Note: I apologize beforehand for a very long post.
The week before Christmas, and part of the week of Christmas was difficult. I had things on my to-do list but the fog in my head just prevented me from doing any of those. Oh I have done some, but it was like battling through a pile of syrup to get it done. Oh, I sat at my laptop, and I did things, but it took me so much longer to do it, because it was like I had forgotten how it should be done. My energy was gone.
Then came the morning of the 27th, and as I sat on the side of the bed to get up, I noticed something. My head was lighter. The fog was gone. I literally said to myself: “I actually feel better. I’m back.”
I buzzed with energy, and got more done in the one day, than in the week leading up to Christmas.
Now, finally being able to focus again, it’s time to look back at the ‘old’ year, and forward to the new.
Looking back on 2019
2019 was in no way an easy year, and yet again, it wasn’t a bad year either. When I did my reflection at the end of 2018, I mentioned that I felt like a fish half in and half our of the water, but this year wasn’t that bad. I think…
Life continued from one day to the next, and there were a lot of happy moments with Master T, despite it being difficult too. Our love remains strong and pulls us through the most difficult times. We went out for drinks and dinner quite a lot (maybe too much) and mostly to our regular hangout, until it went bankrupt in May, and we had to find a different place to go to. We found some, but we also found ourselves staying home more, which was really lovely.
Back in March we traveled to Eroticon 2019, and six weeks later I got on a bus and traveled back to London, all by myself. I made the same trip three times more in 2019, and the last time, on 21 December 2019, my oldest daughter joined me for the trip. These trips have been wonderful, and have kept me sane because I could get out of caring mode, and just be, leaving the driving to someone else and the only obligation for me was to be back at the bus on time to return home.
Our son moved out in July this year, and that significantly changed our lives too, as we now found ourselves alone on some weekends, when the youngest stayed with her boyfriend. Every three weeks I go to my son to spend an afternoon with him, and we combine that with a trip to the store for the heavier groceries. He is doing well, and that makes me proud. I also frequently see my eldest, her husband and my two grandsons.
And not a day goes by that I don’t think about my mom.
Master T’s health continues to be the center of our lives. It’s been three years since the problems started, and even though he hasn’t changed in the three years, he has. He’s tired most of the time, as he fights pain 24/7, and I know mentally he is fighting this thing hard, knowing that there comes a moment when he will give up, throw his prosthetic leg in a corner and go sit in a wheelchair. He doesn’t want that, but he knows the moment is coming, once he has gone through the process of accepting. People give advice that he should just go sit in a chair for a couple of weeks to let his leg heal, but he knows if he does that, he will never get out of the chair. He didn’t want to use a walking stick either, and when he started, within weeks he couldn’t go without it anymore.
My health ‘problems’ are insignificant compared to what Master T goes through. My mental health is fragile, even though I don’t feel it like that every day. I sort of push it to the back of my mind and just get on with things I need to do, which is why bad periods like the one before Christmas creep up on me. I had more of those this year, and will probably have more of them in future too. Because of being the caregiver and doing the majority of the chores here, stress has become part of my daily life. Unfortunately, the stress has decided to settle in my back, and for that I am now regularly seeing a chiropractor.
This past year we have averaged sex about once a month, maybe even less. Master T’s head is just not in the game, and because I get less sex that I would want, my mind doesn’t seem to be in the game anymore either. I don’t masturbate nearly as much as I did before, and mostly don’t even have the desire to do so. I have more or less come to accept that it is what it is. There were times when my hope flared up this year, that we might be back on track, but sadly that wasn’t the case.
I have written a lot this year, but if you look at my blog, you will see that little of that was erotica. My stories seem to have been stolen, and where I do have a lot of words in my head, they aren’t stories. I know they are still in there somewhere, and one day they will be back. Or maybe they just need a little nudge…
This year I embarked further on the journey of doing self photography, and there are images I am incredibly proud of. In November we changed the attic into a photo studio, and where I still have to assemble some Ikea stuff for the room, it has already been used twice. I am in love with the floor in the room, and love that I can just go up there, put the camera on the tripod and snap away without worrying about anything in the background.
My blog has been an outcome this year, as it has given me a purpose, and a space to just say what’s on my mind. It definitely is my safe space; a space where I can write for myself, and where I am heard.
I don’t think I could have found the gratification in my blog if I didn’t have the support of this wonderful community. During this year, on my trips to London, I have gotten to know Molly, Honey, Bee and Pearl a lot better, but we have also spent time with Julie and Kurvy Kinkster, which was wonderful. There are others we continue to see, who we have gotten to know through this community, and people who we haven’t seen this year, but hope to meet again next year.
