“Life is good.”
This is something Master T and I had said to each other so many times in the past. It was said in moments we sat somewhere in the sun on a terrace, drink in hand, food in our bellies and both of us in good spirits. Said at times when we had spent special moments with friends and family. Even in moments where we simply sat on the couch, both content, happy.
“Life is good.”
And then things changed
In September 2016 Master T started having problems with his leg. Lesions on his stump. It started out slow, but soon turned into raw wounds, blood and pain. Constant, 24/7 pain. By December 2016 he couldn’t drive anymore, and ended up working from home. He also has a severe vitamin D deficiency, and this combine with the pain sent him into a depression, for which he ended up at a psychologist in 2017. The psychologist also helped him with the panic attacks, as he panicked in open spaces, and always had to hold my hand when we went somewhere.
End January 2017, my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. By the time we heard, she could already not leave the house walking anymore, due to severe shortness of breath. I accompanied her to every appointment with several doctors — the first three weeks she had appointments almost every day — while also having the care for Master T. I shut off my own feelings, and just did what I needed to do.
On 1 July 2017 I slept in the hospital next to mom. On 4 July she was transferred to the hospice, and I still slept at her side every night. My mom passed away on 12 July 2017. She was buried a week later. The day after her funeral our house flooded. It took until the end of October 2017 before everything was fixed again. By then I was back to work, trying my best to manage the department I ran.
In 2018 — I don’t remember exactly when — I crashed. I had terrible thoughts. I didn’t want anyone to know. Plastered a smile on my face and just carried on. Supported Master T and just carried on. “Life is good” wasn’t something that crossed my mind.
Getting help and accepting
Thoughts of just driving off a bridge or crashing into a tree occupied my mind, and I realized I needed help. After several appointments at a psychologist, EMDR finally unlocked the feelings of grief I had shut down in 2017. Another thing that helped me is that I took a step back at my work. Responsibilities were transferred, and I was only burdened with as much as I could handle.
In the meantime there was still no progress in Master T’s physical health, and where he wasn’t depressed anymore, he was still not ‘his old self’. It took many months of 2019 and part of 2020 to come to terms with our sexless marriage and accepting that things are what they are. It’s easy to write about this now, but there were some very dark days, many frustrations, thoughts of ‘straying’, but through all of this one thing shined like a beacon: our love for each other.
In the first half of 2020, there were a couple of months where I suffered from panic attacks, to the point where I considered going back to a psychologist. Thing was, I couldn’t, as due to Covid19 all health care was shut down. I had to battle through it myself, and did so with the help of Master T and friends. My chest still tightens when I think of what had happened, but mainly I have moved on. I have changed direction, am more focused on what I want instead of just following a crowd, and decided that I want to concentrate on the positive things in life. The things that make me happy. The things that make us happy.
Life is good again
I believe it was somewhere in May that our youngest asked Master T about his leg and his answer immediately made me turn and look at him. Instead of saying ‘still the same’ like he did on so many occasions since 2016, he now said ‘it feels okay’. At that moment he was without pain for almost two weeks.
We were carefully optimistic.
In the meantime, so much has happened. Master T has a new prosthetic, which is perfect. He still has no pain. Since he didn’t take his vitamins frequently, I have put it with my meds and he gets a tablet every day (men! don’t tell him I said that!). At the end of July we had sex for the first time in… forever. And every week since then. And sometimes in between. His mood is so much better. He’s full of jokes again. His eyes have a sparkle again. He can still not drive places by himself, so I am doing the driving, but I see that as an act of submission (thank you, Missy!).
So much has changed. So much is better than it ever was. Our love is even stronger. Sex feels different, like there’s a deeper connection than there was before 2016. Our D/s is slowly returning too. I feel happy with my blog, and grateful to be involved with Blogable with two stunning ladies. I still cry about my mom, but I also smile at some beautiful memories.
Yes, life is good!
Life is good again, despite the virus out there, despite the way life has changed because of that. Through all of the hardships of the past four years, I have learned that one should always look for that silver lining. If I look back now, I can see they were always there. Things can get dark, but I also believe you never get more on your plate than you can handle. Yes, I too was to the point where I was ready to give up, but I made it through, and for that — and the support of family and friends ( you know who you are) — I am eternally grateful.
“Life is good.”
© Rebel’s Notes
Image from Pixabay