It’s a bit awkward…
You see, I have the habit of working ahead for memes where prompts are posted ahead of time, and I have done so for the Erotic Journal Challenge, but the prompt doesn’t exist anymore. I have been balancing between deciding to just let this post go live as it was intended, or to change it and combine it with another meme. Well I guess you know to which side the scales have tipped, and the main reason for this is because things have changed since I wrote the post back in August, with the intention to let it go live on 8 October 2019.
You can find the original post between the horizontal lines, and this post will continue below that…
View… how have your views about sex changed over time?
I can’t tell you how long I have been thinking about this question. Actually, I can. Ever since Brigit has put this prompt up on her list of prompts for the Erotic Journal Challenge, it has played in my mind. Some of my more recent posts have hinted that I might feel different about sex now than I have even only a year ago. Then I saw tweets by Madeleine (@remittancegirl) and asked her permission to share them here on my blog:
So… a thread on the death of sexual desire:
When I hit menopause at the age of 54, I experienced a complete lack of interest in sex.
While personally kind of liberating, I did notice that I live in a society that measures worth based on appetite and consumption.
Now, this doesn’t happen to all women. Some women stay incredibly randy. But not me. For me, the prospect of having sex rates up there with a root canal. This was somewhat shocking since I spent most of my life highly motivated by sex. It was also gravely inconvenient because my life as a writer was spent focusing on eroticism.
To be specific, although I no longer have any interest in having sex, I am still fascinated by eroticism and how it plays out in our culture.
I guess what I’d like to say to women approaching menopause is… if your interest in sex takes a dive, fear not, mourn not. It’s one less itch to scratch and capitalism shouldn’t force you to feel bad about it.
These tweets made me question my own lack of sexual desire. Was it because I have put my body ‘on hold’ while Master T is going through his health problems, or was it because the same is happening to me than what Madeleine has written? Or maybe it was a combination of the two? Now I have to say that the first signs of menopause started when I was only about 42 or 43 years old, and it seems I have had the worst of it. All through those years my sex drive was good, and the more I could get, the more I wanted.
That has changed in the past months. Where I do have my days where I really miss sex, and really want Master T to be more in the mood for it (unfortunately, this is something that can’t be forced), I have much more days where I find the current status quo perfectly okay. Many times when I read about the sex lives of others, I feel that I should be more interested in sex because that’s the way it should be.
I’m a sex blogger so I should have sex, right?
This last thought doesn’t come to me in those words when I read about others having sex. It’s something I never consciously think about, but am putting that down here now because of this blog post. My opinion is that I can still be a sex blogger even if I don’t have sex, or even if my sex life consists only of me occasionally masturbating when the urge strikes. I have always been a highly sexual person, and I believe I still am, despite very rarely actively having sex. Over the years of sex blogging I have come to understand that the most sexual part of our bodies are our minds, and as long as my mind can still dream up sexy scenarios, I don’t mind so much that we don’t actively have sex (except for those days that I really feel that I miss out on something, but that passes after a day or two).
So, to get back to the original question: how have your views about sex changed over time?
- Intimacy doesn’t mean sex: Yes, there really was a time when I thought intimacy equals sex and the other way around, but I have learned and appreciate that we can be intimate without having sex.
- Not having sex doesn’t mean we don’t love each other: This connects to the previous point. When Master T just started to lose interest in sex, I thought it was because he didn’t find me attractive anymore, or worse even, that he didn’t love me anymore. I know now that his feelings for me had never changed, despite us barely having sex anymore.
- Masturbation is as much sex as penetrative sex: Even if Master T and I don’t fuck, the masturbation moments I have are as much sex as any fucking would’ve been. It satisfy a need in me, and I should enjoy it as much as I enjoy when Master T brings me to orgasm, whether with his finger or his cock.
- Sometimes facts are as they are: This is something Master T said recently, when I had a moment where I sort-of-whined about sex. When he said it, I was disappointed and a bit hurt too, and I refrained from saying anything to him, because I had two glasses of wine and I didn’t want to sound unreasonable. But, it made me think and yes indeed, sometimes facts are just as they are. His energy is totally consumed by the constant pain he feels, which means sex is just not on his mind, and that is something not only he, but also I have to accept.
The above is my current view on sex and our sex life, but I believe us humans are constantly growing and evolving throughout our lives, which means that my views might change some more over the next months or years. Who knows where this path will lead? Maybe it will lead us back to an active sex life, maybe it will lead us to a place where I have penetrative sex with someone else than Master T, and maybe it will lead us to a sexless, yet intimate and loving life together. As with so many things in life, time will tell…
(written in August 2019)
Like I said above, things have changed since I wrote the original post. Where our sex life was almost non-existent, some of it has returned, which really makes me happy. I think in the last two months we had more sex than in the last two years, where it definitely didn’t happen every day, but more like once a week, with sometimes skipping one week. I thought this would make my sex drive return, but it didn’t. Yes, when sex happens I definitely want it and I want more, but if a week is skipped, I am totally okay with that too. I don’t have the urge to touch myself or have an orgasm.
Another thing I said above is that I most of the menopause is behind me. Wrong! In the period where Europe suffered from temperatures roundabout 40 degrees Celsius, I started suspecting that my hot flushes were back. I couldn’t confirm it then, but now with the cooler weather I know for sure. I am back on HRT and hope it will soon settle the terrible hot flushes, which are worse than they were before.
I think the lack of sexual desire on my side goes hand in hand with the menopause rearing its head again. Either that, or I had gotten so used to a slow sex life, that my own drive has adjusted to that. Let’s see where this goes…
© Rebel’s Notes