Last weekend when I looked out the window, the world around us was white, covered in about eight centimeters of snow. This weekend, as I looked out the window, the sun was shining brightly, a sure sign that spring is coming!
Every time I opened the door last weekend, I shivered with cold. The temperature never came above zero degrees Celsius. This weekend I still had to wear long sleeves, but the temperature is 20 degrees higher than a week ago. Yes, spring is definitely coming.
Today has me in a contemplative mood… dark and cold thoughts fill my mind, but all the time the light fought to drive the darkness away.
Too many worries
I briefly touched on the subject of my son in an earlier post, and am sad to say that situation as not improved in any way. In fact, it is worse than it was. Where before his self-harming was that he hit himself, he is now also turning on things around him (his furniture, his doors), and once has cut himself with a knife, and once stabbed himself in his arm. Both ‘minor’ physical injuries, but intense psychological ones.
Over the months I have seen how toxic his relationship with his girlfriend is. He doesn’t see it. There’s emotional abuse — whether conscious or not — and 95% of the time he self-harms, it comes from a ‘situation’ between the two of them.
My dark thoughts surrounding my son are dark. I don’t want to mention them out loud, because that will make them too real. On Friday night I spoke to him, and he sounded strong. Determined to get things done. He needed my help, so I went to him om Saturday. I even got him to smile when I told him something funny about myself. Briefly, I saw the sun in his eyes again.
There’s little else I can do at the moment, because he’s an adult, and he’s making his own decisions. I am not allowed to talk to his caretakers. He hasn’t given permission for it, and he’s entitled to his privacy. I can’t talk to his girlfriend, because she then blames him for things I said. Been there, done that twice, learned from it.
And, it’s affecting my health too
It’s been ages since I last cried about this. Crying doesn’t help, right? No, I am dealing with it as well as I could. I help him when I can, see him when I can (and he doesn’t cancel the meeting because she says he needs to rest).
Many things take my mind away from my worries, if only for moments. I work hard. For my paid job, as well as for my blog, and for other projects: Blogable (have you signed up for the fiction marathon yet?), Wicked Wednesday and a new website I am working on. I watch movies with Master T, keep busy with household chores. And all the time I try not to think, try to keep busy with and concentrated on what I am doing. This helps. Most of the time.
About two months ago, I started suffering from dizziness. Now, this has happened before, so I thought it was back: vertigo. I did what I always did — the Epley maneuver — and hoped after a couple of days it will be over. It took a while, but eventually it was gone. Then about a month ago, I got fierce headache, and for days the vertigo was with me. It happened again and again, and every time it was after a stressful moment. I realized the headache and vertigo was my body’s reaction to the stress.
Maybe if I cry, it will relieve some of the stress. Instead, I just press everything to the back of my mind, and tell myself it will be better.
Because it will…
It will, because spring is coming!
Spring is coming, not only in nature, but in my son’s life too. I always tell him that he’s stronger than he realizes. He is. There’s more intensive care for him just around the corner. He has the confirmation for it; all we have to do now is wait for a pot to come free for him. I need to be strong for him.
I’m sure once he is in a better place, where there is 24/7 care, my headaches and vertigo — and yes, also the hyperventilation and panic attacks — will disappear the same way the snow disappeared when nature told it to make way for spring.
Darkness can’t stay when there is light. Spring allows everything in nature to wake up and renew itself. I wish for my son to find spring, to find the light and begin to heal. He has the strength in him, and I will keep on reminding him of that. At the same time I will keep on pushing my dark thoughts to the dark recesses of my mind, where they belong, and allow the new light of spring to keep me positive too.
© Rebel’s Notes
Image from Pixabay