My Libido Is Gone

There, I have said it.

My libido is gone.

I have written about my libido before, and how it seems the less sex I have, the less sex I want to have sex. I do believe, and I will never stop believing that it will come back one day. But, for now, I have to be honest, least of all to myself, that it’s gone. Up to before we went into lock-down, I still masturbated on average once a week, but that has totally dried up too. I have no desire for anything sexual.

Why is it gone?

I have been asking myself this. Why has my libido died? Why am I not thinking of sex anymore? Not solo sex, and not with Master T either?

I think one of the main reasons for it being gone is because our sex life has been close to non-existent for the past three years, due to Master T’s health. The longer the time between us having sex, the more my own desire has dwindled. I can roughly see three phases over the past three years. When he first stopped fucking me on a regular basis, I masturbated a lot. The need was always there, and to relieve it, I masturbated. Sometimes in bed just before he joined me, sometimes in the morning after my shower, and once or twice even in the middle of the night, when I woke up horny.

The second phase was first me not masturbating every week anymore, but every other week. Every other week became every third week, then once a month. Where in the first phase I tried to draw my orgasms out as long as possible, in this second phase my masturbation sessions were purely functional. All I wanted was to get off, so the need for an orgasm was gone.

The last phase is where I am now: no desire, and almost never thinking of sex anymore. Almost.

You see, I have always thought of myself and said that I am a sexual creature, and I still believe that is true, which is why there are still some thoughts of sex, but just not as frequently. In the past week, maybe two, I have been thinking about sex a bit more. No, I am still not masturbating, and still have no desire to do so, but thoughts about sex have returned.

One of the things I have tried to work out is why my libido has gone. I think I have more or less answered that question back in October, when I wrote the first post I have linked above. Where I ended the post saying some of the sex has returned after that, sadly it was only a short revival. I think with no sex going on my libido has naturally declined up to where it is now: gone. I also think that the lock-down has been the final nail in the coffin, as we tried to get used to this new, strange rhythm of our life.

What can I do to get it back?

Short and simple answer? Have sex again.

I truly believe that once we have sex again, my libido will return. I don’t think it’s entirely gone, just very dormant at this moment. It’s more or less like a natural ‘defense mechanism’, making your body not crave anymore for things it can’t have. The way back is to teach my body to have desires again.

I can do this by starting to masturbate again, maybe setting a day aside once a week for a masturbation session, and to see whether that ignites some of my libido again. But, writing that, I already know that’s not going to work. What I really want is to feel desired again. I want Master T to want me again. I want him to touch me, to run his hands over my body, over my curves, and finally dip between my legs and bring me to orgasm over and over again, like only he can.

That’s easier said than done.

Or is it?

Recently, something that Submissy wrote in her post, Acts of Service, nestled in my mind: “I know that HL likes to feel wanted and desired, so me being proactive in offering my service there is usually well received.”

I read those words over and over again, while one question formed in my mind and didn’t leave again: What if that’s what Master T is missing, feeling wanted and desired? What if that is what he has missed in all these year? Me showing him I want him?

These questions and many more kept on going round in my head. I have always said I am not someone who can take the initiative for sex, which means I always left it to Master T. I expect him to show me he wants me, but I only show him I want him after he has taken the first step. What if that is the way back? For me to set the first step?

And you know what? I think this might just be the way back. I need to overcome my ‘fear’ of making the first move. Fear of what? Rejection, I think. But, if I can ‘rewire’ my brain to see the ‘rejection’ as him taking on the dominant role, deciding that sex at that moment is not the way to go, maybe it will not feel like ‘rejection’ anymore?

I don’t know if this writing makes any sense, but in my head it does make sense. Bottom line is, I need to take action. If I want my libido, and that of Master T, to return, even if only at half-strength, something needs to be done to get us out of this impasse.

So, while my libido might be gone at this moment, the desire to get it back is not. Maybe that means my libido is not entirely gone after all?

