F*ck 2020, but I’m thankful too

F*ck 2020. Just fuck 2020.

There, I said it.

I’m upset as I write this. Upset. Angry. Sad. Tired.

Honestly, this year is turning out to be almost too much in that there are so many unknowns, upsetting things and new things we need to adjust to. I don’t do well with change, not immediately that is, as I always need to readjust my balance. Sometimes it takes an hour, sometimes months.


I have started writing this post several times, and every time I deleted what I have written. It just didn’t sound right; didn’t bring across what’s in my mind. I am tired as I write this, tired from taking care of and worrying about my son, who is going through a really bad time at the moment. Thankfully, I am not alone in caring for him. He has a whole team of professionals around him, and my daughter and I can lean on each other.

What is currently happening to my son, has amplified my feelings about so many things that happened this year. The virus. Bullying. Colleagues. So-called friends. Mean words. Negativity. It all looks so insignificant compared to what my son is going through now. I think of all those things, not one by one, but as a collection of things that influenced me a lot this year, and not in a positive way.

And still, I look back on them and am… grateful.

I have suffered from panic attacks because of intense negativity and bullying, and it has taught me to take a step back, and to analyze what I am doing, and where I want to go. I realized I had been on a collision course for too long, as I had moved too far away from myself, trying to be what others wanted me to be.

Taking that step back helped me to break some habits. Suddenly there was room in my life for other things. I started crocheting, and have already completed quite a couple of projects. I started researching my paternal family tree and am so happy for having found my favorite cousin and am in almost daily contact with him now. Oh the memories we share!

Thinking about the panic attacks and the reasons for it immediately tightens my chest and labor my breathing, but remembering the good that came from it, calms me down again. It’s not only that I now have time for more projects.

I’m more at peace when I write.

I have started a new project with some dear friends.

The way I go about my day is much more balanced than it was for far too long.

I am content in my work, despite all the nastiness and upsetting things that have happened during our first lock-down. Yes, some of my colleagues has shown their dark sides too. One good thing that will come from the lock-down is that I will work 50/50 from now on, half of my work week at home, the other half in the office.

I like the new pace of life that Master T and I have adopted. It’s relaxed. I spend more time on the couch than I have done before. We are more relaxed, and I know, part of it is because of the huge improvement in Master T’s health. Maybe this is the thing I am the most thankful for this year: that we finally can leave four years of hardship and pain behind us, and have more perspective for the future than we had in a long time. Our sex life is back on track, and that also helps to keep the smiles on our faces.

This has been a strange year, and where I still have the urge to say f*ck 2020 when I have this one huge, strange vibe running through me as all the negative things seem to fight to be in my mind all at the same time, I can easily turn all of that into positives, because of the lessons I have learned, the good it has brought me, and because of feeling more like me. Honestly, in hindsight, I like the me I am now a lot more than I like who I was in the beginning of the year.

A thought crossed my mind yesterday. When I went through my second divorce I promised myself to never change myself again to be what someone else wants me to be. I haven’t done this in relationships, but it happened in what I thought were friendships, and those ended in disaster. It took a couple of years, but looking back, I know now none of ‘them’ ever had enough interest in me to really get to know me. Their loss.

So yes, here I am at a point where I balance between saying ‘f*ck 2020’ and also grateful for what I have learned this year. The ‘f*ck 2020’ flared up again because of my son’s mental breakdown last week, and the worries that came from that, the stress, the broken nights. But in this too, I have things I am grateful for — his supervisors (he is in assisted living), the team that jumped in during his breakdown (the psychologist, the psychiatrist, and more), and the strength of our family for always being there for each other.

This has definitely been a year of extreme emotions, but being me, I always try to take the positive from it, and be thankful for what I have.

© Rebel’s Notes
Image from Pixabay


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19 thoughts on “F*ck 2020, but I’m thankful too

  1. Many of the things you have written here are true for us all. While I know that I am one of the former friends that so disappointed you, I want you to know that I still care about you and what happens to you. I am pleased to know that you have been able to reevaluate what is important in your life. That Master T’s health has improved and that you are spending more time relaxing together. Happy also that you have new projects. I am just sad that we are no longer friends. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think about you a lot. xx

    1. Thank you for your comment, Julie. I guess we both embarked on different roads, and those just happened to lead in different directions. Reality is that I had to choose the road which would keep me safe and sane.

  2. I have two mottoes. The first is Carpe Diem, but you already knew that (secretly another reminder for you 😉 ). The second is ‘All will be well the question is when’. both mottoes keep me going.

    1. I should adapt that second motto too, but in the midst of my son’s mental breakdown, it’s sometimes difficult to think like that. But we will get there 🙂

  3. I am glad to see you are relaxing more and enjoying the contentment of just being yourself. Your new project is fantastic! I was hoping you would find a way to continue with what was at the heart of the Smut Marathon. You are so knowledgeable and it is great to see you continuing to share that knowledge. Now, if only I could remember what I set up for my login when I registered. 🤷🏻‍♀️
    Your son is lucky to have you in his corner, and to be in a place where he is supported and cared for in the way that he needs. I know it doesn’t really make you worry any less.
    No matter the hardships or circumstances of our lives, there is always something to be thankful for.

    1. I absolutely love the project we have going on, and being able to share my knowledge, and learn from others 🙂
      My son is going through a terrible time, but I keep on supporting him and pray he will get through this sooner rather than later. I worry about him deeply, but want to keep my eye on the light at the other side of the tunnel.

  4. I think that 2020 has taken a toll on all of us in ways we may not even be aware of sometimes.
    So many times I have wanted to snuggle up next to Ben and say, “can you please wake me up when it is all over?”

    1. Sometimes I also want to go to sleep and only wake up when the world is ‘normal’ again, although there are some things I never want back in my life again.

  5. 2020 has brought out some of the worst in people–and thankfully some of the best.

    Sending lots of hugs and good thoughts for your son. No matter how grown up they get, we still always want to fix everything for them.

    And I agree with your sentiment completely!

    1. You are right, Charmer, I would love to take all his hurt away, and hate that he has to go through all this pain. It hurts me to see him in such a state. But, we will get through this, we have to. Thank you for your lovely comment 🙂

  6. I’m sorry that 2020 has been so tough on you and your family and I hope that your son gets all the care that he needs. I’m glad that you have set yourself on a path that hopefully will lead to a better 2021.

    1. Thank you for your kind comment, PS. I’m planning to stay on this path, as I have so much more peace of mind than I had before.

  7. Its been a hard year in so many different ways. I’m glad you’ve been able to find things to be grateful for, and I hope the positive changes mean you are able to move forward into 2021 feeling a little brighter. N xx

    1. I believe in trying to be positive, even when the darkness surrounds me. Let’s hope 2021 is a better year for all of us 🙂 xox

  8. The new and the old, reality and memories…
    2020 has been a roller coaster for most of us, and the important thing you mention is balance. I am so happy for all the positive things happening in your life now, and supportive on the negative ones. May the problems dissappear quickly, and joy fill your life.

    1. Thank you for your lovely comment. I prefer to look at the positive, even in very difficult times. We will get through this… through everything.

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