Codepencency… excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction.
Interdependence… the dependence of two or more people or things on each other.
I have written about it before: Master T’s physical health and the fact that his disability is gradually increasing. Because of what started happening three and a half years ago, our life has changed entirely. He can only drive very short pieces, and not every day, he can’t move around outside the house without his walking stick anymore, and he is almost constantly in pain, and consequently always tired too. He has been under the care of a dermatologist for just more than two years now, trying to get the psoriasis on the tip of the stump and the infections on the side under control.
How has it changed our life?
Because Master T is less mobile than he was before, he can’t do his full share in house anymore. The only things he still do is to cook a couple of times per week, and do the dishes. Other than that, all the house work rests on my shoulders, and only occasionally our daughter will help, IF I ask. She doesn’t see that things have to happen and I am not always in the mood to ask.
I do all the driving. Whenever we make an appointment to go out to lunch or dinner, I walk the streets of Google Earth to make sure that there are as little obstacles as possible for Master T and that I can drop him off close to the venue. There were times when I asked the people we were going to meet if we could change the venue, because it’s too challenging for Master T.
Every week we go to the store for our groceries. Master T insists to keep on doing this, and I think it keeps some kind of normalcy in his life. In the past, on a Saturday morning, he walked to the store to do the groceries, and I stayed home to clean. Now I always go with him, drop him in front of the store, park the car and find him inside. When he doesn’t walk behind the grocery cart, I am constantly watching out that people don’t walk in front of his feet, as he might fall.
Because the dermatologist started Master T on immune suppressants, he started suffering from some strange side effects. One of those was that his libido disappeared, and that halfway through any kind of lunch or dinner with others, he was totally absent. Not to speak of the strange cough he developed, and his appetite almost disappearing. Because of all the side effects, Master T told the dermatologist he wanted to stop with the tablets, and we are now in the process of waiting to see if the side effects disappear and what the dermatologist wants to give him next.
How dependent is he on me?
Master T might not see it the same way as I do, but he is more dependent on me than he realizes. There are some things he now leaves to me, like when we get back from grocery shopping, he gets out of the car and starts walking to the door, leaving it to me to bring the groceries in. He leaves the chores in the house to me, and only when I am not home will he get laundry from the dryer or put new laundry in the washing machine. But going up and down the stairs several times during the day, only means he is in more pain in the evening. Which is why he mostly leaves it to me to do everything.
Obviously he also leaves it to me to drive, and mostly I am also the one who has to decide where we go to. Sometimes I just say that I don’t know and I more or less ‘force’ him to name a place. This is when we go out for photos or maybe a lunch. There are many small things I can name, which are different than it was in the past and it all comes down to the situation forcing me into a role where I have to make more decisions than I ever made in the past. I feel the weight of responsibility resting on my shoulders, not only to do the things I need to do, but also to offer mental and physical support for Master T.
How dependent am I on him?
I might be more dependent on him that it looks to the outside world. I want him to be content and when he is, it makes me happy. I need him to show me that he loves me, whether it’s a hug in passing, a slap on my bottom, or putting my night collar around my neck before we go to sleep. It’s the little things that keep me going.
There are other things I totally leave to him. One thing that horrifies some of the ladies at my work is that I leave the finances entirely to Master T. Seriously, I don’t even know what my net salary is per month (this sounds incredibly arrogant, I know), and I trust him to handle our money in a responsible manner. He buys and sells shares, but he also puts money in our savings account ‘for later’, and whenever I show an interest in the finances, he gives me an honest answer. I depend on him to keep our finances in order, and I know he does.
I also depend on him to keep me grounded. He is the one that puts things in perspective when my mind threatens to derail, and he is the one always making me feel better about myself. He supports me in all my endeavors, and without him, things will feel rather empty. Oh and, he is also the one who encouraged me to take the trips to London, knowing how much I needed to get away from always being in ‘caring mode’.
No one knows what the future will hold, but one thing that is a certainty is that Master T will eventually end up in a wheelchair. We — and mostly he — hopes to postpone that for many years, but we know the day will come. I have always said that I will not mind to walk behind his wheelchair, as long as I can still be with him.
I am deeply hoping that him stopping with the immune suppressants will bring his libido back. I honesty miss sex, and not just sex with anyone, but sex with him. It’s been too long. I also hope our D/s improves, even if it never gets back to the same level it was before. For now it’s okay that he puts my night collar around my neck every night, but I would definitely not mind the occasional pain session, whether it’s him using the cane on me, or pinching my nipples until I orgasm.
I think I can safely say that I will never trust another man (or another human being for that matter) as much as I do Master T. He is the one who knows me inside out, who knows what makes me tick, who knows what I need, and he knows just how to make me happy. I don’t believe a love like this comes twice in a lifetime, which is why I am holding on with both hands to what I have.
I am looking into different ways to do our D/s, a different perspective in order to feed my submission, and probably also Master T’s dominance, and once I have wrapped my head around it, I will discuss it with Master T.
Up to then, we take it day by day. I depend on him, he depends on me, we depend on each other. We know our love is strong, and we know our love will pull us through difficult times every time.
(Note added on 25.02.2020: I wrote this two weeks ago, and in the meantime there has been a change in the medication, which also makes some aspects that were very difficult, a bit easier. More to follow on this.)
© Rebel’s Notes