This is the rework of a self-published auto-biographical story (2008), rewritten for this blog. Names of characters have been changed.
Content warning: mental and physical abuse, misogyny.
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do.
Prologue (part 3)
Continued from… Prologue (part 2)
During the school holidays, Annie’s best friend came to visit her for two weeks. They were in the stage of their lives where they enjoyed dressing up like the characters in their fantasies — kings, queens and servants. It was innocent, but exciting. In one of their games, both the girls had reached such a level of excitement that they decided to show each other their genitals.
Annie knew what the young male genital looked like, as she and her younger brother still had bathed together until just before the visit of her friend. Mary was an only child, and had reached the age where she too started to get curious about some sexual aspects of life, despite her protective upbringing. On that particular afternoon, in the far corner of the garden, both the giggling girls dropped their panties to show each other what was hidden below. The looked at each other, covered themselves up and continued playing like nothing had happened.
That evening in bed, the excitement of the afternoon was back.
“Don’t move. Don’t speak,” Annie whispered. “If my parents hear us, we’ll both get a spanking.” Slowly Annie moved down under the blankets and positioned herself between Mary’s legs. Clumsily she pulled Mary’s panties to the side to expose her soft flesh. Images flashed through her mind. Adrian, Peter. Peter, Adrian.
What was she to do next? How should she do it? Annie didn’t know exactly how to continue and she therefore just kept on moving her tongue up and down the slit between the labia of her friend. Knowing that she was not hurting Mary, made Annie feel strangely happy. The light feeling of frustration she had felt since the afternoon, now changed to a feeling of deep content. Only minutes later she lay down next to Mary again and the two girls fell asleep. They never spoke about what happened in bed, and it didn’t happen again. Not with Mary.
* * * * *
On their way to a holiday destination, Annie and her cousin were in the minibus of her parents, and the boys in the car with her cousin’s parents. The girls were in the far back, Anny on her front on the seat, and her cousin on her back on the floor. They were talking about girl stuff, in the way only girls can.
In a quiet moment, images flashed through Annie’s mind. It might have been because she was in the back of the same minibus, because she saw the faces of Peter and his brother. As if it had a mind of its own, her hand moved to her mouth. She put a finger to her lips, gesturing to her cousin to keep quiet, then reached for her cousin’s crotch, incautiously moving her shorts and panties aside. Her finger explored. Her cousin stayed still. Annie’s finger parted her cousin’s labia. She was surprised when she felt some dampness around her finger. She moved deeper, trying to find the origin of the wetness. A soft moan from her cousin frightened her enough to pull her hand away quickly.
She didn’t apologize for hurting the other girl. Instead, she felt smug. At last, was her childlike thought, at last someone else felt what she had endured. In that moment, she wanted someone else to feel the same frustration and humiliation she had experienced.
* * * * *
Not being able to discuss with anyone what had happened to her, Annie locked what happened in a dark corner of her brain. It had started with Adrian. He was the one who had taught her to feel guilty about what he did. He had introduced her to sex, even though he never penetrated her. He stole her innocence. Because of Adrian, Annie didn’t do anything when Peter touched her inappropriately. Adrian had already trained her to know that she should keep her mouth shut. It was her fault — all of it was her fault. That was the message that Adrian, without knowing, had placed in her head.
Slowly, and true to her nature, a rage built up in Annie. She was angry because deep down she knew that she shouldn’t feel guilty about what had happened, but still she did. She was angry, because she missed their attention. She was angry because she didn’t know how not to miss it. It also made her feel more guilty that she already did. She started to blame herself for everything, which made her even angrier. Somewhere later in life, the anger — and her desire — would look for a way out. But, it took Annie many years to be able to look back and recognize the effect of what happened in her younger years.
In her young adult life, she at last mustered the courage to tell her parents about Adrian and Peter. Her mother was shocked and would have done anything to undo it all. Her father dismissed it as her foolish imagination. His reaction intensified her guilt. What if he was correct? What if all of it had never happened?
Annie never felt traumatized, but maybe she was. For years, sex became the center of everything. She tried to bind people to her, using sex, but at the time she didn’t see it like that. Only later in life, looking back on those younger years, she understood. Annie had to learn the hard way that sex was not the solution to everything. After yet another failed relationship, Annie decided she was done with men, and would pursue a relationship with a woman. This thought never would have crossed her mind, was it not that a boyfriend awakened those slumbering fantasies inside her. When she decided to follow that road, she ended up in a real-life nightmare.
To be continued… Unexpected love
© Rebel’s Notes