Sex, intimacy and love… one can’t exist without the other?

Moments of intimacy exists between a couple when they walk hand in hand.

Almost a year ago, I wrote Death of Sexual Desire in which I talked about the lack of sex in our life, but how despite that, intimacy and love was still very much present. To that I received the following comment:

Without sex there can be no intimacy. Without sex there is no love. Without penetrative sex there is no sex. To believe otherwise is to deal in rationalization, justification, and denial

I have been saving this comment since then, wanting to elaborate on it, but just waiting for the right time. With the current Tell Me About prompt being ‘Intimacy’, that time has come.

Without penetrative sex there is no sex

I don’t agree with this.

As I have written some weeks ago, our sex life is back on track (and yes it still is!). It just so happened that since the last Saturday of July, we fell into the habit of having sex every Saturday, and occasionally on the Tuesday. But since that first time, we haven’t missed a single Saturday.

In all those times we were intimate, Master T penetrated me only once. Yes, one time.

So now reread what I said:

  • “we fell into the habit of having sex every Saturday”
  • “penetrated me only once”

On all of the occasions, including that one night he fucked me, he rubbed my clitoris, fingered my cunt, and brought me to orgasm over and over and over again. That, in my book, is sex too. Penetration definitely is not needed to call it sex. In fact, I barely ever come from penetrative sex. I actually prefer fingers and especially clitoral stimulation.

Something else that comes to mind: what about those couples out there where penetration is a problem, because of health problems? I am sure they find other ways to have sex too! So, to me, the statement ‘without penetrative sex there is no sex’ just holds no truth.

Without sex there is no love

I don’t agree with this.

For the past four years, until that weekend in July, our sex life was almost non-existent. Months went by without any kind of sex, simply because the pain Master T felt 24/7 consumed all his energy.

Simply stated: had there not been so much love between us, who knows where we would’ve been today. Our love is so strong, and the basis for everything in our life. Sex is not the most important in our life. No, love is. It has always been love, from the very first moment. Long before we had sex for the first time, we knew we loved each other. So where in the world is the truth in the statement ‘without sex there is no love’?

Without sex there can be no intimacy

I don’t agree with this.

I have written about intimacy and sex before. There are just so many kinds of intimacy, found throughout the day, if only you care to look for it. It doesn’t have to be with your partner, but can be with your children, your friends, or even your hairdresser, as I mentioned in that post.

However, if I purely look at intimacy between Master T and me, there’s so much of it. It’s in those moments we lock eyes with each other, and our faces light up, smiling. We feel it when we walk in a shop, and I slip my hand in his. It’s in those moments we lie next to each other in bed, watching television and lie there holding hands. A simple kiss, unexpectedly changing into a deeper one, stir up so many feelings in both of us. And yes, of course we also feel the intimacy in those moments we have sex.

Intimacy is without throughout the day, and we don’t have to be sexually active to feel it. So to say and believe ‘without sex there can be no intimacy’ is actually quite sad.

Sex, intimacy and love

These three — sexy, intimacy and love — are closely connected, but you don’t have to all three of them all the time to be happy. Sex and intimacy can go together without love — just think of one night stands. Two people can have sex, and be very intimate with each other for a a couple of hours, but there doesn’t necessarily have to be love between them.

The same way intimacy and love can exist without sex, as it had been in our relationship until a couple of weeks ago. The only combination I doubt is whether sex and love can exist without intimacy? I somehow think it can’t.

Back to the comment I mentioned above. It says that if I believe different from the three statements in the comment, I am dealing in rationalization, justification and denial. I have every respect for the viewpoints of others, but my life experience has taught me differently, and like I said in my reply to the comment, maybe the commenter just still has a lot to learn about life.

© Rebel’s Notes
Image from Pixabay



12 thoughts on “Sex, intimacy and love… one can’t exist without the other?

  1. This is a great post!! I totally agree with you—and the others who have commented. Penis in vagina is a pretty limited idea of sex. Intimacy and love are not synonymous with sexual activity. They aren’t even necessary when having sex. Intimacy and love are enriched by sex, but many couples love each other and yet no longer have sex frequently or even at all. Some of your commenters have a way with words—far superior to mine—and have said this most eloquently.

