On being positive about my body, but…

A naked image of myself, seen from my back and with cellulite on my bottom, share for a post about being positive about my body.
I used to hate my cellulite… now I find a certain beauty in it.

I have posted many an image of myself, in various poses, combined with positive words about my body. That is what I want to focus on, the positive sides of my body. But, I want to share something else with you too. For weeks, I’ve had this note in my planner. No, actually for months. I think it was back in September 2020 that I wrote it

It says:
Write post about being happy with body but then thinking to lose weight. What to do?

Losing weight, a positive or negative?

I have always viewed the thought of losing weight as a negative one. Not the thought itself, but how I got to it. Always when I thought that I needed to lose weight, it came from a negative place. It came from not being happy with my body; from loathing it. From seeing a big fat pig in the mirror, and someone who couldn’t be desirable to anyone. Those thoughts brought me down, and in my mind the idea formed: the only way to be desirable again is to lose weight.

Many times I embarked on that journey of losing weight, limiting myself in unhealthy ways. And then, as my self image improved, I stopped with the diet, and then gained back all the weight again, only to go back into that spiral of negativity, over and over again.

But, something changed. The thought of losing weight doesn’t seem to come from a negative place anymore. I am seeing my body in a different way from how I did before. The negative thoughts are gone, and acceptance has set in. Now when I think of losing weight, it’s connected to wanting to be healthier, and not because of self-loathing or wanting to do it for someone else.

My body and me

I wonder if the change of how I see my body and how I feel about it, has come from taking my own pictures, from being model and photographer at the same time. Having to line out a shot (I always use my mobile phone as a remote), and make it visually appealing, means I am not looking at my body, but I am looking at my body.

Let me explain. Back when Master T took my pictures, I had no influence on the composition, and only saw the images afterwards. Then I really saw my body, and I saw all its flaws. The dimples on my bottom. A fat roll here or there. Stretch marks. And, I didn’t like it. I saw my body in the image, and saw all the imperfections, and felt confronted by it. I wanted to hide.

In the process of taking my own images, I also really see my body, and see all the flaws. I am not blind to this, and probably never will be. However, at that moment I am busy with my art. I am creating. I am looking at my body, but I am concentrating on the composition, to make it visually appealing. I still capture those dimples in my bottom, the fat rolls, the stretch marks. But somehow, when I look at the images on my laptop afterwards, I see the beauty in them.

This hasn’t happened overnight. It was and still is a process, and I only really understood the change, when I realized how my relationship with the mirror has changed.

Nowadays, the mirror and I

I started noticing this about two months ago. When we redecorated our bedroom two years ago, we installed two big clothing closets with floor to ceiling mirrors. Every morning, after I have dressed and when I do my hair, I see myself in the mirror, and almost every day, I acknowledge and like what I see. I say, ‘almost every day’, because some days the thought just doesn’t cross my mind.

This is so different from what it was before. I can’t remember the last time I had a bad thought about my body when I looked in the mirror. I don’t say I never will have a bad thought again, but I want to hold on to the positive side, to see the beauty of my body, and to be happy with it. I’m almost 54, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my days wanting to lose weight or look different. I’ve seen this in my mom, who up to the end, always wanted to weigh less, and was heavily focused on the numbers on her scale.

I really like this ‘new me’. It’s liberating to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see, even with everything I loathed before, still being part of my body. I will take being positive over being negative every day of the week!

Back to my note

Write post about being happy with body but then thinking to lose weight. What to do?

What to do?

As said above, the reason for wanting to lose weight comes from a different place than before. I feel good, but I know losing some weight will be better. I have no idea what I weigh at this moment, and to be really honest, I don’t care about that number. I never want that to control my life again. No, I want to look in the mirror like I do now, and feel good about myself, whether I stay the way I am now, or whether I lose weight.

If I lose weight, it will not be with a diet. No, I am done with that. Losing weight will come from eating the right things and going out on walks to improve my physical condition. I don’t want to go of the positive feelings about myself, and I will keep on spreading this positivity to others too.

© Rebel’s Notes

          MMM Mondays          Snake Den A to Z

23 thoughts on “On being positive about my body, but…

  1. Could not care less what the number on the scale is these days, except for the fact that it needs to go down in order for me to have my knee surgeries. Not sure that will happen now that Covid’s decided to wreck havoc on my body though. We shall see how it goes.

    1. I really hope you get to have that surgery, Stella, but first deal with getting better after Covid. Wishing you much strength!

  2. I have had a similar epiphany. While I would like to lose weight, it is more about being healthy…which will naturally lead to that. I usually come up with complicated workout plans and then fail. This year, I just bought running shoes and committed to 30 minutes per day on the treadmill. And I’m hydrating more and going to bed on time. Move, hydrate, sleep. Simple.

