I have never thought of myself as a service sub, but recently I have come to the conclusion that there is service in submission, even if you don’t identify as a service sub.
Let me explain (or ramble)…
I do the majority of chores in the house, as Master T’s health has limited his movement, and some things just aggravates the problems he has in his leg. Since there is a gradual improvement in his leg now, this might change in the future, and he will do his share again. We had always had the tasks split, and when he had to sit more than stand/walk, it was just a natural thing for me to take his tasks over.
That said, he hasn’t completely stopped doing everything. He still does all the cooking – this gradually grew like this when we just started living together, long before we made our D/s commitment. I only cook when they ask for some of my signature dishes, and otherwise Master T does the cooking. The kitchen is more or less his domain. He’s frequently the one who starts doing the dishes and then either I or our daughter go to help him. Just like cleaning the house is my task, the laundry is mine too. On very rare occasions, when Master T is upstairs and either the washing machine or the dryer bleeps for attention (I always say those things call out my name), he will attend to the laundry, but other than that, it’s my task. However, I do get help with it from our daughter, just like last weekend when she was home (she’s normally with her boyfriend during weekends). I put the first laundry in the washing machine, went downstairs and normally after an hour and a half I have to go back up to transfer it to the dryer. However, our daughter took over and did all the laundry, which was absolute bliss. She also sometimes does other tasks for me, but bottom line is, the domestic tasks are mainly for me.
Does that then make me a service sub?
No, this still doesn’t make me identify as a service sub, because these tasks have never been included in our D/s agreement, and they probably never will.
That said, I think deep down giving service — I always call it ‘helping others’ — is very much part of my personality. I love people, and trust easily, and just as easily feel a ‘bond’ with people. This makes me want to go out of my way to help them, even though it’s not always possible. Whether it’s with a computer problem, with something on a blog, giving advice on a relationship (not that I am a professional at all; only that I’ve had my fair share of relationships), sharing experiences which can help others… you name it, and I am willing to help.
One of the reasons I set up the Smut Marathon was because I wanted to help people. You see, back when I participated in the original Smut Marathon, it helped me so much, and when it stopped I wanted to pay it forward. Thankfully I had been given permission to run it any way I want, and it still gives me great pleasure to know it helps people to not only improve their writing, but also showcase their work and point people to more of their work. The same with this blog. I started it because I wanted to get my own words out there, whether stories or experiences, and the first time someone thanked me for something I have written because it has helped them in some way, I knew what I do has value.
So yes, what I call ‘helping others’ might be more ‘giving service’ than I have realized before. Then I had a conversation with a friend, when I was feeling down about our D/s being so low. She said something, suggested something, and that stuck in my head.
My thinking is changing
One thing I mentioned to her is how I just wish that I didn’t have to do everything anymore. Yes, I know, ‘everything’ was a but exaggerated seeing what I have written above, but when you are low, the negative seems to be magnified. I was tired of always being the one doing the chores, of always being the one doing the writing, of being the only one who has to drive to work, of…
She suggested that I should try to see it differently. I should try to see it as a service I do for Master T. If we go somewhere, driving Master T there is a service to him. If I clean the house, make his tea, and even if I help him with the dishes, it’s a service to him. Everything I do that sometimes drives me to the point of irritation as I am the ‘only’ one doing it, I should see as a service to him. As I read her words, I was curious. I wondered if I could even begin to see it like that. I said I would try, that maybe it would work.
Not immediately, but gradually seeing the things I do as a service to him, brought back some of my submissive feelings. It didn’t mean the irritation never stuck out its ugly head, but it didn’t happen that much anymore, and when it did, I could quickly turn my thinking around. Seeing everything I do in the light of giving service to Master T, helped to keep the really low feelings away.
It even changed something else for me too. Every evening I move away from the computer — am currently editing two stories — roundabout 8pm and then watch series on Netflix with Master T, or we just have a nice conversation. There comes a moment somewhere between 9pm and 9.30pm that Master T says ‘one more cigarette, then we’re going to bed’. With all the thoughts I had about my submission in the past weeks/months, I have come to see this announcement that we are going to bed differently too. It’s his way of taking care of me. Of making sure I get rest. We don’t go to sleep right away, but I do get to relax some before I go to sleep. Sometimes we talk, but mostly we watch something together, holding hands. Or, when he’s watching something I am not particularly interested in, I listen to a book.
I still don’t think I am a service sub, but I am definitely a sub who loves to be of service to her owner, and it makes both of us happier people.
Note: After a recent chat about service, I have more to say about service.
Image from Pixabay