Questions… life, sex, D/s

An image with white question marks on several colored balls to go with my post about questions regarding sex, life and D/s.

I have so many questions.

About life. About things happening in our life, and where this will go.

I wonder about our sex life, and yes, I question our D/s. So many questions, and only some of them can be answered. The others remain one, big… question mark.

Background

I have written about it so many times about all playing in our life. Mid 2020 we both breathed a sigh of relief, and by October 2020 I wrote about life being good again. It seemed the tides had finally turned, and we could leave the bad times behind us.

Master T

Our life started falling apart four years and nine months ago. Little did we know back then all that would come on our path:

  • In September 2016, Master T started having problems with his leg, the stump to be precise. A series of appointments followed, from getting several new prosthetics to going to the dermatologist and getting light therapy. The diagnosis was psoriasis on the tip of the stump but Master T accepted this to be true. Still, twice a week he went for light therapy, and thirty sessions later, he had to stop as one of the side effects is skin cancer. It, did nothing to improve the so-called psoriasis, and neither did any of the million ointments he had to use over the years. He stopped all treatment in March 2020 and was due for a lung function test, but then corona happened.
  • Mid March Master T had a stroke. A light one, but still drastic enough to change our life. He’s still going to the rehab center to try and regain all functionality and strength. To be honest, he’s been lucky. Except for one of his fingers, every now and then missing words or forgetting some things, and being tired very quickly, he has no lasting after-effects because of the stroke.
  • In the midst of all of this Master T had been diagnosed with thyroid cancer which has spread to his lymph nodes.

My mom

In January 2017 my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer, and she passed away five and a half months later. I supported her every step of the way, going with her to every appointment, loading her wheelchair in and out of the car, and trying to explain the bad news to her, as she just didn’t want to believe the doctors. I saw her going from fighting it all, to crying that she was betraying us by giving up, to planning her own funeral, to accompanying her to a hospice and staying with her all those days until she took her last breath.

My son

Mid November 2020 I learned my son had been keeping his mental health problems from me. It’s been hell ever since, him in and out of a psychiatric clinic, many suicide attempts and being evicted from his house. End of May he was admitted to the critical care unit of the clinic in a closed ward where they are now closely monitoring his meds. In the months he had broken off contact with me, reinstated contact when he needed me for practical things, made horrible accusations towards my oldest, and sent me texts with unfounded claims. Somewhere something happened that ‘snapped’ something in his brain, and I have no idea what. I’m afraid he might never be the same again.

Me

Through all of this I tried to stay strong. Tried to be there for everyone. I had a breakdown in 2018, but even through that I supported Master T. I was just letting my guard down when Master T started feeling better, when his stroke happened. On top of all of that I came down with Covid at the end if March, and battled (still battles?) with tiredness afterwards.

Everything that has happened, and is still happening, has cost me lots of stress, many tears and sleepless nights. And it still does. I laugh it away, tell people it’s okay, and sometimes I can’t stop the tears when people ask me how I am. Then I stop the tears, laugh again and say: don’t worry, it will be okay…

Our sex life

From September 2016 until mid 2020 our sex life had been touch and go. Master T was in constant pain, which took away all his desire. Add to that my menopausal episodes and you have a recipe for a very low sex life.

Still, in the second half of 2020 and the first two and a half months of 2021, Master T and I were quite active. On the evening of his birthday on 13 March, I wasn’t in the mood for an orgasm, so decided to give him a birthday blow job.

The next day he had a stroke… hopefully unrelated to the blow job (we really joked about this… always keep on smiling, right?!).

We haven’t had sex since…

Questions about our D/s

It’s not only our sex life ‘suffering’ from all that’s going on. I thought our D/s would pick up again and we even had a conversation about it. Over the years I had checked in with him a couple of times, wanting to know if he missed it too.

Some months ago, I wanted to join Missy in doing the Dom Sub Workbook. I wrote the first post, but never posted it, and don’t think I ever will. You see, while writing it, some questions constantly went round and round in my mind:

  • Will we ever get back to our D/s the way it was?
  • Even though he said he misses it, will Master T ever have the stamina to get back to dominating me? (With the recent diagnosis this question is magnified even more.)
  • What about me? Do I really want to get back to the formal D/s, with rules, and spankings and pain?
  • Should we accept our D/s has run its course, and just get back to how it was before… sort of ‘vanilla’ with kinky sprinkles, or kinky with vanilla sprinkles?
  • What about submitting to someone else, just the way others have long distance relationships? Will I be able to do this? Do I even want to do it? Will anybody be able to get me the way Master T does?

The future

I have no answers to these questions. I hope we can get back to some kind of sex life, but frankly, what I want more is for my husband to heal. Even if we never have sex again, I don’t mind, as long as I can have him with me. As for the D/s… we have always said our marriage is much more important than the D/s. I thought I would resent the tattoo on my leg when there is a possibility of our D/s ending, but I still feel submissive to Master T, even without the active D/s. And, the tattoo is a reminder of all the wonderful times we’ve had.

