This storm too shall pass

Life is not easy at this moment. It feels like we are caught up in a storm, and just when there’s a clearing in the clouds, and we think it’s going to get better, it turns out we were only in the eye of the storm. The storm continues, and sometimes seem even worse than it was before.

I am writing this after two intense weeks, weeks that left me so tired that even after two nights of good sleep, I am still tired.

This storm started a year ago

When I refer to the storm, I am not talking about Covid. Yes, Covid definitely is a storm that entered our lives too, and it’s still raging on around us, but there’s a different, more violent storm dwarfing the Covid one.

I am talking about my son, and his currently severe mental health problems. He was doing so well, a year ago, being in assisted living, with one conversation of an hour a week with a mentor. Every day he cooked for himself, he kept his house clean, and went to his volunteer job four days a week while applying for paid jobs.

Then he met a girl, and sadly, from there it went downhill. I only learned in November that he had been self-harming for months. I knew he was seeing a psych worker again, because he wanted to work through issues that arose in his relationship, because of the previous two he had. Those previous two were mostly online, but emotionally abusive. He never told me how serious it was, until in November it was so bad, they had to inform me.

In the past months I have supported him as well as I could, always being there for him or his girlfriend to call me when he needed to be ‘talked down’. Every time I spoke to him in his agitated state, was after he and his girlfriend had a ‘misunderstanding’.

The past two weeks

In the past two weeks things escalated terribly, from him telling me he temporarily didn’t want any contact, to trying to take his own life that same night. I slept there a couple of nights, went there during daytime just to be with him, because he couldn’t be left alone. There was numerous phone calls. Desperate moments. Words not spoken from my side, because I know he’s not ready to hear them.

Then finally, after two weeks and feeling drained, the relieving word came: he would be admitted to a clinic. I even got a chance to talk to his mentor, and he confirmed that they had seen the same problem I had: the girlfriend. As the mentor said: my son is caught up in a situation, and we need to make him see that. They are just not good for each other, at this moment. And maybe never. Time will tell, but as it is now, she’s at the root of his self-harming. I don’t want to go into too many details here, as it’s my son’s story after all.

My own mental health

I care deeply for my kids. Seeing them happy and thriving is what I want for them. I have definitely not been a perfect mom. Because I was a mom at a too young age, and because I had shaky relationships before Master T, I made mistakes with my kids. However, I always loved them, always wanted the best for them. Sometimes I had two shitty choices, and chose the better one of the two.

One (annoying) part of my personality is to see all my mistakes clearly when situations call for it. This means with that in this situation with my son, I wonder how much of what I did ‘wrong’ in his younger years, have influence on him now. I drive myself crazy with these thoughts, while being intensely worried about my child. I fear for his life, literally; see the emotional abuse (again), and I fear he will not get out of her claws before it’s too late.

Because of the fear, the guilt, the worry, I notice myself slipping. I am withdrawing; smiling outwardly while not feeling it. I have headaches, every day, many days accompanied by dizziness and nausea. Pouring myself into my work helps. Not only blog work, but my paid job too. It takes my mind off things, only for it to hit me double as hard when I stop working. It haunts me in my dreams at night, when at last I get a bit of decent sleep.

I am doing my best to build in some rest for myself. A new tablet and subscription to a Dutch streaming service helps.

This storm too shall pass

I am an optimistic person at heart. The positive is what I prefer to concentrate on, and I push the negative away. Sometimes this isn’t possible, and you get caught up in a negative situation, and have to work through it. Even then, in the midst of the negativity, I try to focus on the positive.

I have lived through many storms in my life. This storm too shall pass. We will get to the other side, one way or the other. I keep on telling my son the same — that he is strong, and he will get through this. I tell him to lean on me, to allow himself feeling weak, so he can get stronger again. And while he leans on me, I lean on Master T, and a bit on my daughter. We will all get through this.

The same with Covid. I know this storm hasn’t hit us as hard as it has others, and for that I am thankful. We will get through this. We will get back to normal again, whatever that will look like on the other side.

Like all storms, this one will pass, and there will be glorious sunshine on the other side.

© Rebel’s Notes
Image from Pixabay


Mindful Moments

29 thoughts on “This storm too shall pass

  1. Life can throw some very tough curves—your son seems to have caught one. Be the caring and loving mother you so obviously are and you will be there when he’s ready for you. I know exactly where you are as I’ve been there myself. The self doubt that creeps into your thoughts is nothing more than the devil trying to shake you to your core. Praying for all of you!

  2. Good to read that so many people are making the effort to give you a heart to heart!
    I hope the help your son gets gets him back on track from a year ago. It will take time, but it will give you and your family peace of mind to know that there is help.

    1. I really hope he bounces back, and comes out on the other end even stronger than he was before. Thank you for your comment xox

  3. It has been really hard watching you deal with all that you have the past year and not being able to do anything to help you. I really hope that your storm passes quickly and you can enjoy the calm again. Sending hugs. Missy x

    1. You have helped me enormously by just listening, Missy, and for that I am really grateful xox

    1. It really is. All I want to do is protect him from the world, but I need to let him and his direct carers work on this, and just be there to support. Not always easy, but doing my best.

  4. I hope things will be better with your son. Mental health is often a circuitous route and last year was not easy on those of us who had to deal with their psyche already. But the other storm will be over soon no matter what the media says. I am hopeful and optimistic…and when there is more life outside again dealing with mental health becomes a bit easier too.

