From Joy To Desire

Another week has passed, and we are already halfway into February, and amongst other things, the sunshine of the past week brought me some joy, even though it was cold too!

Before I continue reflecting on the past week, there is something else I want to share with you. As many of you know, I had been running writing marathons for 6.5 years, and then last year, the marathon made its reappearance on Blogable. If you are a writer and in for a writing challenge, please hop over to Blogable and sign up for the 2022 edition of the fiction marathon!

Click for my previous posts here, and for Brigit’s daily prompts, but for now it’s on to my reflection on the past week.

Day 38 – 7 February: What are you hungry for?

I’m sure this question is not about food!

If I look at my life as it is now, there is one thing I crave: to get away. Not away from Master T — that never!

No, I want to be away from home for a couple of days, to be in other surroundings. I need to be somewhere else where I can refuel, as that’s something that doesn’t happen properly at home. I have already told Master T when I’m off from work in May, I want to go away for a couple of days. Preferably a week. I want him to come with me, but if he’s not up to it, I will go alone. I have some destinations in mind, but we will have to see how brave I am.

And as for food… I’m always “hungry” for a good steak, and cheesecake!

Day 39 – 8 February: What brings you joy?

The first thing that came to mind is my daily walks. I’m on a 100+ day streak, and where that in itself is something to feel joyful about, it’s the budding nature that came to mind. Plants are growing new leaves in a brilliant young green, and daffodils are showing their beautiful yellow heads.

An image of a single daffodil against the backdrop of the woods I walk through every day.
One of the daffodils on the route of my daily walk

This puts a smile on my face during my walks, as do the friendly people and dogs I see along the way.

And another thing… my bullet journal. But I won’t bore you with the details of that… this time!

Day 40 – 9 February: What turns you on?

Currently? Absolutely nothing. Sex is far from my mind, and not in Master T’s mind either. Since his stroke in March 2021, we had sex three times, and I masturbated about five times. He’s still in the midst of treatment for the cancer, and the stress because of all that happened (with Master T and my son) is still in my body, leaving joints and muscles stiff and on the brink of pain.

Hence, my daily walks.

Under normal circumstances, there definitely are things that turn me on.

Day 41 – 10 February: What turns you off?

Arrogance. Poor personal hygiene. A bad breath. Self-righteousness. Talking down on others. Promoting your agenda while putting down others. Disrespect. Being unkind.

Day 42 – 11 February: What do you seek in others?

Let’s start with what I mentioned last in the previous paragraph.

I look for kindness and respect in others. I always treat people the way I want to be treated and being regarded the same way is the minimum I’m looking for. I like people who really listen when others talk and aren’t only looking for others who would hear their story. I guess what I’m mostly looking for is an equal interaction.

Day 43 – 12 February: Week in review. “To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.” ― Federico García Lorca

Desire can be about sex, but also about other things in life.

I read the quote a couple of times, let it sink in, and allowed my thoughts to roam free.

Something I have learned during all those coaching sessions is to speak up when I need something for myself. Keeping quiet about my desires is a punishment.

The one thing that came to mind, which happened recently, was my wanting help in the household, because I just can’t do it all alone. It took me weeks to find the words and to build the courage to tell Master T… and those were difficult weeks.

When finally I said what I wanted, his reaction was a simple approval. No big discussion, as I had expected. No negativity. Just simple approval and understanding.

There are many examples like these over the years, not only with Master T, but also with my parents, and even my children. I was the one suffering the most. I punished myself, not them.

Thankfully, the coach showed me where that behavior came from, and I can now take my rightful place as an adult and stop feeling like a child when I need something.

Day 44 – 13 February: Preview the coming week. “Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” ― Epicurus

This quote almost contradicts the previous one. I guess some desires are good to mention out loud, and with others, we need to look at what we have and be thankful for it.

This coming week will be about finding a new balance. I have been spreading myself incredibly thin with wanting to support people everywhere — on blogs and on Medium — while also working, keeping the household going, trying to make time for self-care, and giving attention to the people in my life.

I know I am doing too much, and I started feeling like I was drowning. As of this coming week, I am going to apply a new strategy, and I thank my good friend, May More, for helping me with this.

Things go both ways, and I don’t always have to give, give, give. It’s a process to find balance, but I am learning.

© Rebel’s Notes
Image from Pixabay

7 thoughts on “From Joy To Desire

  1. I enjoy reading your reflection and am glad that you are going to try to slim things down a bit. You do so much and although it is appreciated, I am never sure how you sustain it. Missy x

    1. I have come to a point where I feel I need to do less, and have more time for myself, or rather, do things for myself first, then for others. I have always done it the other way around. Thanks for understanding, Missy xox

  2. I’m not interested in sex right now either. Like, zilch. I have not yet had an orgasm in 2022, and likely won’t any time soon. I’m jot even ‘meh’ about it at this point; I’m completely switched off.

    1. I totally get this, although I did have an orgasm recently. I was feeling bored and it happened. I think the next one might only happen next year…

  3. I love so much of this post it was hard to pin down just one point.

    “As of this coming week, I am going to apply a new strategy, and I thank my good friend, May More, for helping me with this.”

    You do such an amazing thing, supporting so many of us across different platforms. I’m glad that you’re able to accept help from others too. I’m learning there is a huge amount of strength in asking for, and allowing yourself to receive, the support for ourselves. N xx

    1. I have even turned May’s advice into my blogging/Medium mantra, otherwise I am going to burn myself out with something that’s supposed to be a “hobby”. There IS strength in taking advice from others xox

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