Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. Just don’t look into my eyes.
~ Life quote
Mom passed away in July 2017 and since we only had to transfer the keys to the rent company at the end of August 2017, we used the opportunity to take some pictures in the empty flat. Shocking, yes, although I know mom would’ve smiled had I been able to tell her what we have done. Over the months following mom’s passing, I shared several images that had been taken on the two days we used the empty shell of her home as a photo studio. Why did I do it? I was grieving for my mom, and still I wanted sexy images? I think it’s because when something traumatizing happens in life, we desperately cling to ‘normalcy’, and to me, taking pictures was a ‘normal’ thing to do, and taking those pictures in her house, in a weird way made me feel close to her.
That said, in January 2018 I shared another image from the second series we had taken. By then I was in a downward spiral and in the months following I had frequently thought about ending my life. When people asked me how I was, I smiled and assured them: “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.” Saying that, I never looked them in they eye, because I didn’t want them to see my eyes. I was far from okay, but I didn’t want the world to know how dark my thoughts were.
A psychologist helped me to work through those deep dark feelings, but sadly the trauma of my mom’s illness and her passing (all within the aspect of five and a half months) has left me with fragile mental health. It seems to come in waves, where sometimes I am riding on top of the wave, and then I sink deep and hard and fight against drowning in the wave crashing over me. My resilience is not what it once has been. Every bit of tribulation can throw me back under the wave, making me gasp and fight for air, pushing me back towards a depression.
And still I smile.
And hide my eyes.
I have come so far since I posted Hiding Eyes… and I am still so broken since I posted it.
Back then I posted the image as a black and white. My world was all black and white back then. A bit of color has returned, because how negative the above sound, I do try to see the beauty of life. I don’t always succeed, and yes, the tears are always close, but I do have a bit more color in my life than I had back then. I don’t have suicidal thoughts anymore, and that at least is something.
So today, as the last Throwback Thursday of this year’s February Photofest, I share a color version of the image above.
© Rebel’s Notes