Consent… sort of…

Nothing can hurt you at all.
With your consent
I can experiment further still.
Lyrics from Entangled by Genesis

Just yesterday I shared a post about my #metoo journey, and of course everything that happens in the framework of #metoo can be put under the heading ‘no consent’. Like I said in the post, or tried to say, to some of us it’s a natural thing to stop things when you haven’t consented to it, and others had to learn it the long and/or hard way that they are allowed to do so. I am one of the latter.

It has taken me to well into my forties to understand what consent it. To understand that nothing sexually happens if I haven’t given consent for it.

I do believe that the fact that we have a D/s relationship, and that we engage in play with others, have a lot to do with understanding how important consent is. It’s not only the consent of the others that’s important, but MY consent is important too. You see, there were many years where I had not even thought about consent, about MY consent. I had just let things happen. I mean, if the man wanted something, he had to get it, right? That was the way it should be, right?

No. Not right! At. All!

Sometimes I wonder why I haven’t learned at a younger age that I am allowed to say ‘no’ and that the sky won’t come falling down on me. I remember times from my youth, where we had to go for a nap on the Sunday afternoon, because my parents said we had to. When we were older, I understood that there was only one reason for the afternoon nap: my father wanted sex from my mother, and my mother was reluctant to give him that. Maybe that played a role in how I viewed sex too, but honestly, I only learned about my mom’s reluctance in the second half of my teens.

Ever since we started our D/s, and especially in the first year after that, we both read a lot about BDSM, about how others live their D/s lives, and about the most important things in a power exchange relationship. One of those things are consent. Consent between partners in a D/s, consent in a play scene, consent, consent, consent. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing happens without consent.

Consent can ‘loosely’ be given when you tell your partner(s) that you are okay with anything as long as they don’t do anything that’s on your list of hard limits, or you can negotiate everything beforehand and give consent for specific things. Whenever you play with someone else, it’s better to do the latter, to make sure that everyone is on the same page.

Master T and I have never really discussed things that are allowed or not. Consent has never explicitly been given. I know this might shock others, but we already knew each other so well before we started D/s, and with the deep level of trust I have in him, I knew he would never do anything that I can’t handle. He has stretched my boundaries many times, but he had never done anything that I wouldn’t have given consent for anyway, had we discussed it before. In the time that we had playdates with others, I never discussed a scene with anyone before it happened. Master T took care of that. He knows my limits, knows how much I can handle, and he was always present. He had my consent to discuss the scenes, which to me meant I had given consent for the scenes too.

I know some people might shake their heads and say I should actively be giving consent for whatever is about to happen, not so much between Master T and me, but when we engage in play with others, but this way has always worked for us, and we would never have engaged (or will, if it happens again in future) with anyone we didn’t trust. There was mutual trust, because let’s be honest, the other party had to give consent too, and twice we had played with people where the two men discussed what would happen, and the women knew nothing before the scene.

Where we do things differently, my advice to anyone would always be to be sensible. There are situations where consent should explicitily be given, but there are also situations where explicit consent is not necessary, like with longterm partners. Be sensible. Think about your safety. Make sure you always take your own feelings into account, and not do something because someone else wants you do it. If it doesn’t feel good, don’t even start on it.

Consent is important, and not only in BDSM relationships, but in many aspects of life.

© Rebel’s Notes

The September Song Project

5 thoughts on “Consent… sort of…

  1. There are so many good points in this post and you really get across not just the way that consent works, but also the effective communication between you. Thank you for sharing ?

  2. In a close relationship, consent can be given in various ways, not just verbally and in a concrete manner. The longer we are with someone, the better they get at reading us. So I agree with you that this becomes more important when playing with others or when in a newer relationship.

    I didn’t think much about consent until after D/s, either. It has taught me a lot about communication and how to voice my needs and desires.

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