In previous posts I have referred to how it is difficult for me to ask for what I want. I don’t know why this is. Maybe it goes back as far as my youth and the way I was raised — I am forever feeling guilty about everything, because of the way my father always preached to us and told us his punishing us was our fault, not his. Whenever I ask for something for myself… no, scratch that. Whenever I think of asking something for myself, I feel guilty.
Over the years I have learned that nothing will shock Master T. Things I thought might shock him, didn’t. Everything, and I mean everything can be discussed. This still doesn’t mean that it’s easier for me to ask for something, but it does mean that I don’t have to hide from him.
All I have to do is to truthfully tell him what is going on in my mind. To share my desires; my darkest thoughts. I have done so many times, mostly being prodded by him to just say it, and every time it was like I tasted a bit more of freedom than I felt before.
The truth is freeing. Being able to share with him what is in the darkest corners of my mind has been and still is really freeing. Knowing that much of what he has in the darkest corners of his mind matches my dark thoughts, has also been a revelation. I always thought my desires and fantasies were weird and shouldn’t be mentioned out loud, but it turned out being truthful about them, made me realize I am not the only one with darker thoughts. What instantly springs to mind is how it happened that a speculum was introduced to our play. That night we confessed some more things to each other.
There is just something about being able to tell the truth about how you feel, what you need, and what you want to do, without being afraid that the other might get angry with you.
The same happened when I wanted to travel on my own in 2019. At first I didn’t know how to tell Master T, and then I remembered: the truth. Always tell the truth about everything.
Now in the past I have posted about how I hate traveling, but as I wrote there I am not fond of traveling. Still, I like to go places, and to do so I have to travel. It turns out the ‘low-key’ travel I do for my day trips to London (something I was going to again a the end of this month, but with the lock-downs due to the corona virus, this is currently not possible) are quite enjoyable. There’s so little planning to be done for this kind of travel, which means my stress levels don’t hit the sky, and during the travel it doesn’t either. These days away, meeting up with friends, are very important to me, and Master T recognized that right away. Sometimes he would like to travel with me, but he knows with his physical health it will not be possible, and he loves giving me the opportunity to be by myself, to get some mental rest from always being in caring mode.
I don’t know when I will be able to do my London trips again, or even if there will be someone who would be willing to meet up with me, but even if there isn’t, I know I will enjoy a day in London on my own. I might even decide to just travel to other cities, explore some of the places I always wanted to see on my own. Time will tell.
Having said that, there are some places I still want to travel with Master T, such as New York and Las Vegas. I have been to both, and I just know Master T would love to see those places too. Also, I have this dream of renting a car, crossing by ferry and just drive around in Scotland, deciding on the post where to overnight, seeing the country at our own pace, in our own time. Maybe this trip is more realistic to make than the US trips, seeing Master T’s physical condition. And I know he really wants to go to Scotland. Who knows, maybe next year…
© Rebel’s Notes