Impulsive… I have been staring at that word for quite some time and wondered… am I impulsive? They say people who act or speak without thinking are impulsive. I looked at that and once more asked myself… do I act or speak without thinking?
My questions made my mind wander back to when I was younger, and compare it to the person I am today.
Being impulsive in my younger years
I remember that one of the labels I had pinned on myself when I was younger, was that I was impulsive. I did and said many things without thinking it out before. Sometimes I blabbed out something to a friend and then later wished I had never told them. Other times I did things and only afterwards realized I shouldn’t have done it. An example of this is when I hopped onto a motorcycle for a ride with someone I fancied, and only afterwards realized it was wrong of me, because he was my friend’s boyfriend. Had I thought about it before, I wouldn’t have done it, or at least have asked her whether she minded.
I’m sure if I think long and hard I will come up with many more examples, but not all of them embarrassing, thankfully. Some good things had come from them and some good fun had been had, like walking and singing in the rain. The first time was a spontaneous — impulsive — action, and it turned out to be so wonderful that we did it several times more.
Could getting pregnant at sixteen be described as an impulsive act too? My mind told me I needed to get out of the situation; needed to get out of school. Was it impulsiveness that made me decide the only solution is to get pregnant, or was that pure panic at play?
My impulsiveness continued in my adult years. Where it most definitely brought me into some embarrassing situations, those memories are not what are at the forefront of my mind.
Joining the army was a rather impulsive decision — despite my years-long fascination with the military — that turned out to lead to some of the happiest years in my life. Never after that have I found a working environment where I felt so at ease, so at home as I did in those five years, of which the three years in a military hospital were the absolute best.
Another spontaneous act on my part that turned out to lead the happiest years in my life — those I am still living — was to answer one of Master T’s business mails in a personal manner. Thank god my words inspired him to answer back, over and over again, and as they say… the rest is history.
But, there’s also one thing that lead to some of the most horrible months of my life, and that was when I decided to join a so-called club for bisexual women back in 1994. Had I thought it through — not only before I wrote that first letter, but also a couple of times after that — I would never have gotten in that situation. But I tend to see the positive side of everything, because no matter how bad those months had been… had I not gone through them, I might never have left my country of birth and might never have met Master T. There’s a reason for everything.
Blogging was an impulse too
Back on 26 January 2010 I sat on the couch, decided I want somewhere to put my stories and within half an hour Rebel’s Notes was born. That was on the free Blogger platform. I posted a stories in two parts, and then my blog lay dormant for a couple of months. Why? Because it was an impulsive decision to start, and once I did, I had no idea where to go with it. After giving it months of thought, I knew what I wanted, came back to post some more and up to now I haven’t stopped.
The decision to start Wicked Wednesday was taken in an instant too, because two other Wednesday memes I enjoyed participating in stopped. Because of the quick decision, and not thinking it through, the first couple of weeks the meme ran on my main site, but it was too difficult to navigate, so I moved it to a subdomain, and never looked back.
The Smut Marathon was another project I started on impulse, but for the Dutch writing community. The first year looked so totally different from what it became later, and from there on, every year for the four years I ran it, I improved it. By the time I brought it to the English community, it was a well-thought through concept, and one that will see the light of day again.
I never regretted my impulsiveness to get involved in blogging, as it has become a place where I can express and be myself, now even more so than up to almost a year ago.
How impulsive am I today?
Much of my experiences, I have attributed to being young and inexperienced in the ways of life. Of course, I know it’s part of my nature to be impulsive, but it seems with ‘middle age’ (yes, that is what I am — a middle aged woman), I have finally learned to think most of my decisions through before I implement them. A big part of that is Master T, who keeps me with my feet on the ground, and plays the devil’s advocate when I have a new project in mind. This frequently opens my eyes and makes me realize that I will stretch myself too thin if I act on all my ideas.
Sometimes I don’t even mention my ideas to him, because I already imagine the questions he will ask, and then come to the conclusion that my idea is just not viable. I guess he has trained me well!
© Rebel’s Notes
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