I have had the opportunity to be a speaker at Eroticon 2019, where I was part of a panel about memes, and next year I will be doing a solo session. I am very nervous for that, but I do believe that when you are part of something, you also have to give back in some or other way. I will always support everyone in this community, and feel supported by everyone. Recently something happened that shook me quite a bit, and still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it, but I just have to find the solid ground under my feet again, and believe in myself. I know who I am, know that I care of people a lot, sometimes too much, and if some people can’t see that, it’s on them, not me. Seriously, that sounds harsher than I mean it. As said, I will always support everyone, even those who hurt me. I love this community, its different voices, different views of life, and I believe we can learn a lot from each other, if we just treat each other with respect.
Looking forward to 2020
At the end of last year I set myself a couple of goals:
- Scheduling posts ahead: I am happy to say that I am back on track with scheduling posts ahead, and not writing them the night before I want them on the blog. I am not as good at this as I was before, but I am getting there.
- Giving myself days off: I have definitely succeeded in this, and not only in giving myself days off at home, but also going on trips where I could focus only on myself.
- Changing my newsletter: I have changed my weekly newsletter to a fortnightly one, and the frequency works perfectly. I will continue with this in 2020.
- The Smut Marathon schedule: In 2019 I changed the schedule to give me more time to work on the entries and on the voting rounds, but I still noticed that I was short on time for the first. This is why I have changed it a bit more, to do the majority of work on Wednesday (my regular day off from work) and make my Thursday evenings less hectic.
- Using a dated Passion Planner: As far as the monthly reflections went, this year I did those on time, but I still haven’t used the Passion Planner as intended. I used it mostly as a diary, up to the beginning of December, when I started to put bullet points in it, and not over-plan a day. It worked, up to of course the week of Christmas, where my planning went haywire because of the fog in my head.
Goals for 2020
Of course I have been thinking about goals for 2020, and as they came to mind, I jotted them down in the back of my Passion Planner. Goals I am setting myself are:
- Posts to do every week: Masturbation Monday, Wicked Wednesday, Sinful Sunday and my #SoSS.
Masturbation Monday: I have a personal series (written as fiction) I have started posting on this meme some weeks ago – No Consent – and I will continue with this until the series is done, which will probably take up all of 2020, if not longer.
Wicked Wednesday: I want to have my post scheduled in the weekend before the actual Wednesday.
Sinful Sunday: This continues to be one of my favorite memes, and of course with the new photo studio it’s even more fun to take part in this meme.
#SoSS: As I have said above, I love to give back to the community that is so kind to me, and will continue to do my weekly #SoSS to highlight posts of others.
Other memes: Mentioning the memes above doesn’t mean I will not write for other memes anymore. These are just the four posts that have to be on my site every week, as a minimum.
- Erotic fiction: I want to write at least one new piece of erotic fiction per month. I hope this will clear the creative block in my brain.
- Smut Marathon: Other than running the Smut Marathon again, I want to post at least one new writing tip per month. I have a list of them in my drafts folder, and just need to get working on them.
- Photography: I want to do at least one solo photo shoot per month in the photo studio, and want to go on photo trips with my daughter at least once every other month.
- Instagram: I have neglected Instagram in the last couple of months, and want to get back to post there regularly. Preferably every Wednesday and Saturday/Sunday, but most definitely once a week. It’s not that I don’t like posting on Instagram, but simply that I forget about it.
- Lightroom + Photoshop: I bought a magazine with study cases for each of these programs, and have an online course for each of them to follow. I want to dedicate at least one afternoon a month to practicing with both these programs, to better edit my images.
- Genealogy: I have bought a program to do the genealogy of our family (I have this online too, but the space is limited so I can’t go further) and I want to dedicate at least one afternoon a month to working with this program. I received it about a month ago and still haven’t even installed it! Thankfully I have a friend who has been doing genealogy for years and she can guide me when I need it.
- Travel: Just like I have done this year, I want to travel to London frequently next year. We will be at Eroticon 2020, and I want to go to London at least four times after that. I hope that more people would want to come out and spend the day with us, as this really is a way to get to know each other a lot better!
- Life and sex and health: It’s so difficult to set goals for this, as life just happens, and there’s sometimes nothing you can do about some circumstances. I want to continue to enjoy the good times I have with Master T, support him in his bad times, and be grateful for the sexy moments he gives me when he has the energy. Life will just happen, and I will continue to give myself the rest when needed, to take into account that downtime definitely is needed to keep myself going. I might set myself some goals regarding masturbation, just to get back in touch with my sex(y) feelings again, but I am not going to put that as a goal here, as I don’t want to feel the pressure of that. One other thing I really want to do this coming year, is to get my weight back down again. I have talked about this so many times, and it’s hard to do when you are in care-giving- and surviving mode, but I am going to make an effort in 2020.
I think I am more focused now that I was at the end of last year, more determined to make the best of the hands I have been dealt by life. I am strong and capable, and as long as I take my own health into account, I can reach every goal I have set myself for 2020.
Happy New Year
Only one thing remains, and that is to wish you all a happy, healthy, peaceful and productive 2020. May all your dreams come true, and remember, be kind to each other, and try to understand that we are all different people, and everyone carries their own baggage in life. Your truth is not the only truth there is.
Happy New Year!
© Rebel’s Notes