Key Communication

Five minutes of communication can save a year’s worth of turmoil and misunderstanding.
~ Joyce Meyer

Communication is key to any relationship.

One of the things that are talked about in the D/s community a lot is how important communication is. It’s important to communicate your likes, your dislikes, your boundaries. It’s as important to talk about a scene before it happens, as it is to talk about it after it has happened. Before it happens you discuss boundaries and after you talk about what worked and what not.

Communication, however, is not only important in D/s relationships. Each and every relationship we have, whether it’s between lovers, a mother and a child, friends, colleagues or any other kind of relationship you can think of, needs to have conscious communication. We need to be able to express our needs and wants, our desires, our dislikes, everything in a respectful way, of course depending on what is appropriate for the relationship. We need not be ashamed of what we say, especially when it is about emotions, or about personal preferences. As long as we stay respectful, not only in the way we talk, but also about the feelings and words of the person we are talking to, then you shouldn’t feel ashamed.

Okay… that said, communication should be easy, right?

You might think it is, but for me conscious and clear communication is definitely not a given. In my head I can form perfect sentences, have the perfect conversation, and I can say the things I really want to say, but the moment I enter a conversation, I can’t think of anything I wanted to say, and my words seem to come out all garbled and twisted. Sometimes with discussions it takes me days to think of what I actually should have said, as I can feel quite blown over by people who always seem to have their words ready. I don’t.

I believe this is because I have never been able to ask something for myself.

Like Floss said, communication is not as simple as it seems. To some it is, but to many it isn’t.

What is the best lesson you learnt about yourself and how you communicate?

I think the biggest lesson is that if you don’t communicate, you will never get anywhere. No matter how hard it is, you have to speak those words, make them come from your heart but have them be appropriate for the situation. It’s not wrong to be vulnerable, to show your feelings. It’s always right to be honest and fair, especially towards yourself. In fact, that’s the first person you should be fair and honest to: yourself.

Even though I have learned this lesson, it still doesn’t mean communication suddenly became easy for me. No, it now depends on the situation. At work it’s easier to communicate than it was in the past, except when I want to ask something for myself specifically. Then, when I am asked to explain, I tend to say ‘just leave it’ and then I regret it afterwards as it then gets so much more difficult to start about it again. But, I am getting better at it.

With Master T, I still find it hard to express what I want, although I do think there’s a huge improvement on my side. Like my trips to London. As I write this, I am on the ferry to Dover, and this is my second trip.

Before I went on the first one it took me weeks before I finally asked Master T if he would be okay with it, and now, the second time, I informed him when I wanted to go, and I didn’t feel bad when I did. It’s not like he would’ve denied me these trips, that made me hesitate to bring it up. No. It’s my own crooked mind that was to ‘afraid’ to bring it up, because… I know he can’t go with me and then he will be home alone and I am doing something for myself and what about him and oh god I am giving out money on myself, but I too work for it, but there are more important things to pay and and but but and… that’s the way my mind goes.

Communication is a tricky thing. Especially face to face communication. I can tell you one thing: the written word comes to me so much easier than the spoken, which is why so many times I have turned to email after walking around for weeks wanting to talk to Master T about something.

One tip I can give you, and which at the same time I am giving myself: be aware that it’s never wrong to ask for something you want or need. If you don’t ask, you will never get it. No one is a mind reader, no matter how well they know you.

© Rebel’s Notes

Food for Thought Friday

4 thoughts on “Key Communication

  1. That is a fantastic quote you open with, Marie!
    My goodness, reading what you say about planning out a conversation in your head only to turn into a garbled mess when you speak out loud – totally me!! I get tongue-tied, and of course, I forget that however much I can plan my own part in a discussion, I can’t ever known exactly what the other participant/s will say. That completely throws me.
    I often find that this is the case with gp appointments, so now if I have something particularly important I want to bring up but I know I’ll get tongue-tied or anxious, I write it down and pass it to the doctor. It seems to make it easier to then progress into the conversation. I’ve never tried it with a lover/partner, but as you’ve found emails helpful for you and Master T, perhaps I will try it myself!
    Great post!

  2. I’m not a great communicator. I’ve learned over the years with my husband that I clam up and refuse to engage when things get tough. I’ve also learned, like you say, that vulnerability is imperative to good communication, as is deep and active listening. Funny that D/S has provided me the best stage to learn and practice these skills.

  3. Relationships based on assumptions and the conversations we have in our heads are doomed to fail. I’ve learned this later in life than I should have. This is why, with those I care about, I try to explicitly communicate my thoughts, feelings and needs when appropriate. I’m still not an expert at this, and I am extremely flawed in my communication abilities, but I am much better than I used to be!

  4. I too am better at the written word rather than the spoken – and I am so glad u are having these trips for yourself – and hope u will be writing more on your blog about them 😉 c

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