F*ck 2020. Just fuck 2020.
There, I said it.
I’m upset as I write this. Upset. Angry. Sad. Tired.
Honestly, this year is turning out to be almost too much in that there are so many unknowns, upsetting things and new things we need to adjust to. I don’t do well with change, not immediately that is, as I always need to readjust my balance. Sometimes it takes an hour, sometimes months.
I have started writing this post several times, and every time I deleted what I have written. It just didn’t sound right; didn’t bring across what’s in my mind. I am tired as I write this, tired from taking care of and worrying about my son, who is going through a really bad time at the moment. Thankfully, I am not alone in caring for him. He has a whole team of professionals around him, and my daughter and I can lean on each other.
What is currently happening to my son, has amplified my feelings about so many things that happened this year. The virus. Bullying. Colleagues. So-called friends. Mean words. Negativity. It all looks so insignificant compared to what my son is going through now. I think of all those things, not one by one, but as a collection of things that influenced me a lot this year, and not in a positive way.
And still, I look back on them and am… grateful.
I have suffered from panic attacks because of intense negativity and bullying, and it has taught me to take a step back, and to analyze what I am doing, and where I want to go. I realized I had been on a collision course for too long, as I had moved too far away from myself, trying to be what others wanted me to be.
Taking that step back helped me to break some habits. Suddenly there was room in my life for other things. I started crocheting, and have already completed quite a couple of projects. I started researching my paternal family tree and am so happy for having found my favorite cousin and am in almost daily contact with him now. Oh the memories we share!
Thinking about the panic attacks and the reasons for it immediately tightens my chest and labor my breathing, but remembering the good that came from it, calms me down again. It’s not only that I now have time for more projects.
I’m more at peace when I write.
I have started a new project with some dear friends.
The way I go about my day is much more balanced than it was for far too long.
I am content in my work, despite all the nastiness and upsetting things that have happened during our first lock-down. Yes, some of my colleagues has shown their dark sides too. One good thing that will come from the lock-down is that I will work 50/50 from now on, half of my work week at home, the other half in the office.
I like the new pace of life that Master T and I have adopted. It’s relaxed. I spend more time on the couch than I have done before. We are more relaxed, and I know, part of it is because of the huge improvement in Master T’s health. Maybe this is the thing I am the most thankful for this year: that we finally can leave four years of hardship and pain behind us, and have more perspective for the future than we had in a long time. Our sex life is back on track, and that also helps to keep the smiles on our faces.
This has been a strange year, and where I still have the urge to say f*ck 2020 when I have this one huge, strange vibe running through me as all the negative things seem to fight to be in my mind all at the same time, I can easily turn all of that into positives, because of the lessons I have learned, the good it has brought me, and because of feeling more like me. Honestly, in hindsight, I like the me I am now a lot more than I like who I was in the beginning of the year.
A thought crossed my mind yesterday. When I went through my second divorce I promised myself to never change myself again to be what someone else wants me to be. I haven’t done this in relationships, but it happened in what I thought were friendships, and those ended in disaster. It took a couple of years, but looking back, I know now none of ‘them’ ever had enough interest in me to really get to know me. Their loss.
So yes, here I am at a point where I balance between saying ‘f*ck 2020’ and also grateful for what I have learned this year. The ‘f*ck 2020’ flared up again because of my son’s mental breakdown last week, and the worries that came from that, the stress, the broken nights. But in this too, I have things I am grateful for — his supervisors (he is in assisted living), the team that jumped in during his breakdown (the psychologist, the psychiatrist, and more), and the strength of our family for always being there for each other.
This has definitely been a year of extreme emotions, but being me, I always try to take the positive from it, and be thankful for what I have.
© Rebel’s Notes
Image from Pixabay