Intimacy doesn’t mean sex

When I saw the prompt for Food for Thought, my first thought was that I have already written a post about intimacy. I searched my blog and felt a bit frustrated as I couldn’t find the post, only to discover I never wrote it, but used the words ‘Intimacy doesn’t mean sex’ in a recent post. Apparently I have only written the post about intimacy in my head, never on the blog. This is a good thing, as in the past days I have had some more thoughts about intimacy.

Different kinds of intimacy

In the past days I have thought a lot about intimacy outside of loving relationships. Some of those thoughts stem from a difficult time at work (there will be a post on this and how it affected my mental health) and from the contact we have with other people every day.

Take this morning. I had an appointment at the chiropractor — a beautiful (inside and out) man, who just happens to hail from South Africa too, which means from the first appointment we had a click. I even told him about my blog AND gave him the link! This morning he concentrated on my left hip, as because of my lower back problems, I wake up in the night with a burning pain in my hip. Normally he treats me and I keep all my clothes on, but this morning he pushed my shirt up, pulled my pants down halfway over my buttocks, pulled my from my knickers and pushed it up too, until he could reach my naked skin. I had no idea what he was going to do, until he put something cold on my skin and started massaging and pushing and really hurting me. It lasted several minutes before he more or less put my clothes in place again. Now isn’t that a form of intimacy?

What about my beautician? Every four weeks I go to her for a Brazilian wax and while I lie there with my legs spread, she takes extra care for my piercings not to get trapped in the wax (this happened once and was quite painful when she pulled the wax off). When she does this, her face is close to my crotch and she carefully pushes the piercings aside with her finger tips and then holds her one hand there, while she applies wax with the other hand. Now isn’t that a form of intimacy?

The same with my hairdresser, as she runs her hand through my hair, or carefully and oh so wonderfully massages the shampoo into my scalp, giving special attention to the pressure points on the side of my head, which makes me sigh with content and relax every time I am there. Now isn’t that a form of intimacy?

Now I know very well that we don’t think of that as intimate moments. They are all professionals, and when you lie there as a client or patient, not for one moment do you think of how ‘intimate’ the moment is. Okay, most of the time, because I admit, in all three the situations above, I had my moments where I thought how intimate it is.

Just like the dictionary says, those were situations of close familiarity or friendship as well as a cosy and private or relaxed atmosphere. They were not the intimacy we connect to sexual intercourse but they were intimate in a different sense of the word.

Which brings me to colleagues: if you work in a close team and you tell some or all of those team members snippets from your life, you do have an intimate relationship with them. Which is why it hurts so much when you are betrayed by one of them (yes, the post will follow).

Intimacy with Master T

Even though Master T and I maybe had sex only about ten times in 2019, we had numerous intimate moments. We are very close, and someone recently remarked that we really are each others best friends. We are. We have a connection that can’t be explained in only one word. It’s not only love. It’s not only friendship. It’s not only soulmates. It’s not only husband and wife. It’s not only Dom and sub. It’s all of this and so much more. He knows my mental health is taking a dive days before I notice, and I see the pain on his face even when he smiles and jokes. We know each other so incredibly well, and because of what we have, it doesn’t matter that the intimacy of sexual intercourse is so few and far between.

We kiss and hug many times throughout the day, we laugh, we talk, we are quiet together, we watch movies and series together, we prefer to always be in the same room (hence the reason I have a desk in the middle of the living room) and we have our wonderful silly moments together, where we look at each other and say: “We are still in our teens!” and of course that makes us laugh and be silly all over again. (I am actually sitting here with a smile on my face typing that!)

In the past weeks something new has started to happen. On days, like this morning, when we both have a bit of a lie in, and we are both already more or less awake but not in the mood to get up just yet, we hold hands. Either we both lie on our backs, or we lie facing each other, and somehow our hands will touch each other, and holding hands, we drift in and out of sleep.

We have many intimate moments, and if it wasn’t for that, I would have been gravely unhappy with our life, but I’m not, because we are exactly where we want to be: intimately together!

© Rebel’s Notes

Food for Thought Friday

10 thoughts on “Intimacy doesn’t mean sex

  1. There are times I put in just as much effort for grooming to see my massage therapist as I do a date. It can be it’s own level of intimacy even if they aren’t a “friend”. They see and touch our bodies in such an intimate way.

    It’s always sooo lovely to read about the love you and Master T have. Just beautiful

  2. You have made some great points here about intimacy and although I had not thought of it like this, I agree that there are lots of different types of intimacy. I love what you said about being intimately together. It is so much more than just sexual ?

  3. Excellent Post Marie and those times with the hairdresser and the chiropractor are very intimate. I hadn’t considered that before. TY for getting me to think out the “intimate” box xx

  4. I like laying in bed just holding hands, it’s like being a couple of sea otters that hold on to each other. You’re right that it is all about the connection, sex is a good driver for that too though. ?

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