take my rightful place in life, without the shame and guilt that had been part of me for far too long.
Day 30 – 30 January: Plan ahead for the coming month. “Our task it to say a holy yes to the real things of our life.” – Natalie Goldberg
Oh, gosh… to plan ahead.
Honestly, currently I can’t focus on anything beyond the upcoming week. I can’t wrap my head around the planning for a full month, but I can manage a week. Of course I add appointments for further in the future to my online calendar, but then I forget about them. With my new passion for bullet journaling, I only look at the upcoming week, and that suits me just fine.
© Rebel’s Notes