I miss it.
I miss him ordering me to get on my knees. I miss his stern look when I accidentally cross my legs. I miss him grabbing the o-ring on my night collar and pulling me closer while his fingers painfully grip my nipple. Miss him forcing me deep into my submission, being focused only on him and what he demands of me.
I miss him.
Pain in, control out…
I have written about Master T’s pain many times in the past three years (yes, that’s how long his current health problems have been going on), and sadly have to say that in the past two weeks things have even gotten worse, due to an additional infection. Sometimes I wonder where all of this will end, and whether it will ever get better, or at least to an acceptable level.
Obviously, because of the pain, because of his energy being drained by it, his dominance, my submission, our D/s… all of that haven’t been at the top of his priority list. Control is not something he cares to take at this moment.
No, scratch that. That’s not true.
He does care about control. He’s trying his best to control what is happening to him, to his body, to his life. He barely ever talks about it, but I know he feels the control slipping through his fingers, because no matter what he does, what the health professionals try, his body seems to have a will of its own. He’s trying to hold on, trying to regain control, just not of me.
I know he would love to take back control over me too, but until his health problems are on a level where he has much less pain than now, it’s not going to happen.
Control out, control in…
I have been taking more and more control in some areas of our life. Not the sexual part, as I have never been able to that, and mostly not the D/s part either. But, there are things that I now control, which in the past he did.
The main thing maybe are my orgasms, as I don’t ask for permission anymore, except when we are together and he is the one giving me an orgasm. In the past, when I went off to test a toy, or I was just in the mood to masturbate, I always asked for permission beforehand, but I don’t anymore. Why? Because he just doesn’t need to be confronted with this too. He has enough confrontation in his life now, and I don’t have to go around reminding him that he can’t give me the control I need.
There are also areas where I have to make decisions, and it seems like very little, but with all the little things, it bears down heavy on my shoulders. I am talking about things like when we make an appointment with someone to go out for lunch or dinner, I am forever ‘walking the streets’ on Google Earth to see whether I can drop Master T off in front of the restaurant so he doesn’t have to walk that far. Otherwise the venue has to be changed. And, I always have to drive. No more getting in the car next to him.
When we go out, wherever, I am always watching out for him, making sure no one bumps into him, no one obstructs where he’s walking, staying next to him so I can grab his hand or arm in an instant… and so on, and so on. I noticed how he leans on me, not physically, but mentally, and it’s fine, but it’s different than it was three, maybe even two years ago. Our life is so much different, and there are areas where I am forced to take control.
One thing, sometimes more
There is one thing Master T still has control over… my night collar. He has said a couple of times before that his dominance isn’t gone (how could it be, if that’s part of your nature?) but that other things are more important now, meaning his body is demanding his attention. However, every night we go to bed, I am not allowed to roll over and go to sleep without him putting my night collar around my neck. If he would stop with that, I will know that I have to give up on our D/s.
Another thing he still sometimes do, is to make known that he doesn’t like to see me cross my legs. I do so quite a bit nowadays, because sitting in some chairs I need to cross my legs to relief the pain in my lower back. He knows this, and therefore allows me to cross my legs, but still he sometimes remarks on it. I haven’t told him, but those remarks are so very precious to me, because they too show that the desire for control is still somewhere in him.
Something that is not control, but more a confirmation that I am definitely still his, is when we have a lie in, and he turns towards me and possessively lays his hand over my breast. I love that, and in those moments I feel small and… submissive.
I have to make do with the crumbs at this moment, and those crumbs keep me from going crazy without his control.
I recently had a chat with friends about D/s, and the paths my thoughts have traveled with our D/s being so low (almost non-existent), and how not having it makes me feel. I have to crystallize some of those thoughts and am sure there will be another post in which I share them.
Image by Silvio Donat from Pixabay
© Rebel’s Notes