Death of Sexual Desire

It’s a bit awkward…

You see, I have the habit of working ahead for memes where prompts are posted ahead of time, and I have done so for the Erotic Journal Challenge, but the prompt doesn’t exist anymore. I have been balancing between deciding to just let this post go live as it was intended, or to change it and combine it with another meme. Well I guess you know to which side the scales have tipped, and the main reason for this is because things have changed since I wrote the post back in August, with the intention to let it go live on 8 October 2019.

You can find the original post between the horizontal lines, and this post will continue below that…

View… how have your views about sex changed over time?

I can’t tell you how long I have been thinking about this question. Actually, I can. Ever since Brigit has put this prompt up on her list of prompts for the Erotic Journal Challenge, it has played in my mind. Some of my more recent posts have hinted that I might feel different about sex now than I have even only a year ago. Then I saw tweets by Madeleine (@remittancegirl) and asked her permission to share them here on my blog:

So… a thread on the death of sexual desire:

When I hit menopause at the age of 54, I experienced a complete lack of interest in sex.
While personally kind of liberating, I did notice that I live in a society that measures worth based on appetite and consumption.

Now, this doesn’t happen to all women. Some women stay incredibly randy. But not me. For me, the prospect of having sex rates up there with a root canal. This was somewhat shocking since I spent most of my life highly motivated by sex. It was also gravely inconvenient because my life as a writer was spent focusing on eroticism.

To be specific, although I no longer have any interest in having sex, I am still fascinated by eroticism and how it plays out in our culture.

I guess what I’d like to say to women approaching menopause is… if your interest in sex takes a dive, fear not, mourn not. It’s one less itch to scratch and capitalism shouldn’t force you to feel bad about it.

These tweets made me question my own lack of sexual desire. Was it because I have put my body ‘on hold’ while Master T is going through his health problems, or was it because the same is happening to me than what Madeleine has written? Or maybe it was a combination of the two? Now I have to say that the first signs of menopause started when I was only about 42 or 43 years old, and it seems I have had the worst of it. All through those years my sex drive was good, and the more I could get, the more I wanted.

That has changed in the past months. Where I do have my days where I really miss sex, and really want Master T to be more in the mood for it (unfortunately, this is something that can’t be forced), I have much more days where I find the current status quo perfectly okay. Many times when I read about the sex lives of others, I feel that I should be more interested in sex because that’s the way it should be.

I’m a sex blogger so I should have sex, right?

This last thought doesn’t come to me in those words when I read about others having sex. It’s something I never consciously think about, but am putting that down here now because of this blog post. My opinion is that I can still be a sex blogger even if I don’t have sex, or even if my sex life consists only of me occasionally masturbating when the urge strikes. I have always been a highly sexual person, and I believe I still am, despite very rarely actively having sex. Over the years of sex blogging I have come to understand that the most sexual part of our bodies are our minds, and as long as my mind can still dream up sexy scenarios, I don’t mind so much that we don’t actively have sex (except for those days that I really feel that I miss out on something, but that passes after a day or two).

So, to get back to the original question: how have your views about sex changed over time?

  • Intimacy doesn’t mean sex: Yes, there really was a time when I thought intimacy equals sex and the other way around, but I have learned and appreciate that we can be intimate without having sex.
  • Not having sex doesn’t mean we don’t love each other: This connects to the previous point. When Master T just started to lose interest in sex, I thought it was because he didn’t find me attractive anymore, or worse even, that he didn’t love me anymore. I know now that his feelings for me had never changed, despite us barely having sex anymore.
  • Masturbation is as much sex as penetrative sex: Even if Master T and I don’t fuck, the masturbation moments I have are as much sex as any fucking would’ve been. It satisfy a need in me, and I should enjoy it as much as I enjoy when Master T brings me to orgasm, whether with his finger or his cock.
  • Sometimes facts are as they are: This is something Master T said recently, when I had a moment where I sort-of-whined about sex. When he said it, I was disappointed and a bit hurt too, and I refrained from saying anything to him, because I had two glasses of wine and I didn’t want to sound unreasonable. But, it made me think and yes indeed, sometimes facts are just as they are. His energy is totally consumed by the constant pain he feels, which means sex is just not on his mind, and that is something not only he, but also I have to accept.

The above is my current view on sex and our sex life, but I believe us humans are constantly growing and evolving throughout our lives, which means that my views might change some more over the next months or years. Who knows where this path will lead? Maybe it will lead us back to an active sex life, maybe it will lead us to a place where I have penetrative sex with someone else than Master T, and maybe it will lead us to a sexless, yet intimate and loving life together. As with so many things in life, time will tell…

(written in August 2019)

Like I said above, things have changed since I wrote the original post. Where our sex life was almost non-existent, some of it has returned, which really makes me happy. I think in the last two months we had more sex than in the last two years, where it definitely didn’t happen every day, but more like once a week, with sometimes skipping one week. I thought this would make my sex drive return, but it didn’t. Yes, when sex happens I definitely want it and I want more, but if a week is skipped, I am totally okay with that too. I don’t have the urge to touch myself or have an orgasm.

