Sex should be a perfect balance of pain and pleasure. Without that symmetry, sex becomes a routine rather than an indulgence.~ Marquis de Sade
Back in January, I wrote about how I was craving pain, and somewhere deep in me, I still do. I crave so many things, but I think it all boils down to me missing our D/s and even though I am very patient and will be for as long as necessary, I have this craving to be hurt. To feel the pain he administers — his hand spanking me until my bottom is red; the flogger snapping across my bottom, leaving marks; the cane making me cry when it touches, but also cry when the pain is gone.
I remember those times when I walked into the bedroom and saw some implement on the bed, and him waiting for me with a smile on his face. The smile was still there when he pushed me forward over the bed, and I bet it was still there when he swung his arm and knew the pain would make me moan. He’s a sadist, and that brings my masochist heart much pleasure.
Maybe I should say he was a sadist, because he hasn’t reddened my bottom in a very long time, but I refuse to believe the sadist is gone. I know he likes to hurt me. It gives him pleasure to see me cry, to see me release the tears, the stress, everything… and just be.
Pleasure after pain
For me there had always been pleasure after pain. The first feeling of pleasure was the release of all negative feelings in me, relief of the stress and the pain. There were always tears when he used an implement on me, and those tears at first were because of the pain, but as he held me afterwards, would change into cleansing tears, bringing release from everyday stress and frustrations. So maybe when I say ‘I crave pain’, I also say ‘I crave pleasure’?
Another kind of pleasure I felt after pain was when I admired the marks he had left on me. I would trace them with my fingers, feeling the slight swelling, or poke them to feel the pain. Mostly I would also twist and turn in front of the mirror to get the best picture of the marks, and even years afterwards I can always remember where the marks came from, and how it made me feel.
Of course not all pleasures in our relationship comes from him giving me pain. I have written so many posts about our relationship — this year’s April A to Z was entirely dedicated to it. You would think that I will tire of telling people how good our relationship is, but really I don’t think I ever will. We find pleasures together in simple things:
- going through the MacDrive and eating burgers in the car, because there are no restaurants open due to the lock-down;
- binge-watching series on Netflix;
- going to bed and following our routine — him putting my night collar on and then pulling my ponytail before I kiss him goodnight;
- being silly together, whether this is sticking our tongues out to each other or repeating silly phrases;
- just looking in each other’s eyes and seeing our love for each other reflected there.
A Perfect Balance
Marquis de Sade said sex should be a perfect balance of pain and pleasure, otherwise it becomes a routine rather than an indulgence. Master T and I have very rarely had sex where there wasn’t some degree of pain involved, even if it was only him pushing four fingers inside to stretch me, or pinching a nipple to make me gasp. Our sex never was routine, not before D/s and certainly not after.
We need to find our perfect sexual balance again, that balance between pain and pleasure, and in the meantime we will just enjoy the everyday pleasures we share, however simple they might look to other people. They are our pleasures, and they keep us in balance too.