There, I have said it.
My libido is gone.
I have written about my libido before, and how it seems the less sex I have, the less sex I want to have sex. I do believe, and I will never stop believing that it will come back one day. But, for now, I have to be honest, least of all to myself, that it’s gone. Up to before we went into lock-down, I still masturbated on average once a week, but that has totally dried up too. I have no desire for anything sexual.
Why is it gone?
I have been asking myself this. Why has my libido died? Why am I not thinking of sex anymore? Not solo sex, and not with Master T either?
I think one of the main reasons for it being gone is because our sex life has been close to non-existent for the past three years, due to Master T’s health. The longer the time between us having sex, the more my own desire has dwindled. I can roughly see three phases over the past three years. When he first stopped fucking me on a regular basis, I masturbated a lot. The need was always there, and to relieve it, I masturbated. Sometimes in bed just before he joined me, sometimes in the morning after my shower, and once or twice even in the middle of the night, when I woke up horny.
The second phase was first me not masturbating every week anymore, but every other week. Every other week became every third week, then once a month. Where in the first phase I tried to draw my orgasms out as long as possible, in this second phase my masturbation sessions were purely functional. All I wanted was to get off, so the need for an orgasm was gone.
The last phase is where I am now: no desire, and almost never thinking of sex anymore. Almost.
You see, I have always thought of myself and said that I am a sexual creature, and I still believe that is true, which is why there are still some thoughts of sex, but just not as frequently. In the past week, maybe two, I have been thinking about sex a bit more. No, I am still not masturbating, and still have no desire to do so, but thoughts about sex have returned.
One of the things I have tried to work out is why my libido has gone. I think I have more or less answered that question back in October, when I wrote the first post I have linked above. Where I ended the post saying some of the sex has returned after that, sadly it was only a short revival. I think with no sex going on my libido has naturally declined up to where it is now: gone. I also think that the lock-down has been the final nail in the coffin, as we tried to get used to this new, strange rhythm of our life.
What can I do to get it back?
Short and simple answer? Have sex again.
I truly believe that once we have sex again, my libido will return. I don’t think it’s entirely gone, just very dormant at this moment. It’s more or less like a natural ‘defense mechanism’, making your body not crave anymore for things it can’t have. The way back is to teach my body to have desires again.
I can do this by starting to masturbate again, maybe setting a day aside once a week for a masturbation session, and to see whether that ignites some of my libido again. But, writing that, I already know that’s not going to work. What I really want is to feel desired again. I want Master T to want me again. I want him to touch me, to run his hands over my body, over my curves, and finally dip between my legs and bring me to orgasm over and over again, like only he can.
That’s easier said than done.
Or is it?
Recently, something that Submissy wrote in her post, Acts of Service, nestled in my mind: “I know that HL likes to feel wanted and desired, so me being proactive in offering my service there is usually well received.”
I read those words over and over again, while one question formed in my mind and didn’t leave again: What if that’s what Master T is missing, feeling wanted and desired? What if that is what he has missed in all these year? Me showing him I want him?
These questions and many more kept on going round in my head. I have always said I am not someone who can take the initiative for sex, which means I always left it to Master T. I expect him to show me he wants me, but I only show him I want him after he has taken the first step. What if that is the way back? For me to set the first step?
And you know what? I think this might just be the way back. I need to overcome my ‘fear’ of making the first move. Fear of what? Rejection, I think. But, if I can ‘rewire’ my brain to see the ‘rejection’ as him taking on the dominant role, deciding that sex at that moment is not the way to go, maybe it will not feel like ‘rejection’ anymore?
I don’t know if this writing makes any sense, but in my head it does make sense. Bottom line is, I need to take action. If I want my libido, and that of Master T, to return, even if only at half-strength, something needs to be done to get us out of this impasse.
So, while my libido might be gone at this moment, the desire to get it back is not. Maybe that means my libido is not entirely gone after all?
© Rebel’s Notes
Image from Pixabay