© Rebel’s Notes
Image from Pixabay

Food for Thought                     Sexual Health

40 thoughts on “My Libido Is Gone

  1. I think that stress plays a huge part for you and it is not surprising with all that you are juggling that it has left you feeling disconnected with yourself. I do understand the fear in putting yourself out there. When I said that about HL it is a case of reading him well enough to know what will work. It might just be I send a sexy photo or a message, I might be more touchy and ask him for a hug, telling him that I need him, or I might ask for permission to touch or suck him or something like that. I have to remain in a submissive headspace or it won’t work out for me but I think you are right that it is about perception. I also think taking time for you is important. If you don’t feel ok with you then you won’t want to feel sexual with him. Feeling desire is also about feeling desirable and although for me that depends on HL, there are things that I can do too. Not sure if this helps but hopefully being more intimate with yourself and each other will lead to more and not less. Missy x

  2. I have a very similar problem. My husband doesn’t have the disability that yours does, but that “Acts of Service” thing is huge and he REALLY needs to feel wanted and desired (or he becomes pretty depressed…and HIS libido dives, too). When I don’t do things to show him I want him and desire him, he stops doing things, too (over time). That leads to less sex, which is fine with me…at first. Less sex leads to a disappearance of MY libido. And before we know it, we aren’t having sex, we don’t want to, and he’s a mental wreck. That’s where we are now. And in order to get back, it takes ME showing that I want him and desire him. Yes, it takes two to make a relationship work, but this is one of those times when I have to step up and fulfill a need for him. I know he always wants and desires me, but he’s started pulling back from even that because we have just not had a great sex life for months. So, I am right where you are, Marie. And it seems weird that I should be uncomfortable making the first move, as a wife of 14 years. But, I’ve never been a move-maker, so it’s tough. I gotta do it though. I’ll be writing more about this…you’ve got me thinking.

    1. I’m right there with you, after being together for so long (we will be married 15 years in November), why is it still so difficult to make the first move? I really need to find a way where I feel more comfortable to do so, and sometimes I think if I just start doing it, it will get easier. But the ‘start doing it’ is so darn difficult. I look forward to reading more of your thoughts on this.

  3. I must admit I can relate to this; my wife was prematurely thrust into menopause following chemotherapy – for a year it didn’t matter as she was recovering from the energy sapping experience and regaining her confidence after loosing her hair. What they don’t tell you is that the libido disappears and premature menopause is a bitch. There are things I miss and things I will never be able to do again but she’s alive.

    Time, patience, confidence and boundary setting (some things that were OK before are still a complete no-no) have meant that things have changed for the better. The only piece of advice I can give is have patience and you will find a way together.

    1. Thank you for your advice, it’s really appreciated. Patience it is 🙂

  4. Oh dear! I hope it isn’t worrying you too much Marie. The body and mind of us women is strange I find. Is libido mostly chemical or psychological? I’m not sure. I know that for 50 odd years I was shut down completely… completely, and it was initially in the mind. Now the mind is open….completely, but sometimes the body just struggles. Even Rex has days when he is distracted and if I am in the mood, then I need to be proactive. As long as you are still feeling warm about Mr T and he is reciprocating, who cares!? Life is a wonderful gift, and sex is a big part, but not all of it. We have companionship too at our age (although you’re nowhere near MY age!)
    I’m sure it will return.

  5. This pandemic has gotten in the way of my sex life, wreaking havoc on my desires, my feeling and being needed, and I’m there with you. As life gets back to normal, I’m hoping to get my sex life, and my desire, back to normal.

    Cheers to getting it back ?

    1. I think as life settles down, and we return to a new normal, our desires will come back too. I think the pandemic and the lock-downs have more of an effect on us, even to those who think it didn’t affect them. Here’s to a our desires being reborn when lock-downs ease 😉 xox

    1. That erotic prayer might just be what I need. Keep on stroking Angus 😉

  6. Mine has practically gone too – I occasionally get a primal urge but it is fleeting. But like you I think I am a sexual person and also like you I have a desire to get it back, So all is not lost

    1. We will get it back, because those sexual creatures are still somewhere inside us 😉 xox

  7. Hi Marie, just a note to let you know I left a comment on your post yesterday but it seems to have disappeared.

    I recognize that you may be moderating comments, but if that’s not the case, you might want to check your spam. 🙂

    1. I am indeed moderating comments, and not getting to them every day 😉

  8. I am new to your blog, so please forgive the intrusion. I hope you find your libido again. Every time I look for mine, it’s usually smiling and waving at me in anticipation. I like your idea of making the first move, personally I find that VERY sexy. I hope it works out, sending you and your man erotic vibes.


    1. Hi Joseph and welcome to my blog, thank you for reading! I will just have to do a bit of work on finding my libido again…

  9. I have experienced the same as you in that if I don’t do anything sexual at all, I don’t have the need to do it either and my libido just dries up.