I don’t know what the future holds, and where all these questions turn around in my mind, they are of no importance at all compared to the health of my husband. That’s our focus now, to get him back to health, and to hope this thing is not bigger than we know now. We might need to adjust our balance according to what the next weeks and months bring us, but as long as we are together, we can conquer anything.

© Rebel’s Notes
Image from Pixabay


25 thoughts on “Questions… life, sex, D/s

  1. I suppose those of us who have gone through nasty stuff might be inclined to “compare notes” commiserate or act like an informal support group of general misfortune.

    Others more lucky will offer sympathy and encouragement.

    Both are natural human reactions and both come from the best of intentions and are and should be appreciated. And in my case, while I did appreciate all this, the blunt fact was that it only helped superficially.

    I found in our case only a militant “finger in the face of fate” and a dogged, almost spiteful attempt at “living well is the best revenge “ worked to make us feel better.

    So you two seemingly have the guts to fight and be tough, so keep it going. Use the anger at the seemingly unfair misfortune to fuel a commitment to having as much fun as you can in whatever form best suits your tastes.

    I wish you both better luck and continued strength so you can get back to whatever aspects of D/s appeal most even if you have to adapt what you used to do with what is feasible now.

    All the best!

    1. Thank you, KDPierre. As things look now, D/s will definitely not be on the list of priorities for a long time to come, if ever again. It’s sad, but we are just dealing with so much, that both of us are in survival mode.

  2. Those are some really important questions, and I can see how they would be difficult to answer. What a rough several years! And I am in awe of your strength. I guess we never know quite how strong we really are until we find ourselves in a situation like that…and we never know quite how strong our relationships are until we must strip them down to their essence and find what is beating at their core.

    1. You are so right, Brigit. The strength of our relationship definitely pulls us through the difficult times, even though they are still damn difficult!

  3. There are so many difficulties that we have to face in life. You are so strong and devoted! I read your blog and it gives me insight, strength and hope. As senior D/s ers we face interesting challenges but the dynamic keeps us going! Thanks for all your shares. hugs e

    1. Thank you so much, E. It means so much to me when people can take something from my blog xox

  4. You are an example of strength to us all Marie. I am not sure how you have managed to weather this as you have so far but the comments here are testament to the fact that you continue, putting others first and masking your troubles as a way of survival. I wish with all my heart that you didn’t have to be this strong; life just seems that it has been so unfair to you. You know that we are here for you and wishing you, Master T and your family, all the best. Hang in there ❤️ Missy x

    1. I just push on, somehow I don’t know how to do else. I am still in the mode where I don’t want to give into my own pain, afraid I might not be able to handle it…
      Thank you for your kind comment, Missy xox

  5. I’m very sorry you’re both dealing with so much pain and stress. My husband and I have also struggled with mental and physical trauma in our relationship, which has affected our D/s too.

    It seems to me that D/s is very difficult to maintain long-term for any couple, and when life’s problems and difficulties occur, it’s almost impossible. Do we still love each other? Yes. Do we still have kinky fun? Rarely, but sometimes. Do I wish things were different? Absolutely! I know you are amazingly strong and will get through this. Thinking of you…

    1. I think D/s is the first that goes when life gets difficult, and it doesn’t have to mean there will never be kinky fun again. Those questions you asked: my answers are exactly the same as yours. Thank you for your comment, and for reading 🙂

  6. I haven’t visited your blog for a while and am so sorry to read about Master T’s health problems. Sending you our thoughts and good wishes, from us both xxx

  7. All so much – sometimes survival takes the place of the questions – they remain but get pushed to the back while stronger needs are addressed. And yes “but as long as we are together, we can conquer anything” – very true. Thinking of u loads
    May xx

  8. Damn. I knew there were some things going on, but I never realized it’s been all that. I’m sorry and sending you the best. I hope 2021 gets better for you guys!!!

    1. Thank you. I have my eyes on 2022 as the rest of 2021 is still going to be a rough ride with the cancer.

  9. My friend…. you have so much going on and have suffered so much pain. My heart truly goes out to you. This life is not easy sometimes…and right now, you must feel like you are in the middle of the battlefield. I imagine the fear associated with Master T’s health and mortality scares the beejesus out of you, and the mental health struggles your son is facing are also terrifying…on top of everything else you have described. You are a warrior, Marie! You are so strong. From one warrior princess to another… I offer you all of my support. Thank you for sharing your life with us and for being an example of strength. You are amazing <3

    1. It feels exactly like that… a battlefield. The fear is real, and keeps me from sleeping, from functioning ‘normally’. But, I will get there. I have to be strong for both of us now. Thank you for your support, my friend xox ❤

  10. I don’t often comment because I don’t like the sight of my own voice, but it didn’t seem right to just ‘like’ this post. I have to agree with Christian that what comes across is the strength of your marriage, and of the people in it.

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