I’m not all these things

I hide my true feelings to avoid causing you trouble or pain, I act strong to show you that I’m not unreliable, I hold my tears back to show you that I’m happy, but what hurts the most is knowing the fact that I’m not all these things I portray to be.

~ Harriet Morgan
An image of me looking at the camera from behind a lace umbrella, on my back, naked, my legs pulled up, to go with my post 'I'm not all these things'.

“I’m not all these things I portray to be”

That part of the quote really struck me. I know I am strong. I know I can push through when needed. Things have been less than ideal in the past months, and especially the last weeks, since Master T’s stroke and me getting Covid, have been especially challenging. No matter how hard things are, I go on.

But, there are times I wish I can just let go. That I can just curl up in a ball, and forget about the world out there. Sometimes I feel the tears sting my eyes, and I want to give myself over to them. to cry. I don’t. I hold back, because I am afraid of the hurt. Afraid I might not be able to handle it, the intense sadness, afraid it will hurt too much. Sometimes I wonder whether it’s the after-effects of Covid keeping my chest to feel tight, or whether it’s the bottled-up feelings.

I prefer not to think of it, of all these things that happened, let alone talk about it. When someone asks me how I am, I smile and say, “I’m okay”, or “I will get there”, and I just carry on, hiding the hurt behind a smile, looking at the world through a lace umbrella, sheltering myself from more hurt, more exposure.

And you know what? I will get there; will be okay. I always am, in the end.

© Rebel’s Notes


Monochromerotic

13 thoughts on “I’m not all these things

  1. I am completely sure that you will get there in the end.
    And … I LOVE that photo. Simply gorgeous … and that umbrella / parasol … absolutely wonderful !!!
    Xxx – K

  2. Thats one of the many things I like about reading your blog Marie. That you share your concerns but push through. Xox

  3. That tightness is something I experience too, though definitely not with covid. My therapist has set me homework when I feel like this- I’m not sure if it will help you?

    I’m to put my hand on my chest (fingers spread over my heart) and take a big breath in. Then blow it out.

    If I can only take a small big breath that’s ok, I’m not to be unkind to myself for that.

    Sometimes tears come when I blow out, sometimes it’s just a physical relief. (I hope this helps, though if it’s covid related then I imagine it won’t)

    N xx

    1. I think sometimes the tightness has nothing to do with Covid, so I will give this a go. Thanks for the tip 🙂 xox

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