You take my self control

An image portraying self control, by mirroring the face of a woman, and taking away a bar from her face in the one, adding to the other.

Sometimes, in some situations, I wish I could just let go; to show my true and honest feelings. In many situations I do, but those situations are only when the feelings are positive. Like when I’m happy or content, and sometimes also when I’m emotional . When the feelings are negative – upset, anger, irritation, and sometimes also showing emotions – my self control seems to lock those inside. I hide them; am ‘ashamed’ of them.

Oh, the night is my world
City light painted girl
In the day nothing matters
It’s the night time that flatters
In the night, no control
Through the wall something’s breaking
Wearing white as you’re walkin’
Down the street of my soul the night is my world

In the night, no control…

Upset feelings, those that were accumulated during the day, those I have pushed away because they weren’t ‘appropriate’, seem to come out at night. Either they explode the moment I am home, or they haunt me in my dreams at night.

Why can I not let go? Why do I care more about upsetting others with my negative reactions than them caring about evoking such feelings in me with their words and behaviors?

You take my self, you take my self control
You got me livin’ only for the night
Before the morning comes, the story’s told
You take my self, you take my self control

Before the morning comes, the story’s told

Master T is my safe place. I can let go when I am with him. I never have to hide my feelings from him. I can rage, I can cry, I can throw out all those emotions I have locked up inside. I can lose my self control without feeling guilty or ashamed.

Even when I unload on him, the night seems to be when I process my feelings. My dreams are colored with strange images; haunted by unpleasant characters.

Another night, another day goes by
I never stop myself to wonder why
You help me to forget to play my role
You take my self, you take my self control

You help me to forget to play my role

He helps me to forget. He helps me to play my role. By allowing me those moments to unload, to tell him how I feel, he helps me to move on. He helps me to return to who I am… to ‘play my role’. To calm down. To feel centered. With him I can lose my self control to regain my self control.

When I see others showing there anger, their irritation, I have mixed feelings. Part of me feels envy, because I want to be able to do it too, to just let go. A bigger part feels shame; shame on their behalf. I know I shouldn’t feel the shame, because everyone is entitled to be honest about what they feel, but somehow I can’t seem to shake the feelings of shame, the same way I can’t just let go and show all my feelings.

My self control is strong, sometimes too strong, but as long as Master T sometimes takes my self control, allowing me to feel, I can live with a strong self control.

And to be honest, the control I have has bring me lots of good things too, as has giving control over to Master T…

You take my self, you take my self control

© Rebel’s Notes
Image from Pixabay

The September Song Project     Wicked Wednesday     Musically Ranting

5 thoughts on “You take my self control

  1. Those lyrics work really well with the points of your post. 🙂

    I think a lot of people process through their emotions at the end of the day — whenever “end of day” might be for them; I once had a friend who worked second shift so his end-of-day came around 2am — it seems like the mind’s way of putting things to bed.

    1. I have always been one to process at night, and sometimes it happens when I am awake (which prevents me from sleeping); other times my dreams haunt me, like is happening lately.

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