I love this expression: April showers bring May flowers.
With all going on in my life, I frequently find myself sitting here, just looking out the front window, and waiting for the next of the April showers to approach.
We’ve had rain, hail and snow in the past weeks, and the temperature has dropped to freezing temperatures. But we’re inside, and as I enjoy the warmth of the central heating, staring out the window, my mind wanders to challenging times, to courage and strength, and the May flowers these April showers will bring.
I’m in a contemplative mood…
Courage to leave
Last week an ex-colleague of mine posted a picture on Facebook of the military hospital where we both worked in the late eighties, early nineties. Combined with this is that she has just recently read No Consent. Her telling me that, and me seeing that photo — those two things made my mind travel back in time. It made me wonder what my life would’ve turned out to be had I not left that working place, had I not transferred to head office. I wouldn’t have met that asshole, that’s for sure.
But, if I haven’t met him, would I then have left my country to immigrate to the Netherlands? I remember those two weeks in 1993, when leaving South Africa was at the top of my mind, but I just couldn’t, and had to let my mom down. Tell her I’m not coming. Then, a year later, forced by circumstances, I finally had the courage to leave, and it was one of the best decisions I had taken in my life.
Speaking of leaving, I left two marriages, and that also called for some courage, stepping from the known into the unknown.
Those times, I went through the darkness, and found the light.
Four years of darkness
I have written lots of times of the events that happened between September 2016 until about May 2020, which were mostly about Master T’s health and also my mom’s short sick bed and passing. In the same time frame, Master T dealt with panic attacks and a slight depression, and I became suicidal not able to deal with my mom’s passing. We both had seen very dark times, but found the light again.
Through all of this we supported each other, and always tried to see the light, no matter how bad things got.
Just like in most countries in the world, we have gone through several lockdowns during the corona crisis. We’ve read about people going through relationship crises because of them having to spend too much time together due to the lockdown.
Up to early December 2020 we still had our youngest here, but she moved in with her boyfriend. Then it was really only the two of us, all the time.
We love spending time together. In fact, once we can return to the office again, it will be hard to get used to not being together all the time. We were already close, but being together every minute of the day and night, has brought us even closer.
Dealing with April showers
I rest my chin on my hand, and stare out the window again, thinking of the dark times we’re currently experiencing. Yes, I say dark times, but it doesn’t really feel like that. It doesn’t, because the dark is framed by light. I remember the promise of May flowers in those April showers.
There’s the ongoing situation with my son. It’s in no way better than it was for him, but I hear very little from what’s happening from day to day. The reason for this is that he had broken off all contact with us — temporarily, he said. He wants to work on himself, wants to get through this himself. I believe he is strong enough to do so, and hold onto that one word: temporarily.
Then, mid March, Master T was hospitalized for a couple of days after suffering from a mild stroke. Despite it being mild, there are after-effects he has to deal with, and for which he gets therapy. He came home from hospital, and didn’t have to go to a rehabilitation center, so that’s a positive, and we are optimistic about him recovering fully.
Two weeks after his stroke, at the end of March, my daughter came to visit him. She was here all afternoon, and then that evening, she suddenly got ill. Literally from one moment to the next, she had a cold. She went for a test the next morning, fully expecting to be ‘just a cold’, but that evening she learned she was positive, which meant we also had to quarantine.
On the last day of March, I came down with “the flu”. I went for a test the next day, and tested positive for Covid19. This meant all Master T’s appointments had to be changed to phone calls instead of him physically going there, and we had to keep our distance from each other. Easter weekend for me was fever and pain on my chest, but on Easter Monday I felt okay, not so much the day after. I was too active that Monday, and paid the price in the days after. From there on, I rested every afternoon, because one thing I have noticed, is that I am immensely tired. But… I’m a strong girl. I will get through this the same I always get through everything!
And, a bright silver lining: Master T showed no symptoms at all!
I believe in positive thinking. I’m an optimist at heart, but even so, I see the dark times, and yes, I have my down days. It would’ve been strange if I didn’t have them.
I always try to see the light. To find those May flowers in the midst of the April showers. There’s a slight ‘danger’ in that, as I tend to laugh my own hardships away, and tell people I am okay, I can handle it. I tell this to others, and I tell this to myself, and sometimes deny myself just being in the moment, and dealing with the darkness.
But, being positive doesn’t mean I never deal with it. Being positive helps to pull me through, and deal with the things in my own way, in my own time. It helps me get through, and it helps me to be strong(er).
Always try to find the light.
© Rebel’s Notes
Image from Pixabay