    Did you stop enjoying orgasming that often? Like did each one just feel less good? Is that how it became less? Since you ask yourself the question of why, maybe it’s silly of me to ask this haha.

    I agree with you though, I think once you get back in a more active sex life your libido will return too. It doesn’t just die out forever, you still have that sexual creature part of you but it’s just stored away for now.

    It’s very interesting what you say at the end of this post, in response to what Missy said. I think you might be onto something there. I guess it’s always a two way street right? And someone always has to take the first step, to overcome the fear to breach the gap.

    1. Orgasms became functional: I had a tingle, thought of an orgasm, grabbed a toy, got myself off in a few minutes and then carried on with what I was doing. So the orgasms were to satisfy a sudden need, but even the need is gone now. Missy’s post frequently help me to see things in a different way, and yes, it’s always a two-way street. I need to show him I still desire him, and get over this block I have inside me. I believe that sexual creature is still somewhere inside me.

  10. I think you are right in that if the desire is still there, then it’s not totally gone. I also think the lockdown and everything going on is casting a malaise over everyone right now.

    1. You are so right about the lockdown. I do think this was the last nail in my libido coffin…

  11. How is his health doing? Here to hoping he’s ready for some frisky time. Just add an added thought, sometimes hormones dropping kill your libido also.
    But you are totally right, the more sex you have the more you want. This is where sex and productivity are the same. You only want it when you have it, sand the more you have, the more you want!
    Great plan moving forward. Hope it works, and all is well!

    1. His health is actually improving, but he doesn’t yet seem to the point where it’s improved enough for him to be ready for being frisky. Still, I want to see if I can reignite that. Thank you for your comment 🙂

  12. I have a lot of thoughts stirring after reading what you’ve written here. I may come back to this later, but for now: two things stand out to me.

    One — I have the same “the more I have, the more I want” as well as “the less I get, the less I desire” libido response. Other women have written their experiences along similar lines. (Brigit Delaney comes to mind.) I think this is a very normal coping response.

    And, Two — Having once been in a relationship where I was ALWAYS the one who initiated sexual activity, I can say from personal experience that it was exhausting. His “I desire you” response was only present when I was the one who showed my desire first. It was as though he didn’t (or couldn’t?) desire me (or show desire for me) otherwise. It’s not fun — and definitely not fair — to be in that situation.

    1. I totally hear what you are saying, Feve. Like you say, it’s not fair, and all of this definitely hasn’t been fair to Master T. I am always late to the party, late to realize some things. Now only to get pass this stupid block I have in me, where I don’t feel worthy to ask something for myself. Because that’s what it comes down to for me when I initiate sex: I am asking something for myself, even if it’s only when I ask whether I might suck his cock. I really have to find a way to break through that…

  13. I definitely think it’s true that the less sex you have the less you need – even when I do want sex, I’m so used to it not being a regular part of my life that masturbation is often enough for me. But it is undoubtedly complicated, especially when we choose to write about what we do. It’s why for me, it’s often useful to see my writing as just writing about sex, rather than necessarily erotic. I’m interested in sex always, but my body isn’t always in the same place. Anyway, I hope you find a way through that works for you – it certainly sounds like you have a plan x

    1. The plan is still in my head, and I need to find the courage to execute it. I have also started seeing my writing differently, and as it is, I nowadays write very little about sex, and more about other things 😉 xox

  14. Taking initiative sounds like a great plan. I’m not the best at it either, but I know my husband loves it when I do.
    I hope it’ll help to reignite your libido ☺️

    1. Thank you for your comment, Liz, and I hope it helps too! xox

  15. Sure hope to read in one of your oncoming blogs about the first steps and the return of both your libidos.

    1. I sure hope so too… I need to set some steps, but true to myself, I am having difficulty doing so. Am thinking of it every day… now only to act!

  16. I feel you. Less sex means less libido for me too. My wife has trouble initiating sex as well…and it kinda takes my desire away and it’s a downward spiral from there on. But trying to be more active is good idea. Sometimes I think it takes some effort to feel desire again even if effort and desire seem to contradict each other.

    1. It’s good to hear that it takes your desire away because your wife has trouble initiating sex. It’s strange to say it like this, but I mean it’s good for me to hear this, because it means I am on the right track that maybe part of our problem is indeed that I need to show Master T I still desire him, and one way to show him is by initiation sex. Thank you for your comment 🙂

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