‘Cause baby you know I love you
So take my breath away
I don’t need nothing I got you
Lyrics from Take My Breath Away by New Kids on the Block
Breath play intrigues me, but at the same time it also frightens me.
I remember a couple of times during sexual activities that I was lying on my front, and I panicked. There was nothing cutting off my air, but still I had a tight feeling in my chest and I breathed loud and hard, panicking because I couldn’t get any air. I turned my head first to the one side, then to the other, not wanting to spoil the mood, but I was concentrating so much on being able to breathe that I couldn’t enjoy anything else anymore. I had to turn over onto my back before the panic subsided and I could breathe normal again.
Something else I can’t do is to sleep face to face with someone else. I have tried many times, but then feel like I am not breathing any oxygen, but only the carbon dioxide the other exhales. That’s a thought that gets stuck in my head, making me turn over to be able to breathe freely. For more or less the same reason I never want anything in front of my face while I sleep. I would never sleep with my head covered under a duvet. That will totally freak me out.
It seems I have some kind of fear to have my breath cut off, which is why breath play frightens me. When I think about wearing a hood, there is something in me that recoils. Even if it would be a hood with an opening for both nose and mouth, there is just something in me that fears I might not be able to breathe. I think about the material of the hood covering my nose, and how it can help to restrict ‘free’ breathing. This is the thought that has always kept me from even trying a hood. I should actually just try it, I know.
I have frequently wondered where my fear for not being able to breathe comes from. I don’t have any traumatic experiences that could’ve caused it. Sometimes I wonder if it has something to do with the capacity of my lungs. Every time I have a lung function test done, they urge me to breathe out harder because my values are always below average for my age.
Despite all this, and my fear of not being able to breathe, I am still intrigued by breath play.
There is something absolutely magical when Master T puts his hand on my throat, and there is a threat that he might cut off my breath. I love the pressure of his hand, but I wouldn’t want to struggle for my breath. The first time he put his hand on my throat, I was afraid, but he was very careful. Only a couple of days later he did it again, and that time I offered him my throat. None of those times did he cut off my breath. The third time he put more pressure on my throat, but I could still breathe freely. I can’t help but wonder whether, if we take it step by step, I might grow to a point where I would want him to cut off my breath, if only for a moment.
Just writing that made me shiver. Will we ever really want to try breath play or will I just continue offering my throat and enjoy the pressure he applies, while fearing for him to cut off my breathing?
Honestly, I think the latter…
© Rebel’s Notes