    1. Thank you for your comment, Michael, and I agree, there are many couples who don’t have sex anymore, but still love each other dearly 🙂

  2. Looks like the Mojo is back MR! Really pleased that the icing on the cake has returned, because that’s what it is. Your relationship is strong and continually tested in ways others cannot comprehend. x

    1. Thanks HL. We are definitely back, and that is such a good place to be. I am certainly enjoying the icing on the cake 😉 xox

  3. “Without penetrative sex there is no sex”
    RIP lesbians lmao.
    I 100% agree with you that penetration is not required to have sex, in my definition

    I also don’t understand how there wouldn’t be love without sex lol. Hello asexual is a thing and they love. And love is not dependant on sex, period. What a stupid comment.

    And it’s the same for intimacy! No need for sex. I’m so glad you wrote this post and kept that comment to do so.

    1. Thanks, ML. This person was either very shortsighted, or just haven’t thought their comment through. I don’t know, but I definitely don’t agree with it, but it was nice a inspiration for this post 🙂

  4. Wow. I was actually quite shocked when I read that comment. I don’t know why people become so narrow in their views but it really surprises me the ignorance. I want to rant about all of the different dynamics out there who are proving this very statement wrong and to see sex about penetration? Hogwash. Does that mean those who don’t use penetration are not having sex? How ridiculous. I would also say that penetrative sex is not one of the most intimate things that we do.

    Anyway, too much time on an ignorant comment and not enough on a considered post. I really liked reading this. What you say about the closeness and intimacy created in a relationship on an emotional level rings so true for us too. It really is the emotional connection I feel that leads me to feel that I desire someone sexually. It prompts the submissive part of me to want to serve them and meet their needs, making them feel special and desired and connected in a physical sense too.

    Great post Marie. missy x

    1. Thank you, Missy. Like you, I was shocked at the comment too, and can’t believe that some people really have such a narrow view of what sex, intimacy and love is. And what you mentioned already, without some kind of emotional connection, I just can’t desire someone sexually. That will never work for me.

  5. I dislike that ‘intimacy’ is so often used as a euphemism for ‘sexually involved’. I also dislike that ‘sex’ is only seen by some people as PIV penetrative activity.

    Defining things, calling activities by their more descriptive factual names (oral sex, analingus, fingering, etc.) has become an important part of establishing What’s What when I’m figuring things out with new partners for that very reason. Because if you say, “I’ve only had sex with two people,” odds are: how you mean ‘sex’ and how I understand ‘sex’ are probably very different.

    By the “PIV only” definition of sex, I haven’t had sex in quite a long time.

    In reality, the last time I had sex was just a couple days ago.

    As for that comment…

    I’ll just say that sex and love are NOT the same thing. Neither is sex equal to intimacy. Even the most basic of dictionaries is clear about that, but even if that was not the case: What he’s saying by boxing each concept as he does is that one cannot love one’s parents or share commonality of experience leading to intimacy (military veterans share a specific kind of intimacy, for example, as do cancer survivors and co-workers and groups of people who experience or overcome crisis together) unless one is fucking those people.

    Every individual is entitled to their own beliefs.

    I won’t buy into it though. It just doesn’t make sense.

    1. It didn’t make sense to me either, which is why I had it in my drafts folder for so long, as I wanted to respond to it at some time. Like you say, each is entitled to their own beliefs, but we don’t have to share them 🙂

  6. Ben is in his prime but he does not have the energy for penetrative sex/intercourse every day. We do share in intercourse a few times each week. This past week has been stressful though so we did not all week, until Saturday when he had recouped his energy and wanted to again and again.
    On a daily basis, there is always intimacy. We never go a day without some forms of physical affection and we both believe that all those gestures from holding hands, to hugs, pecks on the cheek, head rubs. pinching each’s waist or behind, they all help to keep us physically close, playful, kindly, open with each other.
    But I think that although sex, foreplay, intimate touching all contribute to love, love itself is more profound. Love deepens every time we support each other through a stressful situation, love deepens every time we have an honest conversation about our inner beliefs and try to make sense of this crazy world together, love deepens when we confess we did something we knew was not ok and we forgive each other and help each other accept that the guilt is a sign our conscience is stinging and we don’t want to hurt each other, love deepens when one of us is tired and grumpy and the other respects that sometimes we need our own space and rest but still does sweet little things like making a drink or some household chore.

    I think we are learning all the time about all the little countless ways that are like bricks in the structure of our relationship that we want to be stronger and stronger over time. I am in my thirties, Ben in his forties, (which I remind him of occasionally – lol) and there may come a time when naturally some aspects of our sex life slow down, but I hope the love just grows deeper and deeper and that we never take for granted the little intimate gestures that can be even more meaningful and special as an all-night romp.

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