Lock-down Love and Life

I have already written about how the lock-down has ‘stolen’ the last bit of my libido and of course I have plans on how to get it back, but there’s also a lack of enthusiasm to actually act on those plans.

It’s not like I don’t want to act. I certainly want to. I think about it several times a day. In the morning, the afternoon, the evening, and certainly when we lie next to each other in bed. Some nights I am ready to just roll over to Master T and initiate sex and then I think… nah, tomorrow night I will do it. And with this I keep on postponing it.

The timing just never seems right. It just never feels right.

Work is home and home is work

We returned from Camden on 16 March, a day after the country ‘shut down’ and we were told to work from home. We ‘returned’ to work on the 19th, and returning to work meant getting up an hour later than I normally would, taking a shower, getting dressed, go downstairs to my desk, sit down and log into work. My creative desk, the desk where I write all my blogs, comment on the blogs of others, and organize the Smut Marathon… that desk turned into my work desk. My laptop, which has always been only for my creative side, now was also the place where I did my work.

The line between work and home life didn’t only grew thinner, it completely disappeared. Those first weeks were difficult. We had online meetings, and suddenly my colleagues were here inside my home, a place where I have never welcomed them before, and am not planning to ever welcome them in their physical form. I prefer to keep my work and private lives apart, no matter how well I can find it with some colleagues.

I didn’t recognize how much of an working from home was having on me, until four weeks in I broke down and had a good cry. I was so tired after making days of far too many hours, and not being able to shut down, to get away from work. That’s when I realized I had to have clear hours to start, and clear hours to stop and that I should allow myself more frequent breaks instead of sitting at my desk for hours on end and work, work, work.

It got a bit better after that, but I won’t mind returning to the office and having a clear divide again between home and work life. That, however, is not something that is going to happen anytime soon.

Being together 24/7

Master T and I have been together 24/7 since 10 March 2020, the afternoon I returned home from work, and we were ready to leave for Camden two days later. The longest we have been apart was the three hours I was gone somewhere in late April, to visit our son. Other than that, we have been together all the time, getting up at the same time in the morning, working together all day or being together in the same room, and going to bed together in the evening.

And you know what?

I love it. We love it. We have always loved spending time together, from the very beginning of our relationship, always felt content even if we only sit in silence. Being ‘forced’ to spend time together hasn’t had any negative impact whatsoever on our relationship (except if I count my final loss of libido, of course). No, if anything, it might even have strengthened our bond, as Master T was a rock in supporting me through some difficult things that caused me to have daily panic attacks, nights of no sleep, and many tears (one day I will write about this, when I’m ready). If in these difficult times I had been in the office during the day, the damage done might have been much worse.

Changed, yet the same

When I sit here at my desk and look out the window, I see the trees and the brush outside, the street, the building on the other side and part of the sky. Everything looks the same as it always had. At the same time, every thing’s different.

The streets are quieter, and when we go to the shopping center on Saturdays, it’s so much quieter than it was before. People keep their distance, and when some come to close, I feel panic. Shops are not crowded anymore, some allowing only five people in the store at any given time. Shop attendants stand behind huge plastic sheet, and paying with money is not accepted anymore. Still, we can go to the store and buy the same things we did before. It’s still the same, yet it’s different.

I can still go to the hairdresser for a haircut, or the beautician for a Brazilian, but on arriving I will be questioned about my health. Have I had a fever in the past 24 hours? Have I coughed or had a cold in the past 24 hours? Does anyone I live with have a fever, or coughed in the past 24 hours? Can I answer no to all the questions, I am asked to wash my hands, and then allowed inside for the treatment I have booked. My visits there still are pleasant ones, but at the same time, they’re different.

Work still happens, just not in the office anymore. Yes, I am allowed to go to the office, and have been told that plastic screens have been placed between the desks. No, I won’t go to the office, not until they can guarantee the 1.5m distance we are supposed to keep from each other. In the past no one minded when you went to the office with a cold (in fact, they preferred you were present), now you’re asked to stay home.

Life has changed around us. It’s still the same, yet it’s not the same. The virus has affected all of us, even if you weren’t infected by it. It has changed life as we knew it, probably forever. And still, when I sit here at my desk and look out the window, I see the trees and the brush outside, the street, the building on the other side and part of the sky, and everything still looks the same.

© Rebel’s Notes
Image from Pixabay

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9 thoughts on “Lock-down Love and Life

  1. Hey…maybe we can all go looking together! Like an Easter egg hunt! I can’t imagine where mine has gotten to…the bottom of the sock drawer, under the drier, in the garden? It is amazing to think how much this has changed our lives and how much time it will take us to get back to normal (if we ever do). So much is going on in the world to make us feel unsafe, that I’m not sure things will ever be normal again. I’m glad to live in a small town, away from the riots and the biggest virus outbreaks. We’ve only had a few cases out here, and, for the most part, things are starting to slowly get back to normal. Of course, my work is anything but normal, and will likely not be in the fall, either. And like you, Marie, it took a bit of a break down to start setting boundaries to make this work.

    1. So much has indeed change, and I wonder what life will look like after this. I don’t think we will get back to what we have known as ‘normal’, but that there will be a new ‘normal’ for everyone. Whatever that normal looks like, we will have to keep on setting our boundaries to make it work for us.

  2. I often think of that, how everything looks exactly the same and nothing has changed but life has changed so much. I thought of this far before the pandemic though, as it’s such a prominent thing when I’m depressed. I hope things will progress for you and that it will be safe for you to return to work at some point. It’s so hard to separate work from home when both of it happens at home

    1. It’s something I have thought of a lot since my mom passed away, that life is the same and yet it isn’t. Close to her birthday (4 June) these thoughts seem to be more prominent, how I look around me and everything seems the same (I can see the flat where she lived from our front window) and yet everything is different. It brings me to tears every time. But life is like that… constantly changing.
      As for returning to the office, I have a feeling somewhere in June this is going to happen…

  3. They’re asking us to keep two metres from each other. It isn’t always easy to do. I feel for you having lost your libido. I keep thinking I’d like to come and look for it with you. Is it under the bed? Perhaps it fell down the stairs and is on a corner in the basement. Maybe it’s outside on the swing! I’m here to help!

    1. Haha that made me smile. I can only imagine the fun we will have while looking for my libido 😉

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