After writing my last post on personal growth, I had more to say…
The past months have been hard. Really hard. And not because of the virus raging through the world.
I don’t want to go into specifics, but on 15 April the world I have known for the past 7-8 years blew up. It was an explosion that had been building for some time, and on 15 April that explosion destroyed one of the firm foundations on which I relied.
I spent the entire day on 15 April shivering all over. The panic attacks I had developed since February came to a head. I knew for months something had to change, but pushed the thoughts away, not knowing how to go about the change… until 15 April forced me to throw everything I was doing on one pile, and reassess my priorities; how I wanted to continue.
It took me another two months of stress and panic attacks to finally practiced what I had preached to many people before… to be true to myself. I took some drastic measures, something else on which I don’t want to elaborate.
I went through moments of self doubt. Maybe I really am the bad person they say I am… no, I know I’m not… maybe I should have… but I did… maybe it would have been better… but that’s what I did. Nothing I did was good enough and every time something else happened I doubted myself more, reacted in panic and moved further away from being myself.
Thank god for friends.
And my husband.
Gradually they got through to me. It was a slow process because of the self doubt; because I was too caught up in a net of lies and manipulation, but towards the end of June, I finally chose for myself.
I was done with doing things for others. Or rather, the things I had been doing up to then. I have tried to fit a mold for years so I could fit in; so I could ‘belong’. It turned out I never did. It took me far too long to realize I had been used. And abused, I now dare to add. Others had to convince me of that last part, as I was too caught up in the hurt to see it that way.
But, all of what happened once more taught me new things about myself, and confirmed things I already knew:
- I am a people pleaser. This can be a bad thing, but also good, because I love to help others.
- I am a sensitive person. My feelings of hurt run very deep and stay with me for far too long, sometimes for years.
- I have difficulty handling conflict. In fact, conflict is terribly triggering because of my youth (this was really hard when I finally understood it, and it still is).
- I respect and trust people instantly, until they give me reason not to.
- Mutual respect are incredibly important to me.
- I learn at my own pace, but I always learn.
- It’s my nature to want to justify and defend myself, but sometimes I just don’t, because I recognize that every attempt will be futile.
- I don’t want to have beliefs forced on me, whether it has to do with politics, religion, or any other subject you can come up with.
- I am not an activist.
I am forever growing, but at the core I am always the same person: kind, respectful, helpful.
And something else I have learned is that there are people out there who has seen the true me. People who are true friends and not trying to take advantage of my trusting nature only because it can make them feel better. These people really care about me as a person, and I am and will be forever grateful for how they have helped me survive some hellish months.
Master T is one of those people.
The others know who they are. Thank you! You helped me survive, and get to know myself a little bit better.
© Rebel’s Notes
Image from Pixabay