I have so many questions.
About life. About things happening in our life, and where this will go.
I wonder about our sex life, and yes, I question our D/s. So many questions, and only some of them can be answered. The others remain one, big… question mark.
I have written about it so many times about all playing in our life. Mid 2020 we both breathed a sigh of relief, and by October 2020 I wrote about life being good again. It seemed the tides had finally turned, and we could leave the bad times behind us.
Our life started falling apart four years and nine months ago. Little did we know back then all that would come on our path:
- In September 2016, Master T started having problems with his leg, the stump to be precise. A series of appointments followed, from getting several new prosthetics to going to the dermatologist and getting light therapy. The diagnosis was psoriasis on the tip of the stump but Master T accepted this to be true. Still, twice a week he went for light therapy, and thirty sessions later, he had to stop as one of the side effects is skin cancer. It, did nothing to improve the so-called psoriasis, and neither did any of the million ointments he had to use over the years. He stopped all treatment in March 2020 and was due for a lung function test, but then corona happened.
- Mid March Master T had a stroke. A light one, but still drastic enough to change our life. He’s still going to the rehab center to try and regain all functionality and strength. To be honest, he’s been lucky. Except for one of his fingers, every now and then missing words or forgetting some things, and being tired very quickly, he has no lasting after-effects because of the stroke.
- In the midst of all of this Master T had been diagnosed with thyroid cancer which has spread to his lymph nodes.
In January 2017 my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer, and she passed away five and a half months later. I supported her every step of the way, going with her to every appointment, loading her wheelchair in and out of the car, and trying to explain the bad news to her, as she just didn’t want to believe the doctors. I saw her going from fighting it all, to crying that she was betraying us by giving up, to planning her own funeral, to accompanying her to a hospice and staying with her all those days until she took her last breath.
Mid November 2020 I learned my son had been keeping his mental health problems from me. It’s been hell ever since, him in and out of a psychiatric clinic, many suicide attempts and being evicted from his house. End of May he was admitted to the critical care unit of the clinic in a closed ward where they are now closely monitoring his meds. In the months he had broken off contact with me, reinstated contact when he needed me for practical things, made horrible accusations towards my oldest, and sent me texts with unfounded claims. Somewhere something happened that ‘snapped’ something in his brain, and I have no idea what. I’m afraid he might never be the same again.
Through all of this I tried to stay strong. Tried to be there for everyone. I had a breakdown in 2018, but even through that I supported Master T. I was just letting my guard down when Master T started feeling better, when his stroke happened. On top of all of that I came down with Covid at the end if March, and battled (still battles?) with tiredness afterwards.
Everything that has happened, and is still happening, has cost me lots of stress, many tears and sleepless nights. And it still does. I laugh it away, tell people it’s okay, and sometimes I can’t stop the tears when people ask me how I am. Then I stop the tears, laugh again and say: don’t worry, it will be okay…
Our sex life
From September 2016 until mid 2020 our sex life had been touch and go. Master T was in constant pain, which took away all his desire. Add to that my menopausal episodes and you have a recipe for a very low sex life.
Still, in the second half of 2020 and the first two and a half months of 2021, Master T and I were quite active. On the evening of his birthday on 13 March, I wasn’t in the mood for an orgasm, so decided to give him a birthday blow job.
The next day he had a stroke… hopefully unrelated to the blow job (we really joked about this… always keep on smiling, right?!).
We haven’t had sex since…
Questions about our D/s
It’s not only our sex life ‘suffering’ from all that’s going on. I thought our D/s would pick up again and we even had a conversation about it. Over the years I had checked in with him a couple of times, wanting to know if he missed it too.
Some months ago, I wanted to join Missy in doing the Dom Sub Workbook. I wrote the first post, but never posted it, and don’t think I ever will. You see, while writing it, some questions constantly went round and round in my mind:
- Will we ever get back to our D/s the way it was?
- Even though he said he misses it, will Master T ever have the stamina to get back to dominating me? (With the recent diagnosis this question is magnified even more.)
- What about me? Do I really want to get back to the formal D/s, with rules, and spankings and pain?
- Should we accept our D/s has run its course, and just get back to how it was before… sort of ‘vanilla’ with kinky sprinkles, or kinky with vanilla sprinkles?
- What about submitting to someone else, just the way others have long distance relationships? Will I be able to do this? Do I even want to do it? Will anybody be able to get me the way Master T does?
I have no answers to these questions. I hope we can get back to some kind of sex life, but frankly, what I want more is for my husband to heal. Even if we never have sex again, I don’t mind, as long as I can have him with me. As for the D/s… we have always said our marriage is much more important than the D/s. I thought I would resent the tattoo on my leg when there is a possibility of our D/s ending, but I still feel submissive to Master T, even without the active D/s. And, the tattoo is a reminder of all the wonderful times we’ve had.
I don’t know what the future holds, and where all these questions turn around in my mind, they are of no importance at all compared to the health of my husband. That’s our focus now, to get him back to health, and to hope this thing is not bigger than we know now. We might need to adjust our balance according to what the next weeks and months bring us, but as long as we are together, we can conquer anything.
© Rebel’s Notes
Image from Pixabay