I have been thinking.
Spring has sprung, and for the past weeks Master T has seen a definite improvement in his leg. Where previously after two days the ‘improvement’ disappeared, we are now heading into the fourth (if I count correctly) week where the improvement seems to be holding. This is good news. Very good news. I think after more than three years, we are due for some kind of improvement, right?
Of course, with this new positive turn in our lives, thoughts about our D/s have started surfacing again.
I don’t want to push the issue with Master T, don’t ever want to top from the bottom, but I do want to talk to him about how we can go forward. About how much he feels he’s up to. Maybe we can just get some of my rules in place again. Maybe he feels up to giving me a task or two. Maybe he can slowly get his head back in the game, and we can get to a new ‘normal’ where our D/s is concerned.
Our D/s has never been gone. Ever since Master T’s health deteriorated, there was one constant in our lives: my sleep collar. I once asked him why he still puts it around my neck when we go to sleep, and he said it was because he still believes in our D/s. That has always been the thing I have been holding on to: he still wants it as much as I do.
But, like I say, with the more positive state of his health, there might just be room for ‘improvements’ on our D/s too. The mindset has never been gone — not with me, and not with Master T either. Other things in life had only taken precedence.
So, how do we get back?
Communication is the first step to take. We need to know where we stand. The last time we spoke about our D/s is too long ago. We both know we still want it — and the occasional night Master T slaps my bottom (hard), confirms that to me too — but it might never be like it was before. We need to talk it through and be clear on what we both want, and find the middle ground for that.
One of the first things I would want ‘back’ is to feel his control again. In the past years I have taken control of many things, and did everything I want how I wanted it. I spent hours at my desk, working away on my blog, and frequently joked that my blog is my second job. There was no room for Master T to cut in, because I was too much in control of my time.
Someone (you know who you are) said to me ‘it must have been hard for him to dom you’.
That remark sparked some much needed thoughts in my mind. Not immediately, but the more I repeated those words, the more I realized that they were true. I am so grateful it has been said. I needed to hear it.
You see, I needed to take control. Losing Master T’s control at first terrified me, which made me lash out to him and made me feel incredibly sad for ‘losing’ my D/s. I was adrift on a rough ocean, trying to get to calmer waters. Once I did, I understood that he was incapable of controlling me, so I took over the reigns. I took control. It was needed in the circumstances. However, I had such a tight grip on the reigns that there was no way for Master T to take them back. I didn’t even recognize that he might want to take it back.
With this new season — spring and Master T’s improving health — I feel like the time is right to let go of those reigns. Not all at once, because I can’t go back to that place where I feel adrift, but I need to let go of some, and hand them back to Master T. It’s time. It’s good.
First step… as always… communication.
We need to discuss where we want to go, how much we want, and how we are going to achieve it. Our D/s is still intact, but will be decisively different from what it was before.
What it will look like?
Well that is what those talks will have to determine.
It’s time. I am open to change, open to what Master T wants. I want to feel his control again, want to feel my submission again, and not only in those moments he puts the sleep collar around my neck.
New possibilities are on the horizon.
Spring has sprung…
© Rebel’s Notes