I am generally a very open person, and at times even an over-sharer. Sometimes I sit talking to someone, and when I look back on the conversation I just shake my head and wonder why on earth I had told them what I did. There are times when I had wished I had given it some thought before I said it, and not just blabber it out.
That said, I have never shared a secret someone else had told me. People used to think that I will tell on them, because I am an over-sharer and impulsive talker, but I have never done so. I’m still like that, if someone tells me something in confidence, I will not share it.
Of course during life I had my share of secrets too, things I didn’t want others to know. Sometimes I shared my secrets with a friend, but mostly I just kept them to myself.
Have you ever had a secret crush?
Oh yes, and this is actually quite a funny story. Way back, when I was about thirteen, we lived in Namibia. My father was born there when it was still South West Africa and part of South Africa. We lived in Windhoek, and in the third year of high school, I had this secret crush on one of the seniors. He was so sweet, but he could never be mine, because it was the boyfriend of my best friend.
I frequently called him, when the two of them had a fight and she wanted me to tell him something, or to try and mend things between them. I gladly did this, as it meant I could talk to him; hear his voice.
One Sunday afternoon, my mom and dad sat talking about my father’s family, and my father remembered that a cousin of him lived in Windhoek. He remembered her last name, got the phone directory (this was 1980), and was surprised to find a bright blue line under her telephone number.
Yep, you’ve guessed it. The guy I had a crush on turned out to be the son of my father’s cousin.
Two years later, in another city, another town, I had a crush on one of the school’s first team rugby players. I even sent him a secret Valentine, but I was just too ‘simple’ a girl to be noticed by anyone.
Have you ever kept a secret that you wish you’d shared?
I have hinted at this secret on the blog several times, which is that one thing in my sexual history that I have only shared with two people: Master T and my best friend. There is absolutely NO one else who knows about this.
No, this is not true.
Only about a month ago, in a very open and honest conversation between my daughter and me, she suddenly asked me about this specific secret, and asked me if I had ever told my mom. I hadn’t. I don’t think I would ever have told my mom, but sometimes I wish I had shared it with her, that I had come clean to her about it. I think it might have felt like a kind of redemption had I told her, and then again, it might have put a huge distance between her and me, and I think that is the very reason I never told her: I didn’t want her to push me away because of what had happened.
Maybe one day I will be ready to share it with the world, and maybe I won’t.
Only a partial secret
One thing I think many of us in the sex blogging community keep a secret are the ‘secret’ lives we live. Some of us are totally out in the open with our blogs and kink lives, but maybe about 80% of us keep it a secret in some or other way. Some of us, like me, have mentioned to people outside the community that we have blogs, but don’t give the link to it, and others just don’t speak about our blogs at all. My colleagues know about my blog, but others can’t talk about it for fear of losing their jobs. I actually know of someone who was a sex blogger, but who had been fired because a client came across her blog and reported her. So sad. I know this will not happen where I work, but I am still very careful not to talk about my blog too much, because I don’t know what the ‘big bosses’ in Australia and America and England will do if they know what kind of blog I have…
I still think it’s actually a shame that we have to keep things like this a secret, because the fact that we are sex bloggers doesn’t mean that all of a sudden we are bad at our jobs, or not to be trusted anymore, or even see us as threats to their lives. Unfortunately some people think like that, and look down on us, because we write openly about the things they would rather keep hidden in their dark bedrooms.
Much of who I am as Marie Rebelle, and as my kinky and bisexual self, is known to others in some or other degree, as I don’t keep it a secret anymore, but share on a ‘need-to-know’ basis.
I am who I am, and I refuse to hide it away for the rest of my life, but even so, when my blog or my kinky and bisexual nature comes to mind during a conversation, I do think before I talk, and carefully judge whether I can share or not. If I think I can, I share a bit, and the rest I only share when someone actually asks questions and really wants to know more. This seems to work for me, and makes me feel that I can indeed be who I am.
© Rebel’s Notes