Another thing I said above is that I most of the menopause is behind me. Wrong! In the period where Europe suffered from temperatures roundabout 40 degrees Celsius, I started suspecting that my hot flushes were back. I couldn’t confirm it then, but now with the cooler weather I know for sure. I am back on HRT and hope it will soon settle the terrible hot flushes, which are worse than they were before.

I think the lack of sexual desire on my side goes hand in hand with the menopause rearing its head again. Either that, or I had gotten so used to a slow sex life, that my own drive has adjusted to that. Let’s see where this goes…

© Rebel’s Notes

Wicked Wednesday            The Menopause Diaries

20 thoughts on “Death of Sexual Desire

  1. Without sex there can be no intimacy. Without sex there is no love. Without penetrative sex there is no sex. To belive otherwise is to deal in rationalization, justification, and denial

    1. I think you still have a lot to learn in life, Samuel. It’s a sad day when all people think the way you do.

  2. Great post-Marie – I think (or more like wonder) if we crave what we don’t have and take for granted what we have. When I was in a relationship I was always wanting sex and play. Downright upset when it didn’t happen. I thought it was because I had recently found my “thing”. When it ended I was devasted and of course, missed it. After a time, having an orgasm was the furthest thing from my mind. Even now a year later I have to remind myself when the last time was that I masturbated. and when I do have to opportunity while I get excited about the thought of it, I rarely do what is needed to make it happen. I have a whole lot of reasons that this could be (including the possibility of menopause) but reading others’ posts shows me that we are not alone. Thanks again for always being so open and honest.

  3. So I’m a lot younger and I don’t always have much of a sex drive. I think many times for me, it’s because I’m not getting sex regularly so it becomes something I don’t think about. My focus just shifts to other things.

    What you’ve said about still being a sex blogger even if you’re not having all the sex is so true. I think of that often. I’m not having sex, but I still write erotic stories. I’m sure they could be sexier if I was myself having more sex, but it doesn’t take away from my ability to write that I want or like.

    1. Love this! Most of my writings at the beginning of my blog were based on my experiences. When I stopped having those experiences, I lost the desire to write about it. I’m slowly trying to get back at it and use my imagination a little more but it is difficult.

  4. I’m glad you posted this anyway. I just read a post from Mrs Fever that also got me thinking about how I portray my own sex life as a sex blogger. It’s important to be honest and show all sides…the horny and the not so horny. I can take sex or leave it, which causes my husband great dismay. But then, I’ve always been like that. It isn’t menopause. However, when I’m getting it regularly, I want it more. I may have to go back and explore my own abandoned topic…

  5. I know what you mean about desire ebbing and flowing. I like being in a relationship where that is ok and where one of us can still meet the needs of the other. It is important to me that we seek to find that compromise as sometimes the stuff of life just does not make me horny ?

  6. Wonderful post Marie . . . I do think that our physical changes do have a huge influence on our desire and motivation. And, also sometimes just falling into the “habit” of normal, everyday routine. I often find that just doing something different helps re-energise drive and desire. But as we “mature” everything slows down doesn’t it . . . and I think if we dwell on it too much it just increases the pressure.
    So . . . quality over quantity is my motto !!!
    Xxx – K

  7. I’m happy for you and Mr T that sex is back in the picture, Rebel … it would have been easy to just let it die out. The fact you’ve kept yourselves open to possibilities and now have regained sexual intimacy speaks to your relationship. Regarding length of time menopause effects last … yeah, some symptoms go but some stay for a long time – at 64, I still have hot flashes and brain fog, which for me has been the worst symptom of all … nj … xx

  8. For me my desire to have sex ebbs and flows. Menopausal symptoms which have returned to me don’t help. But it feels that the less I have sex, then the less I worry and the more I have it the more I want it. Interesting post Marie.

  9. As always such an open and honest instrospection from you. I think we often, well me especially, get caught up in the kinky Twitter or sex/erotic blogging community, thinking that every one is have hot, mind shattering sex. When in fact sex can be extremely awkward at times or even non-existant.

  10. What is Mr Ts problem if I might ask? It sounds chronic. I was never awakened to sexual feelings until I met Rex. Now, at almost 81 I have a real need for sex and intimacy. Possibly out of reassurance? I’m not sure. But we make love either with penetration or otherwise hmmm almost every day at the moment. We’re still in the first few months of our relationship so I suppose we’re a bit new and it’s such a novelty for me after almost zero for all my adult life until 4 months ago!

  11. A very aptly timed post. I just posted my own experience, “”, but from a male perspective post prostate cancer radio-therapy treatment.
    Certainly is a downer…

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