    1. I hope indeed when the Covid storm has passed, dealing with mental health gets easier too. All around me I hear that it will be the case, so I just have to believe that.

  5. I feel with you Marie. Whilst this particular storm will pass, a mother’s love never passes.
    Whilst I’ve never had to deal with anyone that wanted to self-harm, in our youth work in our 20’s, we had many young people from assisted living come to our programs, with bi-polar being a common case.
    Definitely don’t fall into the trap of blaming yourself. The Nature vs Nurture issue is never clear cut. Having just seen 2 grand-children through 6 years, with identical nurturing, they are growing into people with very different temperaments and leanings, though both adorable.
    I am having to deal with Lady T’s growing dependence. Her childhood brain injury has affected her health and libido all her life and now I see personality and temper changing. Life wasn’t meant to be easy.
    In caring for others, it is critical to ensure you have your own care and support network.
    I’m glad you feel you can share these things here. You have our thoughts, prayers and virtual hugs.

    1. Thank you, Sir Thomas, for your kind comment and sharing some from your own life. Yes, we need to have our own care and support network. Sometimes I forget that. Master T and my oldest daughter have really helped me so much in the past week. Sending you positive thoughts too xox

  6. It is so difficult watching our kids struggle when we can’t really do anything about it. No matter what you have done or choices you have made, you are a great mother. You love your children, you support them, encourage them, and allow them to be themselves. Your son will get through this. It will be a hard, bumpy road, but he has the tools and support he needs.

    1. Thank you so much, Stella. Yes, he will get through this. I keep on reminding myself of that. I always tell him he’s such a strong person, and I believe he is, and need to keep on believing that and pull him through this.

  7. My heart goes out to you, my friend. It is never easy to see a child suffer, especially with mental health. I imagine that you have experienced the full gamut of emotions….fear, sadness, anger, love. I am glad that your son has a mental health team and I do hope that he finds his way back to where he was before. Sending you lots of positive and healing thoughts during this time <3

    1. Thank you so much, Nora. My deepest wish is for my son to see what a wonderful person he is, and to stand firm in his shoes again. We will get him there, mostly his mental team, and I will do my bit where I can xox

  8. Sending some Sunshine ☀️ and positive thoughts. Isn’t it interesting how someone that has the intellect and self awareness to understand both sides of a problem, the cause and the effect and their own part in it takes the burden upon themselves While others, oblivious of the chaos caused by their actions walk blindly on with no self accountability. Go gently on yourself, live in the “now”. If I know nothing about you or the situation, a beautiful mind tells me there is a beautiful person that posses it x

    1. This is such an incredibly kind comment, Nick. Thank you for your uplifting words xox

  9. I am saddened to hear the reason for your utter mental exhaustion. Yes, This too shall pass. My childhood friend, she was the only other little girl in the neighborhood I grew up in. Some dark twisted shit happened to her back then, so so close to happening to me, and I just remembered when she came back into my life. (I knew as a little girl something was not right in that house) I am glad she is back in my life, but it can be exhausting to be her friend, part time coach,and still keep it on a level where I don’t lose who I am. I tell it like it is when it comes to some of the decisions she is making, and people she is putting herself around.

    I know this isn’t like a mother and child, but i do get it.

    I will send light to you, and your family.
    Keep the Faith.

    Ps your writing speaks to me, been busy reading all the stuff I can find on here.

    🐾☮️

    1. I think it’s wonderful that you try to support your friend, but can understand that it can be very tiring. Thank you for sharing that with me, and also thank you for reading my words. I really appreciate it 🙂

  10. I’m sorry to read that your health still continues to suffer while your son struggles to find the support he needs. This line feels particularly poignant: “I wonder how much of what I did ‘wrong’ in his younger years, have influence on him now.” I fear for my boys, having had the start they did. But there is one poem that I return to regularly. This be the verse, by Philip Larkin https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48419/this-be-the-verse
    I find reading this when I’m on that particular downward stroke proves helpful.

    Thank you for linking up to Mindful Moments too. N x

    1. Thank you for sharing the poem, N. It’s so true, there is a cycle in life, right. We do take things over from our parents, even when we vow to do things totally differently. Thank you for your comment 🙂 xox

  11. Hindsight is less 20/20 than a crystal-clear mirror in which we see all our “should-haves” reflected, magnified.

    Did you make mistakes as a mother? Undoubtedly, yes.

    Does that make you a bad mother? No.

    At the risk of being advice-y:

    If you can, look at your past self in that hindsight mirror and acknowledge what you see. You don’t have to judge it or label it or assign blame for it. Just acknowledge it.

    And then let it go.

    Any guilt you are carrying from your self-blame of “past sins” is only going to make the present difficulties weigh all that much harder. You can’t help anyone else on their life’s travels if you are hauling around a steamer trunk of baggage, and I know you want to help your son.

    If you lighten your own (self-imposed) load, you’ll be more able to help shoulder his.

    xoxo

    1. Thank you for your advice, Feve. It seems now, a week after he has been admitted to a clinic, I can breathe easier and see things in a more positive way. I know I am not and never was a bad mom, but just someone who made mistakes, while loving my kids deeply. That hindsight mirror is something I don’t want to look in too much, but sometimes it is necessary. I just have to indeed only acknowledge what happened, and then let it go. Sometimes I just need to be reminded of that.

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