Pain… it’s something I fear, and at the same time, something I miss. Not the emotional kind of pain, as that I have more than I can sometimes handle, but the physical pain. The sharp sting of a dragon tail whip, the deep impact of the RVS cane, the twisting of a nipple, the slapping of my cunt. That’s the kind of pain I miss, the kind of pain I sometimes crave to such an extent that it’s a physical ache deep in my core. I crave the physical pain inflicted on me, because it frees my mind. It relieves my emotional pain.
I crave the pain, but nowadays I also fear it…
A couple of days ago I read a post by Little Switch Bitch in which she said:
I do wonder if I would still be able to take the bashing I once was? I do think if you leave long periods of time between impact play, the body starts to heal over that barrier you had once built up. I feel I need to rebuild that barrier back up again slowly and let my skin get thicker so I can I am able to take the pain I once was.
I totally agree with this.
Back when Master T and I started with impact play, he was very patient and slowly built the pain, day after day. We noticed how my body (and mind) seemed to get used to the level of pain, and he could take it up a notch. My bottom was like memory foam, remembering the pain of before, and able to take it again, and a bit more. And every time I took a bit more, my body remembered that I was able to do so. Of course, I had my limit, and we came to a point where we knew how much I could take, but I had to be in the right mindset. If I was down, or tired, I could take less than when I was happy and rested. That said, there were times when I was down, that Master T pushed on despite my moaning, and because of that he relieved me of the emotional pain I felt.
Just like LSB said, our bodies remember the pain, the impact, but if you haven’t had it for quite some time, your body heals and can’t take the same it could in the past. This is why, in the odd moments in the past three years that Master T was up to some fun, I cautioned him to be careful, because not only my body, but also my mind had ‘healed’ and ‘forgotten’ the pain I could once take. I didn’t forget the pain, but I had forgotten how to handle it. My mind just couldn’t get to a place where it said: ‘okay, I can do this’, but kept on hanging in the place where it cautioned me to be careful, which was the message I constantly conveyed to Master T.
Some part of me believes to get to the point to take the same level of pain I was able to take back in 2016, we will need to start exactly where we started in 2011, when we started our D/s journey. Master T will have to be oh-so-patient with me, engage in some impact play every evening to get my body used to the pain again. But not only my body, also my mind. I do believe that being able to take the pain is not only a bodily thing, but very much something that happens in the mind too. The natural reaction of the body is to flee or fight when it feels pain, but when your mind is set to accept the pain, to want to feel it, you stay in position, and pain is processed and converted to pleasure. In BDSM pleasure and pain are closely connected to each other, for me that is.
Recently I did experience some pain again, when Master T pinched my nipples. He started out carefully, but soon we were back to a level where we were years ago. We were both surprised at how much I could actually take, and Master T even remarked on it the next day (always a sign he is content). Could this mean that even though the body and mind have healed and understood it will not be hurt again, the ‘muscle memory’ (or as I said above: ‘memory foam’) allows the body to accept the pain despite it being long since it has last experience it? This worked with nipple play, but not when Master T used the cane on me. On the other hand, he did mark me the one time he used it, and I remember craving more, so maybe the body stores the ‘pain memory’ and when it feels the pain again, it can almost instantly react to it.
I have written about processing pain before, but that was from a totally different angle than this, and I feel I still don’t know everything about just how my body or mind processes wanted pain. It seems there’s a whole psychology behind it!
© Rebel’s Notes