Chasing cars, living life

An image of a gerbera with the letters spelling Love inside the core, to go with my post about the lyrics of Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol.

In April this year I started watching Grey’s Anatomy and it took me until August to see all seventeen seasons. I love the series. Not only because of the life stories in the series, or the medical situations (I love those), but also because of the music used in the series.

One of the songs I heard frequently, and in different versions, is Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. It’s a song I had heard on the radio before, while driving, and I always loved it, but while watching Grey’s Anatomy, it was the song that brought me to tears. Every. Time.

In these times, with emotions running high, stress causing havoc in my body, and me in a constant state of suppressing tears, this song touches my heart over and over, and reminds me to feel; to allow the pain.

We’ll do it all
Everything
On our own

In troubled times, I tend to withdraw in myself, not wanting to burden others with my troubles.

We don’t need
Anything
Or anyone

When withdrawing, this is what I believe, or rather, what I convey to others. Over time, with the stress lasting months, I know I can’t do this alone. I need people to lean on.

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

This is the part that chokes me with tears. How I just want to forget the world.

I don’t quite know
How to say
How I feel

Putting my feelings, my fears, my thoughts into words… I find it difficult. People ask me how I am, and I stumble over every word, and eventually just tell them all will be okay, as if I have to comfort them.

Those three words
Are said too much
They’re not enough

When I see the term ‘those three words’ I think of the words ‘I love you’. Those three words are not enough. I know I am loved, but it’s not only the words I want to hear. I need to see it in action, but know I have to be patient.

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

One moment I want to lie down with Master T, and just forget the world, forget about all we’re going through, and the next I want to crawl into a corner all by myself, cover my head and just… be.

Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that’s bursting into life

If only we can return to what we had, to those moments where we both were so content, then looked at each other and said: “Life is good!”

Let’s waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

Carefree… that’s what I want again. Our lives have changed so much, and all want; all I yearn for is for it to be as relaxed and happy as it was before September 2016.

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

I always put myself on the last place — always forget to take care of myself while taking care of others. I need to be reminded that I’m important too, the way the coach is reminding me.

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I want get back to the essence of us. To reconnect. Our base is strong, but there are so many things I miss; so much that has changed from what our life had been before.

Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that’s bursting into life

I want my life to burst again — our life. The excitement we shared, the sexiness with others, but mostly the sex between each other. God, how I miss that!

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they’re all I can see

I still see the love in his eyes — know he loves me. I am his, and he is mine. We are together, a strong team. His eyes adore me, even when I wonder about his love, and miss his lust for me.

I don’t know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

I refuse to accept that things will not change, even though I know I have to accept that this is it, that our life has moved on to a new phase. I find this hard; I’m not ready. Not ready to let it go. Not yet.

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I want to crawl into my bed, pull the covers over my head and forget the past five years. I’ve been a carer for so long, I have forgotten what it is to be carefree. The world weighs heavily on my shoulders, and all I want to do is to forget about it. I want my husband back; want our life back; want to know things will be fine.

But no one can promise me it will…

© Rebel’s Notes
Image from Pixabay


The September Song Project
Mindful Moments

10 thoughts on “Chasing cars, living life

  1. It is not easy to give words of support.
    Sometimes you even prefer solitude.
    In any case, and despite everything, I want to convey my word of support to you and your family.

  2. I listened to this song as I read your post, Marie…and I cried with you. My heart is aching for you, and for Master T. Our situations are not the same, but I do wish my husband and I could go back to the time and space where we were so infatuated and crazy in love, and fucking like rabbits. We are in a different place now, 20 years later, one of unconditional love and strength…and that is a good space too. I am grateful to share this life with him. But… I miss the way he used to lust after me. I know it’s not the same as what you and Master T are going through, but on some level, I think I understand. I know that no one can say it will be that way again…but no one can it won’t be that way again either. Thinking peaceful and positive thoughts for you. XOXO

    1. I think all relationships change as we get older, but if they change as much as rapidly as ours have in the past years, it’s difficult to get used to. I am grateful to have Master T in my life, and to be able to support him through these times, but sometimes I just miss things. We will see where we are when we are on the other side of this. Thank you for your lovely comment, Nora xox

    2. I did so too, listening to the song. Thinking about your posts Marie, about you Mr T and your family.

      I can’t promise you that ever everything will be alright but I can wish it for you. There comes a time when we have dinner again where we will have naughty thoughts again and maybe even some thoughts that will go into action…

      1. Somehow I think it will be a long while before any kind of action will happen again, seeing the health situation on this side. I will keep on dreaming, but will also have to be realistic…

  3. It’s not the same, I know, but there are many of us here who will hold your hand (virtually, most likely) as you walk in the dark. You’re not alone with any of this, though I do understand that you may want to be.

    I have always found chasing cars an emotionally charged song, I’m glad that it is helping you find the release of tears which will, hopefully, help you through your current situation and onwards, upwards into the next phase with Master T. N xx

    1. Thank you, N. Indeed, there are many who virtually hold my hand, and I appreciate that, but when it comes down to it, I have to do this alone. Or rather, WE have to. And sometimes indeed, I just want to be alone. Like, REALLY alone xox

  4. So many forces come to bear on our relationships — often external or outside our individual control (health issues, financial burdens, etc) — and the changes they bring are not always short-term or welcome. I know what it’s like to want things to be different, to be how they WERE — I also know better than to say anything so untrue as “it’ll come back.” I hope, though, that you find your way to a ‘new’ that is less stressful.

    1. I know you understand like no other, Feve. I don’t think we will ever get back to what things were, but I do hope we can find our way through this together, and maintain the special connection we’ve always had, and still do.

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