At the height of our D/s between 2011 and 2016, maybe half of our sessions ended in sex, and the other half ended with us both being satisfied, tired, and going to bed afterwards to sleep.
When we started our D/s it wasn’t done for us to have ‘better’ sex, because with sex at an average of two to three times a week, we had nothing to complain about. However, both of us ‘missed’ something. Now our sex bordered more on kinky than ‘vanilla’ sex, but we needed to have the structure of the D/s. He needed to take more control, and I needed to feel more control. D/s framed that for us, and of course with the D/s we explored more aspects of BDSM.
To us it was never about the sex, but it definitely enhanced our sex. There were those nights when the masochist in me got so excited by accepting the pain, that all I wanted was for him to fuck me. There were also the nights when the sadist in him enjoyed the pain he dished out so much, that he fucked me, whether I was in the mood or not, because that’s the way we both wanted it.
I know there is the common misconception that BDSM is always about the sex, but sex can happen without BDSM, so why can’t BDSM happen without sex? It’s wonderful when the two go together, but for me the BDSM part is about different desires than having an orgasm. It’s about my need to be controlled, about my need to be told what to do, about my need to be used for his pleasure. His pleasure is my pleasure. There’s a different kind of orgasm that.
The pain he dishes out is about releasing stress in my body and mind and it satisfies me on a whole different level than orgasms can. Those times when we had playdates with other couples was never about the sex, but about the play itself. About satisfying the sadists; satisfying the masochists. About rope. About being restrained and spanked and flogged and caned. About being used. Feeling the control. Yes, sex sometimes happened, but mostly between us women.
I believe that bondage and pain play can be done without any sexual component or the goal to have an orgasm. There might always be some form of lust involved, but not a sexual lust. If I look at us, then I know that him reaching out to pinch my nipple while his eyes force me to look deep into his, is a lust for affirming his role, and mine. Some will call it a lust for power, but that’s not the way I see it. A lust for power makes me think of business men who will step over dead bodies to get to their goal. I see that as a negative thing. I don’t see Master T’s lust to reaffirm his control over me as negative, just as I don’t see my lust to submit myself to his will as negative.
Our sex life is as good as gone, but I know the desire is still there too, simmering somewhere under the surface. Our D/s is currently still on the low level it has been for the past three years, but it’s still part of us. The one part that still remains, is Master T putting my night collar around my neck every night. However, in the past week or so, it has happened a couple of times that his hand disappeared into my nightie, found a nipple and pinched, all while our eyes stayed on each other.
There’s promise in that. A gently, fragile promise, but still a promise.
I’ll take it. Whether it’s only the sex, or only the D/s, or a combination of the two returning, I will take it.
© Rebel’s Notes
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