Talking about sex is easy… and not

An image showing feet sticking out under bed covers, to go with my post  about talking about sex.

Talking about sex is something I have always found difficult.

No, that’s not entirely true. Maybe I should rephrase that.

I have no difficulties talking about sex. I mean, I have done so many times on this site, and I will keep on doing so. There’s always something I have to say about sex, whether it’s telling you about a sexual encounter, a sexy fantasy, or sharing any kind of sexual information. I actually like talking about sex.

What I do find difficult when talking about sex

When it comes to my own desires, my own wants, or things I miss… that’s when I start having difficulties talking about sexual matters. I never ask for sex, and never initiate it either. I have no idea why this is, but I have a kind of ‘block’ in myself, which prevents me from getting the words out.

Oh, believe me, I can form the perfect words in my mind. I know exactly what I want to say. Every word is carefully chosen, and perfect sentences are formed. It’s just… I can’t get them pass my lips. It seems that those words are doomed to be locked up in my mind forever.

Then sometimes, I do manage to get my lips to cooperate with my mind. And always when I do, those carefully constructed sentences, the perfect words, everything just comes out like jibber-jabber. Nothing makes sense. I feel clumsy and inarticulate.

Of course I have wondered many times over the years of my life why I find it so difficult to talk about sex when it comes to myself. One thing I absolutely hate — and this is not only sex-related — is when I get the feeling something is being done only because I mentioned it. Yes, I know, mentioning something, the idea is that something should follow right. So if I ask for something, and it’s granted, why do I feel bad when it’s done? There’s those dark thoughts in my mind that it’s done only because I asked, and not because the other person really wants to do it. And since I don’t want to ‘force’ others to do something for me, I will much rather go without than ask.

Makes sense, right? Don’t worry, I know it doesn’t.

Aging makes it easier

One of the questions asked for the first prompt of Sexual Health is: Have things changed for you as you have matured and grown in experience?

I don’t know if it’s because of growing older, or because I feel safe with Master T, but I have improved some over the years. This still doesn’t mean that I easily talk about it, because of my mind and mouth not being able to synchronize. Whenever the jibber-jabber finally spills out, I seem to make enough sense for Master T to understand what I want. Then of course there’s still the fact that I then feel he does it only because I have asked, but somehow Master T manages to quiet down those voices in my head too. Not always, though, but it has gotten better over the years.

Maybe it’s not aging that made it better, but just because Master T gets me?

Parents and kids: Talking about sex with my parents

When I was growing up, I never discussed sex with my parents. I can’t remember ever having had the ‘birds and the bees‘ talk with my mom. Sex was just something I had to discover for myself, as there was no sex education in schools. There was just no one you could talk about. I can’t remember one moment that sex was discussed between me and my friends either.

I tried to do it differently with my children, but never having learned how to do ‘sex talks’, I am sure I made a lot of mistakes when talking about sex to my children. Still, I always told them that they could come to me about everything. And they all did. Our oldest discussed giving blow jobs with me when she had her first boyfriend, and where our son never asked for advice, he was open about sex. The youngest talks about sex a lot easier than the older two, probably because she is of a much younger generation, and sex education in schools are a lot better than it was before. She doesn’t shy away to talk about menstruation problems, or any other questions she has about sex, sometimes to the ’embarrassment’ of her father!

Sexual discoveries

Most of what I know about sex and have learned in all my sexually active years, didn’t come from talking about sex, but from experience. It helped me identify what I like, and what I never want to do again. As I grew older, I learned more about who I am as a sexual being. I’m not someone who analyze myself and my feelings to get to know myself better. Mostly it takes a while for the penny to drop, like when I realized that I am bisexual, or when I understood my own submissive nature.

Maybe, by the time I reach the age of 60 (that’s only 6 years from now!), I might be much more comfortable speaking up about what I want, and what I still want to experience, or experience again. Life is too short not to live some of your desires, right? And in the meantime, when I find it difficult to form the words with my mouth, I will just let my fingers help me talk about sex!

© Rebel’s Notes
Image from Pixabay

Wicked Wednesday                Sexual Health

13 thoughts on “Talking about sex is easy… and not

  1. It is interesting what you say about being so open is some ways but a block in others. I can relate to being able to talk about sex as a topic but finding it harder to express things which are to do with my own wants or desires. I tend to push those away. This is a great post which has me thinking so I am sorry it has taken me a while to get to it. Missy x

    1. No problem, Missy, and glad you could relate. Sometimes it feels like I am the only one not being able to express my own needs xox

  2. I don’t find it difficult talking about sex – I do find some thoughts in my head difficult to decipher thou – which do i want and which am i happy to stay as fantasy. And of course if i cant work that out i cant talk about it lol

    1. Oh yes, I totally get that. Looking for the words to explain what’s in your head… if that happens to me, I find it even more difficult to talk about it. Somehow writing is always easier 😉 xox

  3. Marie, this post has me thinking. After all our years together, we still have difficulty talking about sex. Seems weird, but it just is. I have some thoughts on why. May make compose a post about it. I have a feeling we’re not the only ones…

    1. I am fairly sure you are not the only ones. I think many couples battle with this. Please do write about it, and then link to Sexual Health. I know Missy will appreciate it 🙂

  4. Oh yes … aging definitely makes it easier! LOL !
    And too experience of course.
    But sometimes … often-times? … it is the “doing” that is more fun than the “talking” !!!
    Xxx – K

    1. I never had problems with doing, haha… it’s the talking I sometimes battle with 😉 xox

  5. What you wrote, “One thing I absolutely hate — and this is not only sex-related — is when I get the feeling something is being done only because I mentioned it”…. I feel this too some times. Whenever something happens sexually, that is something I specifically asked for or described…it’s like…it takes some of the pleasure away from the event. I do know that my partner cannot read my mind…but, those times when he does something that is exactly what I wanted, but I didn’t have to ask for…damn, now that is really hot and makes me feel super connected.

    1. Yes, exactly this, Nora. And I know we shouldn’t feel like this, because if they ask there is nothing more we would want than to do it for them, but it just seems to be something IN me…

  6. “So if I ask for something, and it’s granted, why do I feel bad when it’s done?” This struck a chord with me. I wonder if it is a leftover from our pasts? I know in my marriage if I got my own way with something, I would have to pay for it in other ways later.

    Or if it is part of the submissive mindset now? I know when I make a request of Sir I feel like I am topping from the bottom, which is a pet peeve. He will always reassure me that just because I ask doesn’t mean I get. He is in control of what happens. That will often include what I desire, but only if he knows what I want, and only ever on his timetable.

    I love reading about your background and experiences Marie. xx

    1. There was only one relationship in which I had to pay if I got what I wanted, so maybe you are right that this has to do with a submissive mindset. What you say: “just because I ask, doesn’t mean I get” – that is something Master T has said too in the past. I might have to remind myself of this more often, that even if I ask, in the end he decides whether I get. Maybe it will make it easier to ask. Something to ponder…
      ~ Marie xox

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