During the evening of New Year’s Eve 2019 as I wrote my post for the first day of the new year, the main goal of the post was to highlight my top 10 wordy posts, and the top 10 images of 2019. As I wrote the last part, linking to the post of the previous day, Endings & Beginnings, a thought suddenly struck me.
It’s because of the thought that I set myself a motto for 2020: Carpe Diem!
Now I have never ever had a motto before, not even for one day, let alone for an entire year! I have never focused everything I do in my life around one thing, one ‘belief’.
So why now?
Ever since those two words, and everything it means in our circumstances, popped into my head, I have been thinking about it. Where does it come from? Why now?
The past three years have not been easy, and to be really honest, I think things are not going to get easier. After three years of Master T’s physical mobility being less, and him constantly in pain, I don’t think things are going to suddenly get better and back to where we were in 2016. In fact, I think the time has come to accept that this is what it is, and the one thing I do hope is that, even if his mobility issues stay, he will have much less pain this year than he had in the past three. I think we have come to a point where managing what we have is better than constantly focusing on hoping that it gets better. The more we focus on it getting better, the more we live for the future, instead for the present, and the less we live for the present, the more we forget about us.
I think that’s where the thought came from: I am tired after fighting the emotions for three years. And here I am also talking about the emotions after losing my mom. I am still in touch with those every day, and still frequently cry about her. In just more than 6 months it will be three years since she passed away. I will always miss her, but I have to accept that my life is now, and that I have to live it. I have a wonderful husband, beautiful kids and grandkids, and wonderful friends. I have my writing, my photography, my creativity. I need to focus on those, and when I do, it doesn’t mean I forget my mom, but only that I am living the life she gave me almost 53 years ago.
Why the thought of ‘carpe diem’ struck me when it did, might have everything to do with the last day of the year; the last day of a decade. We all reflect on the year past, and wonder what the new year will bring us. I think the time was right. Something in the universe decided I need something to focus on, a theme to anchor me.
What does this mean to me?
This question is another that kept me occupied for a day or two. I kept on coming back to what I have said on the first day of this year:
I want to live in the present, even when I plan for the future. I want to look back at my past, only to see how it can benefit me to make today better. Today is what is important, today is when we live, when we have to live, as we never know whether we will be granted a tomorrow.
No matter where this year takes us, and what difficult days we might have, I will be grateful for what I have, and not wallow in the things that seemingly never will return to our lives. Life is too short; we need to live for today!
Having the motto ‘carpe diem’ doesn’t mean things will not feel difficult at times, or there will be no tears. It does mean that I have something to hold on to, something to return to when things get too difficult, something to focus on, to use as a foundation for all the things I do. To me it means I will be more mindful of what I can and cannot do, and will allow me to focus on things I need to make my day the best I can.
When I concluded the end-of-year reflection in my Passion Planner 2019, the last things I jotted down as things to focus on in 2020 were:
- Rest: don’t over-plan.
- Accept: be grateful for what you have.
- Focus: keep an eye on your goals.
- Grow: dare to ask for what you want.
- Carpe diem!
Life is beautiful, even when death is as much part of it as living it, and sickness is as much part as the health we frequently take for granted. I never use the term mindfulness, as to me it means the stupid recordings with breathing exercises I once had to listen to, and which stressed me more than they helped (sorry to those who love mindfulness exercises; it’s just not my thing), but like Brigit Delaney pointed out in a comment on my post, mindfulness and carpe diem are very similar themes.
The first minutes of 2020
Master T and I were alone in the last hours of 2019, and the first day of 2020. Just after the clock struck twelve to start the new year, the new decade, we hugged and kissed and both said at the same time: let 2020 be a better one than 2020. In those moments, hugging and kissing and laughing and being silly (oh how silly we can be!), I felt the intense love I have for this man, and it was his tweet at midnight, that said so much, that melted my heart.
— Master T. (@TheGrandMasterT) December 31, 2019
In 2020 I am going to live the life I love, and love the life I live.
© Rebel’s Notes