I am not a fearful person, and I don’t suffer from anxiety. That said, I can be anxious for or afraid of new situations, and yes, just like almost everyone else on the planet, I do have my self-doubts. However, I do try to see things in perspective and to work through my doubts, and also those moments of fear and anxiety. One of the ways to handle new situations, is to just let them happen, but for someone who likes to know what will happen next, it’s a bit out of character to just let go and see what happens. I am more the kind of person who totally freaks out when someone surprises me. There’s this anecdote Master T and I tell people, of when we were living together for about a month.
It was a Saturday morning and in my mind I had already planned what chores I would do that day. We were both in the kitchen when he said: “Let’s drive out to the seaside today.” Now the place he mentioned is a place I love to go to, but at that moment it was not what I thought about. I immediately panicked and in a not-so-friendly way told him about everything I wanted to do that day.
“It was just a suggestion,” he said. Half an hour later, I said: “Indeed, let’s drive to the seaside.”
You see, I needed some time to think about it, and from only that one moment, Master T understood that if he thinks of something fun to do, he should give me some fair warning or I will be upset. Although I have to say that I am not as bad anymore as I was back then.
Why did I react like that?
I think it’s not only because he ‘messed up’ my plans, but because I felt it’s my duty to clean the house and do the chores, and to just let it be and go gallivanting at the seaside made me doubt myself. I mean, I would be neglecting my duties right? What would he even think of me if I didn’t do what I was supposed to do? It was only after letting it sink in that I realized how stupid I acted. I always want to do the right thing, which that day was to do the chores, but sometimes you should just not do it.
Like I said in the beginning, I am not generally a fearful or anxious person, but I do have my moments. Those feelings can play up in the bedroom too, in my sex life. In the weeks/months that I had to go without sex because Master T was fighting his own battles, I frequently doubted myself. Doubted whether he still loved me, and that made me feel anxious. Just about a week ago I once again had the same anxious feelings – we haven’t had sex for three weeks then, after he suddenly showed interest again – fearing he might not find me attractive anymore. You know those thoughts: I’m too fat, I’m dull, he’s gotten too used to me. I had to breathe in and out, calming myself, and accepting that this is the way it is. I have gotten through all those weeks/months, and I can get through it again.
I think that’s one of my biggest fears or insecurities: that Master T might not find me attractive anymore; that he wouldn’t want sex with me anymore. It’s not the kind of thing I think of every moment of the day and which leaves me feeling anxious, but I do have those quiet moments where I suddenly doubt myself, and have to remind myself of all the love between us, and that if he could, he would have sex with me every damn day, and maybe even more than once.
In her prompt for October, Brigit has a list of questions that could be use for the month’s theme. Some questions caught my attention.
Are you haunted by anything in your sexual history?
Yes, I am haunted by what happened in the nine and a half months before I came to Europe. I was in a really bad relationship back then, and rewriting that story for this blog is bringing back those dark memories. Those memories cause anxious feelings, and I have to remind myself to breathe. When I work on the story, I do so for some hours and then I walk away for days, because if I don’t, it will drive me crazy.
Is there anything you are afraid to write about (sexually speaking)?
I was afraid to share the story I just talked about, but I have started sharing it some weeks ago and will continue to do so for many weeks until it has been fully shared. Buckle in, because there’s a lot to come.
But, there’s something else too.
Something that happened two years earlier than those 9.5 months, and that’s a story I still cannot share; cannot write about. It was a beautiful time, and it taught me a lot about myself and my sexuality, but it should never have been. It developed so naturally, and it felt so good, but I don’t know if I will ever be able to write about it. I share a LOT on this blog, in fact, I share everything, but this is the one thing that might never see the light of day in my writing.
Are you afraid to ask for what you want?
Yes. I have always been afraid to ask for what I want, and I think I always will be, as this is so much part of my personality. I tend to overthink things, and by the time I should be ready to ask for something, I have convinced myself that what I wanted is not that important. so then I just don’t ask for it. It’s not only with sex that I am like this, but at my work I am the same. I always, and I mean ALWAYS, feel guilty when I ask for something – almost like I think I don’t deserve it. I wish there was a way for me to change this, but then I will first have to learn how not to overthink things, and just express my desires. This sounds like a big thing, but it’s actually not. It’s not like I go every day being deprived of things I want. I am a happy person, happy with what I have, and just occasionally have my moments where I want something, and then I am afraid to ask…
Like I said in the beginning, I am not a fearful or anxious person. I do have my moments, and other than that I just get down to business and do what needs to be done.
© Rebel’s Notes