I’m in a contemplative mood as I write this. Unknowns fill my real world. The uncertainty, the pain and fear, the sorrow and worries are getting to me, and pulling me down. Not all the time, but the down feelings come in waves.
Tears are closer than smiles today, and have been for a couple of days now.
This makes me want to escape to a place where there’s only happiness and smiles, love and laughter.
Everything else fades in the face of what we are going through. Or maybe it doesn’t fade; I escape to a place I created inside the real world — a place I need to get me through.
Writing keeps me going, whether I write fiction or fact. Reading occupies my mind and allows me to think of other things than my fears.
Life is difficult.
Taking care of my husband is what my real world is about now. That, battling the pain in my body, and also telling my son daily he will be okay. His toxic relationship has ended, finally. I’m thankful for that, but it means he now leans heavily on me. It’s okay, because I’m his mom.
I never admit to myself how difficult it is to be the rock in everyone’s life, until I do.
With the help of a coach.
I wouldn’t have been able to do it without her.
I’m allowed to feel. Allowed to say it’s hard. I have to set my boundaries to protect myself.
Setting my boundaries doesn’t mean I’m taking away care from those who need it. It only means I’m putting on my oxygen mask first. Taking care of myself so I can keep on taking care of them.
This is not my natural state, though, and it doesn’t come easily. It needs to be a conscious thought, and it sometimes comes too late.
Like when I go on social media.
About fifteen months ago, I distanced myself from Twitter. Sometimes I long for the conversations I had on there, the caring, the laughter. But, it’s not the same anymore.
I am not the same anymore.
I steer clear of the negativity. Negative messages, no matter what the subject. No, not everyone is negative. There are many people I like, really like. It’s just that I seem to miss the connection I had in the past.
I know I should just get into it and tweet again, like Master T says, and I try. I do, but still feel disconnected.
It’s me. Not them. My real world is upside down, leaving me deprived of the mental room to commit to a conversation.
I return to escaping from my real world — Master T’s cancer, my son’s lovesickness, and my painful body — pouring myself into my writing. Into creating.
In my not-so real world, I see myself on a beach, alone, looking at the crashing waves and allowing my hardships to flow away with the water. I’m in the desert, wandering through the sand, only aware of my physical tiredness. I’m on a cliff, looking out on the beautiful nature below, and feeling one with the universe. I’m on a bench as the sun sets over the water.
In my world of escape, I long to be in a place where there’s no hurt, no uncertainty, no worries. In my mind, I find myself in a world filled with warmth and love, only to be pulled back to my real world of taking care of everyone around me, and being reminded I need to let go.
In taking care of myself, and letting go, my real world fuses with the not-so real one… and that keeps me going. That’s my reality now, losing myself in my creativity to survive living with uncertainty.
I need to be in the moment. Even the uncertain moments. Moments where we don’t know what will follow. I need to sit with those moments and let them penetrate my being. Maybe it will be easier to handle. Maybe.
This is my life now… and no matter how hard, I need to live it.
Live it, while taking care of others, and myself.
Written on 02.10.2021
© Rebel’s Notes
Image from Pixabay