“In a world ordered by sexual imbalance, pleasure in looking has been split between active/male and passive/female. The determining male gaze projects its phantasy on to the female form which is styled accordingly. In their traditional exhibitionist role women are simultaneously looked at and displayed, with their appearance coded for strong visual and erotic impact so that they can be said to connote to-be-looked-at-ness.”~ Laura Mulvey, Visual And Other Pleasures
Watching or being watched during sex
- At the most basic level, how do you feel about watching sex, or being watched whilst having sex?
- Would being watched make any difference to what you did, or how you did it?
One of the first times I was watched while having sex was with Master T, when we had an erotic massage date and the other man was fucking me while Master T watched. It was so strange and I kept on looking over at Master T to see if he was okay (which he was). Other times followed, like when we had dates with another couple, and the other woman and I was having sex, and the men watched. That was less ‘awkward’ since I had this experience before, when I was involved with a married couple.
To be honest, where I’ve had quite a couple of experiences being watched while having sex, I think there will always be an element of asking myself whether what I am doing is ‘okay’. I can be quite insecure, and when I catch a glimpse of someone watching me and their expression has only a hint of ‘disapproval’ it can kill the entire experience for me. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I prefer to keep my eyes closed and just concentrate on what I am doing and what is being done to me. I don’t do things differently, but just surrender to the feeling of giving and receiving pleasure. Bottom line is, I don’t mind being watched. In fact, it can actually be damn sexy.
The other way around is different though… watching someone else, being the voyeur. I have written about voyeurism before, and even though that was back in 2013, some things have still not changed. It still makes me feel uncomfortable, like I am intruding on something private, even if I know the people having sex have no problem with me watching. I have a feeling this has something to do with my upbringing, which was very conservative. Sex was supposed to be between two people, is private and you are not supposed to talk about it. Where I am quite comfortable talking and writing about sex, and having sex while others watch, I still feel discomfort watching others.
- Is there a difference between intentional and accidental watching; for example, being invited to watch someone have sex versus accidentally viewing someone who was having sex outdoors?
- If you are into sex outdoors, what part does both intentional and accidental viewing play in that?
- And similarly, what do you think are the ethics around having sex outdoors with regard to potential accidental viewing?
Where I feel discomfort watching those who know I am there to watch, accidentally seeing someone having sex outdoors will totally embarrass me. Maybe not only embarrass me, but also anger me. I don’t just want to stumble across people having sex, and I would never want someone to just stumble across me having sex outdoors.
To me this boils down to consent. If I would have sex outdoors, people stumbling across me wouldn’t have given their consent to see me, and it also works the other way around. If I haven’t given consent to see someone having sex, I just don’t want to see it. There is a real difference between being invited to watch someone having sex opposed to accidentally seeing it.
Other than consent, it also has to do with my mindset. Have I been invited to watch someone have sex, my mind will already be there — thinking about sex. Just having a nice walk in the woods, or a park, my mind is busy wit totally different things, and it will be intrusive to see someone busy with such intimate activities.
Many years ago, I didn’t feel as strongly about the consent and mindset I have just described, as I do now. I had my share of outdoor sex moments, and never once thought that someone might accidentally see me and how it would make me feel. Maybe, had I walked ‘in’ on someone having sex when I was younger, I might have formed this opinion earlier. I guess wisdom comes with age, right?!
I am an exhibitionist, which means I like to show myself and be seen, but I prefer doing it in a way that makes both me and the one watching me feel comfortable.
Something else that came to mind while I wrote this, and re-reading the quote at the top, I wonder whether my discomfort with watching others have sex comes because of the passive/female role I have because that’s the society I grew up with and mostly still live in? A thought to ponder…
© Rebel’s Notes
Image from Pixabay