On my last spa day with my friend, she shared some information with me about her relationship. A colleague confided in me about the problems in her marriage. Another friend has some minor bumps in her relationship, which she is trying to smooth out before it becomes something major. I have also read a couple of posts that dealt with relationship problems. Master T and I happened to discuss some of those issues, and it sparked some conversations about our own relationship too. I think it’s only natural to compare ours with those of others, and see where we do things differently, and why it works for us. Also to look at why some things didn’t work in past relationships.
One thought constantly returned during our talks: who you are at the core.
If I look at my past relationships (here I mean all of those I had with men before Master T, both in marriage and not), I have always changed myself to be who the man in my life wanted me to be. While the new relationship energy was buzzing, I didn’t noticed that I had changed. I was too busy with being in love. In the two relationships which lead to marriage, at first I was buzzing with new relationship therapy, then with planning the wedding. In the first marriage my focused shifted from that to having a baby. There was always something external going on which diverted my attention from the internal: who I am at the core.
My first husband cheated on me, and in hindsight I know that he wouldn’t have done that had our relationship been a healthy one with proper communication. I cheated on my second husband, and I know I wouldn’t have done that had I stayed true to myself before I married him; had I never ‘adjusted’ myself to be the woman he wanted me to be.
After my second divorce, one decision stood absolutely central: I would never ever change myself again to be who someone else wants me to be; never change myself to fit the image any man has of the woman he wants by his side. I am who I am and I was going to stay true to that, and if a man couldn’t accept me as I am, then he was not worth it to be in my life.
Then I met Master T…
He too had been through relationships where he couldn’t be true to himself; where jealousy was at its center. Jealousy from the side of the women, and where Master T had to be very careful not to say anything which might sound like he had interest in another woman, let alone even turning his eyes in the direction of another.
One thing he said to me in the beginning of our relationship was: one man is not enough for you.
I protested. Of course one man is enough for me. Of course HE is enough for me. He was adamant: no it’s not. Deep down I was curious about sex with others, but I was ashamed of the thought, so I went against it. See what I did there? I was changing myself again. Not for Master T, but for ‘what is right’. The law tells us we are only allowed to have one partner. The Bible (central in my upbringing) preaches the same. It’s burnt into our cells; nestled in our DNA. With a conservative upbringing, the most difficult thing for me to admit was that indeed, I would love to have sex with others too, not only with Master T. At the same time it was also the most freeing thing to admit. I have written about this before, about my thoughts on monogamy and how I don’t think that we as humans are designed to stay with the same person for all of our lives.
Master T used a nice analogy. He said he once had a conversation with a colleague about more than one partner in a relationship, and told the colleague that you don’t keep on driving in the same car for the rest of your life either. I liked this analogy. Yes, there are some people who buy a car and drive it for the rest of their lives, because the car is incredibly reliable, very suited for the driver and they manage to patch it up every time so it keeps on going. But, sometimes there are people who also have a very reliable car, which they love, but every now and then they hire or borrow a different one, for the fun of it. Sometimes people have two cars, one reliable one, and one they love as dearly as the reliable one, and they alternate driving in each of those cars. And yes, sometimes they even have more than two cars. Other people drive a car until the car is not really what they want anymore, and then they buy a new car. Sometimes they even change cars every couple of years.
Where am I going with this post?
Like I said earlier: you can’t change who you are at the core. You are who you are, and you should always be true to yourself. Of course, you should take the feelings of others into account, but in doing so you should always keep in mind what is at your core. If you go through life not being true to yourself, you will end up being unhappy. This can take a month, a year, or several years, but in the end we all return to who we are, to your core.
Looking back on my own life, I wish that when I was younger I understood more about who I am at the core – not a one-man-woman and certainly a woman who likes to be intimate with other women too. I am one of the lucky ones who found love in a man who recognized who I am at the core, but it only happened after I ‘jumped’ from one man to the other because I couldn’t find happiness.. Master T understood that I have an inner slut to let out. It took me a while to accept that myself, and to own who I am. The way I see it is that Master T is allowing me the freedom to be who I am, and he has fully accepted me for who I am. Not only in words, but also in deed. He has taught me how it is to be true to myself.
No matter what happens on your journey through life, I have learned throughout my life that one of the most important things is to always stay true to yourself. Only by being true to yourself can you be true to others too. Always be who you are at the core, because otherwise you will end up being unhappy, and in the process others will be too. Never change yourself for anyone. You have every right to be who you are. You have every right to be true to yourself!
© Rebel’s Notes