    I also really feel your point about the photography. I do the same, and erotic photography has helped me see my body as a work of art…constantly in progress and always evolving.

    Interestingly, when Mr. D takes the photos, I often don’t like what is see, because he captures more of what I dislike. But he finds those photos sexy, so perception plays a big part in how we see ourselves.

    I, too, have always disliked my cellulite, but it’s been there since I was young and fit. It is obviously never going away…so best to learn how to accept it.

    I love the photo, btw. Natural. Simple. Real.

    1. Thank you, Brigit. Isn’t it interesting how we both often dislike the photos our hubbies make. Master T can look at images of me in a slideshow for ages, and loves all of them, while when I see them, I often cringe. Over the past years making my own photos have helped me tremendously to look at my body in a different way. And it really is freeing, isn’t it, to not constantly be busy with those complicated workout and diet plans only because we can’t accept that nature has decided we won’t be super-thin. I don’t say there won’t be bad days but I think the overall acceptance will always be there 🙂

  3. I think you look fabulous and healthy. That is important. I have never dieted but often have had to restrict certain foods because of my eczema. My weight fluctuates within about a 12lbs range. And that’s fine. My arse always gets more comments when it is fuller than when I am weighing less lol
    May xx

    1. I think you have a damn sexy arse, May! But yes, from now on I will just go through periods where I restrict certain foods, and not where I go on strict diets anymore. I have to be careful with carbs because of the fructose intolerance anyway 😉 xox

  4. Hi Marie , obviously I love your naked body (what guy wouldn’t?) , my thoughts are that a diet should be about how you feel not how you look. What attracts is the confidence a lady shows either in her age , body , power or whatever. ‘ Sexy’, thy name is Marie😍

    1. Howie, you make me blush! But it’s good to hear this from a male point of view. My husband has always told me I am sexy and good just the way I am, but I guess I had to come to the same conclusion myself, and it was a process of years.

  5. I actually shed a tear reading this. It is so inspiring to me that you’ve come to accept yourself as you are, with the knowledge that your weight has to do with health, not your worth or value or how you should feel about yourself. I very much struggle with this and hope i can also get to the place you’re in. It seems so peaceful! Thank you so much for sharing. I think you’re beautiful, inside and out!

    1. Aww thank you, MrsK, and I really hope for you too that you get to the same place I am, because indeed, it’s peaceful, and freeing. And just for the record, I think you are absolutely gorgeous! I always enjoy your images so much xox

  6. I am not the best person to comment on this subject because I have gone to extremes, but I do try to think positively about how little things add up. So parking further away from the supermarket entrance, choosing a slightly smaller plate, having a daily short walk rather than planning when we might be able to go for a long hike they just seem to work better for my body. But I know we are all different too. Loving ourselves, loving our health, loving our relationships, loving life – it is all positive motivation and helps us make little daily decisions for the good of us and the people we love. You always come across as a very beautiful person inside and out.

    1. Aww thank you, Jenna, that last part of your comment made me blush. And you are right, with those little things, the smaller plate, the parking further away, those can definitely help too. Those little daily decisions definitely help with the bigger picture 🙂

  7. As I have said in our posts, we are regular gym goers and eat a fairly good diet. That being said, we do not own a scale. We use health and longevity (with a dose of mirror assessment) as our motivation . As Covid has shown us, metabolic health is a huge (the biggest) factor in surviving illness. As a society, focusing on our metabolic health will naturally protect us from illness and as a side benefit improve our reflection in the mirror. I am certainly no sports model, I like pizza and bourbon too much. But following an 80 – 20 rule I am able to keep ahead of father time for awhile longer. Having a positive attitude about ourselves will help us make improvements. You should feel good about yourself. Loved this post Marie. Thank you for sharing.

    1. I would like to learn more of your 80-20 rule. I am not a gym goer, but I do want to go out on walks again, as I know those will definitely benefit me. This place of self-acceptance I am in is very freeing, and not wanting to ever diet again too. When I told my husband he just said: finally. He’s always told me I am good just the way I am, but I never saw it his way. Thank you for your comment, Mike.

  8. I relate to this post so much. That spiral of losing weight, gaining confidence and then the weight back again etc. Is one I’m familiar with even if my change in weight is very insignificant. It’s so good to read nowadays the desire to lose weight comes from a more positive place. And I completely get how that might be because of taking your own photographs. Again, I relate!

    1. I think it’s something we should recommend to those who struggle with self image and weight loss, to do a year of self photography, and learn to love their bodies just for what they are. I don’t know if it will work with everyone, but it might be worth a try. Glad you could relate 🙂

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