Trust as default

My default is trust.

Scratch that.

My default was trust. It’s actually quite sad that due to many things that happened this year, I have come to the point where currently my default is distrust. I say currently, because I do believe we all return to our default, but we take the lessons we have learned with us. So maybe I will not return to be fully trusting of just everyone again, but I will come to a point where I trust people, but with a healthy amount of distrust mixed into it, until proven otherwise.

I have written about trust before, in regard to my relationship with Master T and how one should always trust your gut. Another post that touch on the subject of trust is taking people at face value because I work from my own frame of reference: I don’t pretend to be someone different from who I am, so I trust others don’t either.

Many times my trust had been broken

The first thing that comes to mind is the big lie my first husband had told me. While we still dated, he told me about him and a friend being involved in motorcycle racing, and how his friend had this terrible accident on the track, and died in his arms. It made me so sad for him to have lost his friend like that. On our wedding day, a man came over to congratulate us, and he introduced himself to me. It was the friend who allegedly died in my then husband’s arms. We spent out wedding night in separate beds, and I started questioning everything he had ever told me. His default answer eventually became: be happy I married you, because no one else would’ve wanted you.

We were married for two years and one month exactly, and divorced because he abused my daughter, and broke the last bit of trust I had in him — to be a good father for my children. Incidentally, my second marriage also ended because he showed he couldn’t be trusted around my children. He was emotionally abusive towards them, and eventually the stress of all our fights go too much, and I ended our marriage.

Back when I fell pregnant with my daughter, at the age of 16, at first her father said that he would pay the bills, and where I didn’t want to marry him (I didn’t want to ‘correct’ one mistake with another), I said he could see his child. Then he disappeared. His disappearance broke my trust in him, and colored the opinion I had of him. In the past month I learned his disappearance wasn’t voluntarily (more to follow on this when I have worked through my own emotions).

Friendships that violated my trust

I haven’t had many friends in my life, as I prefer to have one or two friends, and for the rest just be by myself. Because of this, I have never been one of the ‘popular’ girls.

Back in school I had two friends, and the three of us were always together, sitting somewhere on a wall or on the grass, watching the popular girls hang out with the popular boys. Had we wished we were part of it? I’m sure we did. Still, I don’t look back on my school days with any regret for not being popular.

When I was in uni, I had no special friends. There were a couple of fellow students whom I could laugh and have fun with, but mostly I kept to myself. My life was so much different than theirs, since I had the responsibility of raising a child besides my study.

In most of my adult life I had one or two friends. Some friendships ended because life took us on different roads, but I have two long-term friendships. One of those started in 1990 and where we don’t talk to each other every day or even every week or month, our friendship is still on. The other started in 2005, and up to today she’s still my best friend. What’s so unique about these two friendships that they lasted so long? We have always been ourselves. No hidden agendas, no second guessing actions or words, but pure and open honesty and trust.

Some years ago I became part of the popular crowd, but that ended in disaster… but through that I have made two new friends, whom will be part of my life for years to come. You know who you are!

Trust as default

It’s part of my nature to trust people. Many times through my life I had felt like I am the last to see a person’s true nature; that everyone around me had already seen it. I have said it before in some posts, that I am always the last to ‘get’ something, as if I am walking with my head in the clouds most of the time, and life passes me by without noticing. Of course this is not entirely true, because I do notice many things, but still I trust too easily.

Once a person has violated my trust, I constantly weigh every word they say, and everything they do, looking for hidden meanings, double agendas. This is so not who I am, and the moment I can’t be myself with someone, I move on. I can’t be in any kind of relationship with anyone if there’s no trust, but with all the lessons I have learned through life, many of them in 2019 and 2020, I know I shouldn’t trust too easily.

My default is still trust, but now with a healthy dose of mistrust as self-protection.

© Rebel’s Notes
Image from Pixabay

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13 thoughts on “Trust as default

  1. It is necessary to trust for our own health and sanity. Unfortunately some people make that trust impossible! But I still believe most people are trustworthy. Stay safe! I found your ex husbands behaviour’s abhorrent! Good that you got them out of your life.

    1. Like you, I believe most people are trustworthy, but some people definitely make trust impossible. Stay safe, Michael 🙂

  2. I have always admired the honesty and emotion you pour into your words and the recounting of your journey and experiences.
    Your strength and sincerity, (even though you may not always feel them at certain moments in time), is inspiring. And I do so regret that on the one occasion I had to introduce myself all those years ago at Eroticon, I was too shy to do so.
    Self-protection should, of course, be important to all of us … and so should being true to ourselves, and being able to live all our lives they way we really are, without having to worry about the judgements of others.
    May you always have the trust … and the love … you so deserve.
    Xxx – K

    1. Oh K, your comment brought a lump to my throat. I would so like to sit down with you, have a cup of tea and just chat the afternoon away. Maybe we can do so on one of my travels, who knows xox

  3. I know exactly how you feel. I trust way too easily. When that trust is broken it is heartbreaking. I prefer to take people at face value however have learned many take advantage of that. Some say I am naïve because of that.

  4. i often think when you are looking/searching for friends the right ones don’t appear – the moment you look away and navigate your life then like minded people find each other. You last line is a healthy way to be. Trust needs to be earned – like respect really
    May xx <3

    1. I think you are right, when we stop searching we find the right ones. And I agree with you re trust and respect 🙂 xox

  5. It’s sad to see that distrust has been a default. I hope that over time people will show you the positivity and openness to allow you trust like you used to.

    1. I hope so too, PS. Thankfully I don’t distrust everyone. There are people I definitely trust with all my heart, but with there are still too many where I have added a healthy dos of distrust. I hope to return to full trust eventually.

  6. I think my balance is tipping back in the direction of trust again now. I think it is so hard, when trust has been violated by someone we think better of, to take other people at their word. But you’re right, being authentic to yourself is the best way to be. I think when we aren’t covering ourself in a cloak to be accepted our instinct can hear much clearer.

    1. Those last words are SO striking. I will come back many times to read them xox

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