It’s twelve days before Christmas, and since a couple of days tears have been closer than smiles. I feel a bit down, and can’t put my finger on the why of it.
Strike that… couldn’t should be the word. Not can’t.
I don’t think this started on the day Master T went to the dermatologist, but that was the first day when the tears surfaced without warning. That was two days ago, exactly two weeks before Christmas. Now we don’t celebrate Christmas as such, but we do have plans. Our plans are to spend Christmas as quietly as possible. The biggest gift anyone can give us is to just let us be during the Christmas holidays, and this is the first year it didn’t happen with a hint of irritation from our oldest daughter, who is absolutely smitten with Christmas.
So, I should be happy, right? And I am. Seriously, I am. It’s not like I feel like this all the time. Mostly I feel strong, I get on with what needs to be done, such as work and chores and of course, caring for Master T. I just concentrate on that, and also make time for myself, and my own needs.
That’s why days like Christmas (and birthdays and other anniversaries) creep up on me. It always takes me a couple of days to realize why I’m feeling down, why the tears are so close. In times like these, I don’t even want to think about all I do, all I miss, all I wish was different, because the moment I think about that, the tears well up.
Christmas time seems to be worse. It’s the end of the year and we tend to take stock of the past year, and sometimes years. That’s something I can’t do. Someone suggested that I should make a list of all I had/have to deal with, but I just can’t. I don’t want to stop and think about it, because I am afraid that when I am already down, a list like that might break me. And when I am not feeling down, I don’t even think about a list. Then I just get on with everything. See, it’s like a wheel turning, over and over and over again.
Tears well up in my eyes just writing that.
I know I deal with a lot. I know why Christmas (and those other days) are so hard. I miss my mom. I miss our life as it was. I sometimes even miss my husband, and wish I could just take over a fraction of his pain.
There’s only one way to deal with this: cry. Just give in to the tears. Cry my heart out (where no one can see me) and then go to bed and start afresh in the morning. Sometimes I need to allow the tears a couple of days in a row, but eventually I surface again and I am back, fighting fit and stronger than before.
Tomorrow is Christmas Day.
My mood lightened again after a couple of days, but there were tears too. Tears because some people opened up fresh wounds; they reminded me of those things I push to the back of my mind. As I write this (two days before Christmas), my eyes hurt from drying the tears today, when at work things happened and I had to admit that most of the time I am not even aware of any emotions around me; that I have enough on my plate on don’t have the spoons to deal with the emotions between others. The tears came, and didn’t stop. Colleagues said I can always talk to them, but thing is, I can’t. They think it’s all only about Master T’s health. In a way they are right, because that is at the base of all this. I don’t want to talk to them about his health issues, because I am so tired of hearing over and over again that he should temporarily sit in a wheelchair, or use a rollator, or … (fill in solutions that we have thought of already but which just can’t happen now).
I know they mean well, I know everyone who has mentioned (temporary) solutions mean well, and I appreciate it, but the one thing people don’t always understand is that Master T is the ONLY one who can decide he is ready to use any of those solutions, because he KNOWS that it will NOT be temporary. Many people don’t understand this. But, this is not the only reason I don’t want to talk to them. How in the world do I have to tell them I miss sex, and I miss D/s? The don’t even know what the last is; what it means to me. And they are all women who see sex as a burden, as something they have to do because their husbands want it. They just wouldn’t understand, but except for that, I just don’t want to discuss these very personal things with my colleagues. And this is the very reason why at work I just do my work, am friendly to colleagues and laugh with them, but mainly keep to myself.
With all that is going on, with my mood so down and the tears so close to the surface most of the time, I have been thinking of contacting my psychologist again…
But, that’s something to address in the new year (yes, I am a master at putting these kind of things off because I tell myself that tomorrow will be better…)
Let’s concentrate on positive things…
I wish each and every one of you a very happy, blessed and peaceful Christmas, no matter where you are and how you choose to celebrate it. Hug your loved ones close, tell them you love them, and send a smile up to heaven to those who cannot physically be here to celebrate with you. And, if you need a moment for yourself to let those tears out, please take that moment. There’s no shame in that, because sometimes life is just hard.
© Rebel’s Notes