Some time ago I wrote a post for the Erotic Journal Challenge, Embarrassment, in which I talked about my feelings when I want to ask something for myself. You might want to read the post to understand the following remark in Brigit Delaney’s comment:
I wonder if you want sex with another only because you are not getting it from Master T or if it is simply something you want? Aside from him.
This is a totally valid question, and my answer will probably vary, depending on the status of our sex life at that moment.
Let’s see if I can figure this out for myself…
As I sit here writing this (on 12 August 2019 to be exact), there is a promise in the air. This past weekend, totally unexpectedly, Master T used the Doxy on me, but also the RVS cane and a dragon tail whip. He mentioned that he knew things had to be built up slowly, and that I won’t be able to handle the pain I could once handle. There’s promise in this, and where there were no actual sex, and I didn’t touch him in a sexual way at all (he didn’t want it), there is a huge promise in this. Of course I am wary, as in the past I have also seen the promise in his actions, but this time felt different.
The thought of having sex with others have crossed my mind many times. Our ground rule is that we are always together, to if I have sex with someone else, Master T is always in the room. However, with his low interest in sex, I wondered whether he would be up for watching me with someone else, and even more important, whether I would be up for it. You see, when we engaged in a fuck date with someone else, the magic of Master T being in the room, was the connection we shared. It was something we did together, something we enjoyed together. For me to be fucked by someone else knowing Master T’s interest is low, will take the joy out of it entirely, no matter how much I need and want the sex.
Believe me, in the past weeks, maybe months, I have frequently thought about looking for a fuck-buddy. And here I mean someone who I can go to, then we have sex and then I go back home to Master T. In other words, someone only for myself and who can satisfy the physical needs I sometimes have.
But, I know I will not do this.
Because I love Master T, and we have our ground rule that says we are always together.
But what if he gives me permission to do this?
Of course this is another thought that has crossed my mind, and where it would be incredibly tempting to do it, I will not, because the entire hazzle of going out to look for someone, to get to know someone and see whether we fit… well, that is just energy I don’t have and I don’t think I will ever have it. Never in my life had I gone out to look for a partner. They always found me. So yes, in a way it’s the ‘fear’ of the process to look for someone, but also that I don’t have the bandwidth to go through the motions of a ‘new relationship’. Despite missing sex, I am entirely content with Master T, and we are like a perfect clockwork, moving in unison to and with each other. Finding another person with whom that is possible seems like an almost impossible task.
And what if someone finds me AND I have the permission of Master T to pursue it?
It will take some getting used to, as I first will have to change my own mindset where I think this is not possible, not allowed, not appropriate… and all other words you can come up with for the my feelings. There must be no doubt at all in my mind or intuition that the person will expect anything more from me than to be just one thing: my fuck-buddy. Yes, he can become a friend (and I would want him to interact on a friendly level with Master T too), and I obviously will have to have some kind of affection for him, but I don’t want to fall in love, and I don’t want the person to fall in love with me either, or for him to show any kind of behavior that makes me think he will claim me. There has to be a clear understanding that Master T is and will always be my number one, and that there can be no claims to my time, my feelings, my body – nothing at all. Personally, I don’t think that I can expect this of anyone, or that anyone will be willing to agree to these terms.
To come back to Brigit’s question: do I want sex with someone else because I am not getting it from Master T, or is it something I simply want aside from him?
There are moments I want sex with someone else, because I am not getting it from Master T, but those moments don’t happen frequently. When they do happen, I am frustrated and then I start wondering about permission from Master T and dating apps, or a call on Fetlife or Twitter. When the frustration passes, I am content enough to just masturbate, or live on the sparse moments when Master T indeed shows some interest in at least getting me to an orgasm (and my deepest wish is for more of these moments). This is not something I simply want aside from him, as the most beautiful moments I had sex with someone else was when he was in the room, and it was something both he and I enjoyed. And, if we never have moments like those again, I will be fully content to have sex only with Master T for the rest of my life, as I don’t think I will ever find someone who knows me and my body as well as Master T does.
© Rebel’s Notes