Back in 2015 I wrote a post called ‘I want‘ and on re-reading it now, five years later, I realize I still want the same. Or should I say, I want the same again? My longing is for the same things I wanted back then, and even more.
Longing for his dominance
My desire back then was to feel the pain when he puts clamps on my body, or use the cane. I longed for him to push me so far that I beg for his mercy; that he has to wipe my tears. His hard touch, for him to hold me, to control me was what I wanted. I wanted to be his whore, his slut, and I wanted to be his forever. To submit to him always.
Then of course came the point where we had to more or less pause our D/s, and the pause took the better part of four years.
This past weekend our life changed once more, as the last of our children moved out. It opens up a whole new life for us. Where we are slowly dipping in some dominance and submission again — last weekend he said that he thinks it’s time I wear my butt plug again — we will now not have to limit it to the moments she wasn’t home, as the entire house is now our own. I have heard Master T mention to put hooks in the beams on the attic (my photo studio) and bound me there so he can flog or whip me. The thought of that sends delicious shivers down my spine.
My longing is still for all the things I wanted in 2015, and maybe even a bit more.
Longing for peace and quiet
Where I long for so many sexy things, I also need other things. Some years ago, a colleague (five years my senior) said the day would come where a parent is ready for their children to leave the house; to fly out on their own. Back then I thought she was crazy. How could she say that. Didn’t she love her children?
Now I know this has nothing to do with love. Of course she loves her children as much as I love mine, but there definitely comes a time when you are ready. I think it has to do with the difference in pace of life. The youngsters all still have a frenzied energy that can be very tiring. I like to have some moments of peace and quiet every day, but our youngest could talk as much in fifteen minutes as others do in an hour. She’s always full of energy and that really is a joy, but sometimes I feel the panic in my head because I long for silence. It takes all my willpower not to be nasty about it then.
I need to have an easy pace of life. Whether it’s with my day job or with my blog work, or just crocheting or watching television. I am done with the frenzies I once went through, and will gladly leave that to a younger generation.
A strong feeling of need
As May stated, the dictionary describes longing as follows: “… a strong feeling of need or desire for someone or something.”
Above I said I am still longing for the same things I wanted back in 2015, but I am in a place in my life where I even want those things to be in a more relaxed pace than it was before. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to submit half-heartedly, but I don’t want the pressure of ‘we have to’ to be driving us anymore. My strong feeling of need is to do it our way. Master T and I are deeply tuned in to each other, and I sense he feels the same.
We have had our days of frenzy when we started our D/s relationship. We had our times with others, and we had our very low times. I hope we will have fun with others again. I just want it to be different. Back when we still went on play dates, so many times I felt let down when it took too long from one date to the other, or when the other party/parties didn’t keep in contact. I don’t want that anymore.
My current deep desire is to build our D/s again; to build it to something that makes both me and Master T happy. I want to submit to him, to hand over control to him, because seriously, after so many years ‘in charge’ because of his health, I am more than ready to hand control back again. I know it’s going to be difficult to let go, as I still watch over him every minute of the day, even though that’s not necessary anymore. The point is, I want to let go. I need him to take control again.
The sooner, the better.
© Rebel’s Notes