Limits, but not only in D/s

An image showing a laptop, a book and a telephone all bound together with a chain, indicating limits being set.

The last time I wrote about limits was in August 2019, and nothing much have changed from then, except that maybe for now pain will be on my orange list too, as it’s been so long ago that I experienced intense pain, and I believe it should be built up again.

Respect for D/s limits

In our D/s relationship we have respect for each other’s limits. Yes, I say each other’s, as I am not the only one having limits and boundaries. Master T has them too. He doesn’t have a list the way I do — he just doesn’t believe in writing these things down or discussing them at length — but there are things he will never engage in, simply because he’s not interested or because he’s physically not able to do them. Some of the latter in the past he allowed others to do, while he watched.

I respect his limits, as much as he respects mine. Those on my list of soft limits, he will sometimes challenge, to see where I stand on them. We are slowly starting to explore again — very slowly — and who knows how my limits might change if we now continue these explorations.

Other kinds of limits

This post, however, is not (only) about D/s limits. I had a conversation with a friend last week, about a situation at my work, and how my boundaries were not respected. They were not respected, but I also didn’t defend them. I didn’t say no. I allowed someone to step over my boundaries. I should’ve said no, but I didn’t.

Looking back on the past months, I see more moments where this has happened. More moments where I allowed people to just bulldozer on, and where I totally ‘forgot’ to say ‘no’, or just didn’t have the guts to do so. As I have said in other posts, I am a people pleaser. This makes it much easier for me to say yes — it’s second nature — than to say no.

The moment I say yes, I feel good. I am going to help that person. I am valued. I am needed. I am doing good. And I know I am. I know they value what I do. I know the things I have been asked or given to do, really is needed. I know I am serving a bigger cause.

What I forget in the moment I agree to do something, or am just given some new things to do, is that I already have a lot on my plate. It’s only at the point of no return that I realize that it’s too much. That I sometimes feel the tears. Or irritation. Or anger. And every time this happens, I swear I am not going to let it happen again.

Until I do.

Lessons learned and still to be learned

What I mentioned in the previous paragraphs mostly have to do with my work, but sometimes also with private situations. Like when I agreed to do a monthly social thing for our local restaurant. I knew I didn’t have time for it, but when I was asked, I instantly said yes. I do that with work too.

One thing I have learned in the past — but sadly ‘forget’ too many times — is that, when someone asks me something, the first thing I need to say is: “let me think about it and I will get back to you.” That’s one thing I need to get back to, to say that. I especially need to apply this to work situations, as I did have a burnout 8 years ago, and I definitely don’t want to get in the situation where I get another one. This means I have to guard my own boundaries. Have to learn how to say no. Have to tell people I am not available when I take time off.

I learned some of these lessons in the past, and somehow as time went on, I ‘unlearned’ them. I need to apply those lessons again, and be the guardian of my own limits, as no one else will do that.

No, that’s not entirely true. Master T guards my limits too, as he knows I overstretch myself. Sadly, there is nothing he can do when I have already agreed to do something. Once I said yes, it’s a matter of honor to do what I have agreed to do. This is why the one thing I definitely have to get back to buying myself some time by saying I will think about it. Then I can discuss it with Master T, and we can decide together if I have the time and mental capacity to do it or not.

Sometimes it’s damn hard to get away from a people-pleasing nature, and put myself first.

Just a side note: Being a people pleaser is not always a bad thing. Mostly it’s not, as it gives me a lot of satisfaction to help people. It’s just that when I feel people (and mostly this relates to work) are taking advantage of this side of my personality, and I allow them, that it really becomes a bad thing.

© Rebel’s Notes
Image from Pixabay

4 thoughts on “Limits, but not only in D/s

  1. I am glad that you also wrote about limits in other parts of your life. Establishing boundaries is so important and I am better at doing that once I realise that it is a difficult relationship but at other times, like you, can be too trusting of people’s motives 🙂

    1. Being to trusting has brought me many tears through my life. It’s a trap I keep on falling in…

  2. It’s that old argument that if you keep saying yes to please people, you end up disappointing them by not meeting their expectations. Over reach is a common problem in today’s society in terms of managing time.

    1. You are so right about that, and I might be a slow learner, but I am getting better at saying no.

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