Talking about sex is something I have always found difficult.
No, that’s not entirely true. Maybe I should rephrase that.
I have no difficulties talking about sex. I mean, I have done so many times on this site, and I will keep on doing so. There’s always something I have to say about sex, whether it’s telling you about a sexual encounter, a sexy fantasy, or sharing any kind of sexual information. I actually like talking about sex.
What I do find difficult when talking about sex
When it comes to my own desires, my own wants, or things I miss… that’s when I start having difficulties talking about sexual matters. I never ask for sex, and never initiate it either. I have no idea why this is, but I have a kind of ‘block’ in myself, which prevents me from getting the words out.
Oh, believe me, I can form the perfect words in my mind. I know exactly what I want to say. Every word is carefully chosen, and perfect sentences are formed. It’s just… I can’t get them pass my lips. It seems that those words are doomed to be locked up in my mind forever.
Then sometimes, I do manage to get my lips to cooperate with my mind. And always when I do, those carefully constructed sentences, the perfect words, everything just comes out like jibber-jabber. Nothing makes sense. I feel clumsy and inarticulate.
Of course I have wondered many times over the years of my life why I find it so difficult to talk about sex when it comes to myself. One thing I absolutely hate — and this is not only sex-related — is when I get the feeling something is being done only because I mentioned it. Yes, I know, mentioning something, the idea is that something should follow right. So if I ask for something, and it’s granted, why do I feel bad when it’s done? There’s those dark thoughts in my mind that it’s done only because I asked, and not because the other person really wants to do it. And since I don’t want to ‘force’ others to do something for me, I will much rather go without than ask.
Makes sense, right? Don’t worry, I know it doesn’t.
Aging makes it easier
One of the questions asked for the first prompt of Sexual Health is: Have things changed for you as you have matured and grown in experience?
I don’t know if it’s because of growing older, or because I feel safe with Master T, but I have improved some over the years. This still doesn’t mean that I easily talk about it, because of my mind and mouth not being able to synchronize. Whenever the jibber-jabber finally spills out, I seem to make enough sense for Master T to understand what I want. Then of course there’s still the fact that I then feel he does it only because I have asked, but somehow Master T manages to quiet down those voices in my head too. Not always, though, but it has gotten better over the years.
Maybe it’s not aging that made it better, but just because Master T gets me?
Parents and kids: Talking about sex with my parents
When I was growing up, I never discussed sex with my parents. I can’t remember ever having had the ‘birds and the bees‘ talk with my mom. Sex was just something I had to discover for myself, as there was no sex education in schools. There was just no one you could talk about. I can’t remember one moment that sex was discussed between me and my friends either.
I tried to do it differently with my children, but never having learned how to do ‘sex talks’, I am sure I made a lot of mistakes when talking about sex to my children. Still, I always told them that they could come to me about everything. And they all did. Our oldest discussed giving blow jobs with me when she had her first boyfriend, and where our son never asked for advice, he was open about sex. The youngest talks about sex a lot easier than the older two, probably because she is of a much younger generation, and sex education in schools are a lot better than it was before. She doesn’t shy away to talk about menstruation problems, or any other questions she has about sex, sometimes to the ’embarrassment’ of her father!
Most of what I know about sex and have learned in all my sexually active years, didn’t come from talking about sex, but from experience. It helped me identify what I like, and what I never want to do again. As I grew older, I learned more about who I am as a sexual being. I’m not someone who analyze myself and my feelings to get to know myself better. Mostly it takes a while for the penny to drop, like when I realized that I am bisexual, or when I understood my own submissive nature.
Maybe, by the time I reach the age of 60 (that’s only 6 years from now!), I might be much more comfortable speaking up about what I want, and what I still want to experience, or experience again. Life is too short not to live some of your desires, right? And in the meantime, when I find it difficult to form the words with my mouth, I will just let my fingers help me talk about sex!
© Rebel’s Notes
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