Continuously on reset…

As I have mentioned many times on this blog before, our D/s is currently not as active as it has been in the past. This current ‘condition’ has been going on for three years, and somehow I have come to accept that this might be our new normal. A D/s that is more in mind than in action. This doesn’t mean that there’s never any action. There is, and every time it happens, it’s like a reset in my mind.

Some weeks ago there were three or four weekends after each other where Master T took some kind of implement to hand, and on one of those occasions he even bruised me. That was a huge reset, after months of no BDSM related actions and only sporadic sex. Those three or four weekends made me believe that we had finally turned a corner, and yes, we were indeed back.

Unfortunately, things went south again. All of October was a dry spell, until last weekend, when during daytime Master T kissed me, and I instantly realized it wasn’t just a kiss. There was more. And then his hands roamed to my breasts, my crotch, and there was a promise in his eyes. I didn’t want to get my hopes up as it was still hours before we would go to bed.

But, that night, another reset happened. No implements, no pain, only unbridled sex and many orgasms. This was another reset for me. Not because I thought we were back again, but because I have noticed those dark thoughts in my mind again, and all I needed was a little tender loving care (okay: some hard sex) to bring me back from the edge, and make me feel whole again. A night like that, a reconnection if you want, makes me feel closer to Master T again, despite always feeling close to him. A night like that is something that erases the dark thoughts in my mind. Sometimes they come back after some weeks, and sometimes they don’t.

The past three years have not been easy, and had our love not been as strong as it is, who knows where we would have been today? There were times I felt ugly, unwanted, unloved, but those were not all because of Master T’s condition, but also because of the grief during my mom’s illness and after she passed away. The doctor called it a trauma, and said I had all the symptoms of a PTSD. During my lowest times I was as uninterested in sex as Master T, but I always craved some kind of connection.

It’s not that Master T and I had ever doubt our love for each other. That is solid. It’s just that without the connection, I a the one who spiral down, who worry that I am just not right for him anymore, despite knowing I am being ridiculous. But, that’s how my mind works, and frankly, it’s a lot better than it was in the past, as I can now sometimes talk myself down, but there were times when I hadn’t been able to see the bigger picture and only zoomed in on what I missed.

So many resets happened in the past three years. And I believe the resets will keep on happening. Maybe that’s how our life will be for the time to come. Dry spells, then a night of passion, all depending on Master T’s physical health and the amount of pain he has. Each night of passion, even when there’s only a week between them, will feel like a reset, until we fall into a regular pattern again. I think there were times when I took our sex and D/s life for granted, but I don’t anymore.

Life deals you cards, and you have to play with it, and if this is what our life will look like in the future, then this will be our new normal: dry spells and resets.

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© Rebel’s Notes

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8 thoughts on “Continuously on reset…

  1. Ah. These wretched gremlins in our minds have a lot to answer for. I found it interesting that both of our posts were similar in that we acknowledge a new normal which was not necessarily what we aspired to. I liked your view of the continual resets as a way of keeping you being, and feeling, as you want to and I can relate to that.

  2. Those self doubts and insecurities can really warp the mind, leaving us second guessing not just ourselves but also a partner.

    It sounds like it’s been very rough for a number of reasons that all pile up together. Hopefully you know what works and how to get that mutual reset from each other.

    Thank you for sharing on #sb4mh.

    melody ??

  3. What you write about insecurity of not being good enough or wondering if something is wrong when (sorry if my phrasing is off in the next bit) when something kinky/sex/serving him isn’t happening is so relatable. When I was still in a M/s dynamic I had those same issues. And no matter how often I told myself it was just in my head, which it always was, I still felt it the same every time

    I’m amazed that you have been able to cope with it as well as you have and your love for each other must be incredibly strong and it’s admirable.

  4. Yes, Rebel … if you can look at the possibility of change – and know maybe it’s going to be a permanent change in your dynamic but still know such change won’t affect how much you love each other or your need to be together, then you both will find ways to make it work … nj … xx

  5. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. It sounds like you too have been through the ringer and I’m glad your relationship is the thing that keeps you strong.

  6. My mother told me…”you and your spouse need and should be friends before you have sex. Besides as you get older the sex will not be the most important thing or the glue that holds you together.”
    I thought “what a crock!!! I’m gonna wanna fuck until I die.”
    I totally get what she was telling me. Now that we are older, it’s not about sex. It’s about the connection we have. It’s the fact we enjoy each other’s company. OMG and that we touch each other, hold hands, smack each other’s ass in fun. Every once in a while I crave that rough sex, that sex we had when we were younger and didn’t have bad knees and huffin & puffin. LOL.
    I hope you can find a happy medium, a place where you get what you need.
    Happy Thoughts

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