I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There’s a mark you leave, like a love heart carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can’t scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath I bruise easily, I bruise easily
Lyrics from I Bruise Easily by Natasha Bedingfield
More than a year ago I read Wriggly Kitty’s post A Beautiful Violence and it was like I had a moment of clarity, realizing something about myself and the way I handle pain. And maybe I am not the only one handling it in this way.
These were the words that triggered me:
We’re brought up with these specific actions being totally negative. “Never hit a woman,” men are taught. “Men who hit woman are abusers,” society teaches everyone.
The above has been in my drafts folder for more than a year…
With the recent re-ignition of our D/s, and the fact that I had bruises the first time Master T used the cane on me again, and I had a red bottom a couple of times, the above comes in to play again.
The way we have all been brought up is indeed as Wriggly Kitty said in her post. Women should never be hit, and men who do this, are abusers. I don’t have to tell anyone that this is true, to the extent that when there is no consent, it is abuse. But it goes the other way around too. When men are hit by their wives (this happens!) without consent, it’s abuse too.
In my teenage years I accidentally witnessed my father slapping my mom in the face, while they were having a huge fight. I have never asked her whether it happened more than once, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it did. A mere twelve years later, I found myself in an abusive relationship, and up to today I regret that my daughter saw the man knock me almost unconscious with one slap to my face. Thankfully, she never noticed the one night he did hit me unconscious.
It is right that we teach our children that a man hitting a woman, or a woman hitting a man is abuse, but I wish we could add that when there is mutual consent, it is not wrong at all.
Like I said, when I read Wriggly Kitty’s post, I had a moment of clarity. Isn’t it, because we have this never-hit-a-woman-because-abuse-thing imprinted in our evolution, that we process pain in a different way? That when we are slapped or whipped or caned (with consent), that ‘imprint’ tells us it should hurt? That when we forget about the imprint, when we open ourselves up to the pain we have consented to, we would process the pain in a totally different way?
I am not saying that when we do this it will hurt less? No, of course it will still be painful, but somehow I think if we could totally remove the ‘imprint’, we would process the pain differently.
Now I am not a psychologist, so let me see whether I can explain this in a way that makes clear what I have in my mind. With the evolutionary/psychological ‘imprint’ in our minds that we are not supposed to hit each other, there is also a kind of psychological reaction, which makes us process the pain in a different way. If that psychological reaction doesn’t happen, won’t it mean that we process pain differently? That we breathe into the pain and accept it?
Of course I know that there are people who can do this, and who can handle a lot od spanking and whipping and even caning. I admire them, because it seems they can process the pain in a whole different way.
How do I process pain?
Remember that weekend that left me bruised? The weekend after that, I came into the bedroom at 3am in the morning and Master T had laid out three different implements. I protested because it was too late and I was too tired, but he was adamant. I lay down on my front and from the corner of my eye I just happened to see the swing he made with the cane. I actually only registered the swing after the pain had already exploded on my bottom.
I think, had I not see the swing, I would have been better at processing the pain. Now I rolled over and cried ‘no, no, no, no, this is not right, no, please, I am too tired, I can’t handle this pain, this is not right’. I couldn’t tell him what wasn’t right. Master T told me to turn over on my front again, and after some hesitation I did. He softly ran his hand over my bottom, and soon after I felt the dragon tail touching my bottom. I was able to process the pain of that much better, and I now think it might be because I didn’t see him swing the implement. That image of ‘never hit a woman’ wasn’t activated in my mind, and I could better handle the pain because of that.
I am no psychologist, which means these are all just thoughts running through my mind, but I would love to hear the opinion of a psychologist on this, or just hear the thoughts of my fellow kinkies on this subject. All I know is that I want to find the best way in processing the pain, and get my bottom as red (and bruised) as I love it to be!
© Rebel’s Notes