My default is trust.
My default was trust. It’s actually quite sad that due to many things that happened this year, I have come to the point where currently my default is distrust. I say currently, because I do believe we all return to our default, but we take the lessons we have learned with us. So maybe I will not return to be fully trusting of just everyone again, but I will come to a point where I trust people, but with a healthy amount of distrust mixed into it, until proven otherwise.
I have written about trust before, in regard to my relationship with Master T and how one should always trust your gut. Another post that touch on the subject of trust is taking people at face value because I work from my own frame of reference: I don’t pretend to be someone different from who I am, so I trust others don’t either.
Many times my trust had been broken
The first thing that comes to mind is the big lie my first husband had told me. While we still dated, he told me about him and a friend being involved in motorcycle racing, and how his friend had this terrible accident on the track, and died in his arms. It made me so sad for him to have lost his friend like that. On our wedding day, a man came over to congratulate us, and he introduced himself to me. It was the friend who allegedly died in my then husband’s arms. We spent out wedding night in separate beds, and I started questioning everything he had ever told me. His default answer eventually became: be happy I married you, because no one else would’ve wanted you.
We were married for two years and one month exactly, and divorced because he abused my daughter, and broke the last bit of trust I had in him — to be a good father for my children. Incidentally, my second marriage also ended because he showed he couldn’t be trusted around my children. He was emotionally abusive towards them, and eventually the stress of all our fights go too much, and I ended our marriage.
Back when I fell pregnant with my daughter, at the age of 16, at first her father said that he would pay the bills, and where I didn’t want to marry him (I didn’t want to ‘correct’ one mistake with another), I said he could see his child. Then he disappeared. His disappearance broke my trust in him, and colored the opinion I had of him. In the past month I learned his disappearance wasn’t voluntarily (more to follow on this when I have worked through my own emotions).
Friendships that violated my trust
I haven’t had many friends in my life, as I prefer to have one or two friends, and for the rest just be by myself. Because of this, I have never been one of the ‘popular’ girls.
Back in school I had two friends, and the three of us were always together, sitting somewhere on a wall or on the grass, watching the popular girls hang out with the popular boys. Had we wished we were part of it? I’m sure we did. Still, I don’t look back on my school days with any regret for not being popular.
When I was in uni, I had no special friends. There were a couple of fellow students whom I could laugh and have fun with, but mostly I kept to myself. My life was so much different than theirs, since I had the responsibility of raising a child besides my study.
In most of my adult life I had one or two friends. Some friendships ended because life took us on different roads, but I have two long-term friendships. One of those started in 1990 and where we don’t talk to each other every day or even every week or month, our friendship is still on. The other started in 2005, and up to today she’s still my best friend. What’s so unique about these two friendships that they lasted so long? We have always been ourselves. No hidden agendas, no second guessing actions or words, but pure and open honesty and trust.
Some years ago I became part of the popular crowd, but that ended in disaster… but through that I have made two new friends, whom will be part of my life for years to come. You know who you are!
Trust as default
It’s part of my nature to trust people. Many times through my life I had felt like I am the last to see a person’s true nature; that everyone around me had already seen it. I have said it before in some posts, that I am always the last to ‘get’ something, as if I am walking with my head in the clouds most of the time, and life passes me by without noticing. Of course this is not entirely true, because I do notice many things, but still I trust too easily.
Once a person has violated my trust, I constantly weigh every word they say, and everything they do, looking for hidden meanings, double agendas. This is so not who I am, and the moment I can’t be myself with someone, I move on. I can’t be in any kind of relationship with anyone if there’s no trust, but with all the lessons I have learned through life, many of them in 2019 and 2020, I know I shouldn’t trust too easily.
My default is still trust, but now with a healthy dose of mistrust as self-protection.
© Rebel’s Notes
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